So what’s this episode about? Well, I can’t be certain but I think Beth is going to go undercover. The title was pretty ambiguous about that so I just thought I’d make sure you know.
PREVIOUSLY ON THE BILL: Sun Hill started running a crèche and Roger was suspected of being creepy for hanging around it. Emma slimed all over the nearest target, Terry was nosey and Max revealed he shot two people. Yeah, he does that. Watch your back…
But it’s time for sexy start music. Let’s roll…
Down at Sun Hill Roger introduces our hard-luck story of the week and Beth can barely reach the hole in the custody door. She stands on her tippy-toes. So cute. And then recognises the hard-luck as Katie Taylor, a working girl who Beth gave a cup of tea and a ‘talking to’ (her words, not mine) then sent home. Beth’s made a friend but is still disappointed it wasn’t the fit footballer she cautioned a week earlier. I feel her pain but Beth decides to play nice with the hard-luck.
Katie whines. They always whine. Bored already. Beth tries to shut her down but again with the whining and the changing and the kid and the… yeah, you had drugs on you love, no deal. But hard-luck brings some interesting love for Sun Hill. She wants to help bring down the supplier in exchange for sympathy. I’m warming to her already. Let’s go get ourselves a supplier!
Up in CID Jack is information-filled awesome, Nikki makes random inputs, Max sneers at anything he can lay his eyes upon and Grace looks half-asleep.
Poor Grace, she never gets the good jobs. Could be because she’s boring and annoying, but hey, who am I to point out her flaws?
Nikki makes unfunny smart-ass remark of the week. What now? She’s been stealing Max Carter’s book on how to be a know-it-all prig? Nikki Nikki Nikki… you just can’t pull it off like he can. He’s sex in a suit it’s the only reason he works.
And Grace thinks she’s just being a tool…
I sense this entire episode being flooded with Grace’s ‘I judge you with my silent bored stares’ faces. If so… great!
Jack introduces us to Craig McKee, our token bad guy of the week. I mean the one that is bad, gets smacked in an interview and immediately stops being bad and starts crying for his mother. Yes, THAT token bad guy. Don’t worry, there’s another one and he’s awesome fun. Beth reintroduces hard-luck Katie to the team. She’s been intimidated into dealing by McKee who looks about as hard-ass as a lemonade but let’s not criticize the casting, and Beth hands out photos as she continues on about a derelict building party. Sounds like fun. I mean, really, what’s a night out without beer, bright lights, music and the increased chance of getting tetanus? Hope you’ve had your shots boys and girls.
Now, according to Jack, Beth’s going in. Because obviously the party caters for adorable little girls. Max looks troubled. Either that or it’s that pesky heartburn again. I can’t tell. Max reveals where the episode name came from in case we didn’t work it out then suggests Kezia instead. No no no, read the title on the script Max. It’s says Beth… Beth Undercover.
*sighs*
Max Carter doesn’t read your stinking script, he’s Max Carter, he’s like Chuck Norris, except more British…
When Max Carter falls in water, he does not get wet… the water gets Max Cartered…
Beth looks displeased. Don’t take it badly sweetheart, it’s not personal – Max hates everyone. Jack’s having none of it and ignores him. I like that method. Course if everyone he annoyed ignored him he’d have to spend his days talking to walls. But enough chitchat it’s time to hand back the drugs and go on our merry way. Meeting in Jack’s office coming up for the sexy sergeants in the room and Beth still looks angry about the Max Carter well of support…
Maybe we should retitle this episode Beth Unhappy…
Over in Jack’s office we learn Beth is the same age as Katie. Katie’s 12 now? Nikki is on Team Beth. Max continues to languish alone in Team ‘I Hate Everyone’. He can have that one to himself as I side with Nikki. Beth is ‘awesome in small packages’ so BTFO Carter.
Max relents. But as usual, he comes with conditions. He wants her on a wire, they’re running in at the first sign of trouble and stuff the consequences if it all goes outstandingly wrong. Well, that sounds like the Max we all know and constantly want to throttle. Jack agrees and Max takes the opportunity to go old-school smack-down on Katie.
Jo: (smiling and friendly) Hi Katie, I’m DC Jo Masters, this is DS…
Max: (in full Max-mode) Why now?
Yes, this is DS Why Now? Sometimes also DS Why Not? DS Why Her? And DS Why Should I Care?
Katie warms to him quickly as she glances at Jo.
Katie: What’s his problem?
If you can figure that one out sweetheart you’re one step closer to finding the meaning of life. A part of me wants to say he was mollycoddled as a child. The other half thinks he was born without a soul and is actually a robot in human skin. But whatever he is, he’s a fun individual to deal with.
Max doesn’t care about Katie and her son. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He doesn’t care about your sob story. Let’s just face it… he doesn’t care. Let me get this straight, this was, what? Max’s second episode in the series? We’ve established he shoots people, he sneers at walls, he has no discernible feelings and he doesn’t care.
Good to know some things never change in a year.
And now he’s threatening to separate babies and mothers. Katie sighs and gives in to his one-man campaign against the world and he leaves, include stamping and door slamming. How mature.
Jo rolls her eyes.
Outside Max drinks his celebratory coffee and Jo is intrigued by the use of ‘good cop, bad cop’. She hasn’t worked it out yet? With him there is no good cop. There’s bad cop, bitchy cop and ‘I will kick your dog if you don’t do what I say’ cop, but never good cop. It seems making Katie terrified of him was his plan all along. This way she’ll watch Beth’s back so she won’t get any more of the Carter treatment. I like his logic but I feel it’s all an excuse to hide the enjoyment he gets from striking fear into people. He continues his rant, yelling at Grace who comes baring photos. Again Grace looks bored and borderline peeved. Another triumphant face for Grace Dasari.
Oh no, now she’s growing on me…
Up in the Briefing Room it’s all systems ‘reccy’ (which will soon become lingo of the episode, just wait and see) as Grace scouts out the tetanus party capital. She reveals she couldn’t get any closer because of squatters, fear the homeless, and shows us some photos which look like the same type she could’ve got off Google Streetview. She never went out to the place, she just googled it like everyone else does at work then sat in the cafeteria until she was needed. I’m on to you Grace.
As Max details his elaborate and detailed plans (he’s parking cars on the street, wow, how long did he take to plan that?), Beth appears looking as cute as a button. Roger cracks. Back off you old weirdo. Max isn’t taken in and continues the never-ending spiel.
Max: I want you looking like someone who goes out on the pull and gets wasted at parties full of drugs and thugs every weekend not looking like someone who’s off to meet their dad for a pizza
Lol. Beth takes that as well as can be expected and asks the sergeant what he’d suggest. Oh good, let’s ask the man with two suits, two white shirts and that horrible blue thing (shirt, pullover, granny’s old skivvy?) for fashion advice.
Max, aka Carson Kressley, suggests she dress as if she were trying to impress Brad Pitt. Clearly he’s up to date on what all the young girls like. Brad? This isn’t 1995 you know! It’s all about the Jake, the Jude, the Hugh for my fellow Australians out there.
Beth goes for the Jake too *knucklethumps* and Grace snickers…
Oh Grace, you can join Max in the ‘so much better when you don’t talk’ category cos hun your expressions are killing me!
And Max comes baring a sneaky wire.
Check out mah bling!
And by bling I mean that ugly kind, the chunky tin-silver jewellery you find in a chemist. £3 a piece. You know it ladies, it’s the faux-bling, the oversized eye-catcher and a great distraction when you’re trying to lay off the alcohol (but a problem if you don’t and you find yourself strangling yourself with it – don’t ask!). Oh Max, you’re all class with that. It screams tacky like all those style pieces do. You can spot them a mile away – too large, chain too feeble and this one even easier because it reacts badly to underground radio. Handy.
But enough bagging on the best that Met money can buy… let’s partay!
Down at the abandoned warehouse the team take their positions. Jo is all alone, Roger and Tony man a cop car (hopefully out of sight, but let’s just trust Carter’s well-thought-through plan and take that for granted) and Grace has joined team Alpha(male) just outside the club. Beth’s dressed and ready to go, Grace kicks her out with suggestions of a comms check and cuteness ensues…
Beth: (as she and Katie walk from the car) Bet the sarge is checking us out from behind…
Can I get a ‘hell yeah’?
He looks away and tries to play it cool, scratching his chin. Too late Max, you’re busted.
They’re inside. Katie grabs what looks to be a branded beer, but let’s cover the brand and pretend they don’t exist, and then she doesn’t drink it. Nice. Believable. And within the first two seconds of the party Beth has been cracked on to. Max listens in and looks crestfallen. You snooze you lose Carter. Meanwhile Beth, who just became Laura, gets a bit of the Lenny special. If she doesn’t want him… just saying.
Lenny leads ‘Laura’ off for a drink and just in time for Craig to do the old grab and drag routine on Katie. How predictable.
In the kitchen Lenny flirts, ‘Laura’ flirts back, my inner mind writes Max sitting in the car noting little things Beth admits which he can use later to win her over, and then we’re back to the lounge and lo and behold, Katie’s disappeared. Never would’ve guessed it.
Lenny cranks up the radio and back in the car the wire’s gone. Max doesn’t like the music at all. I don’t mind it actually. Maybe Max should stick to his golden oldies collection. Grace wants Max to go in at the first sign of trouble but this ain’t trouble apparently, it’s a routine complication. As he speaks politician, I’m keen to point out that trouble looms. My years of The Bill senses tingling, I fear we’re about five seconds away from a gun, a smack or Katie’s bloody body.
It’s a gun, a van and our bad guy of the day.
How’s your routine complication now DS Smarty-Pants?
The van, plastered with your stereotypical African-American rap gangstas (ah, the over-Americanization of the world. Even the lowly Canley dug dealer is not immune), seems to be the hub of the pirate radio world. Beth’s listening device is causing feedback loud enough to wake the dead and she pretends it’s her phone. Nice cover, no one will suspect a thing. Until it feedbacks again!
*sighs*
Craig takes to Beth, Lovely Laura sorry, and wants to know if she wants drugs or money. She says both. Safe way to cover your bases when what you really want to say is ‘my cuffs on your wrists and my DS a lot less cocky and a lot more appreciative of my sheer awesomeness’. Take the drugs and money cos the last ain’t gonna happen.
Back in the car Max calls Beth’s phone, alas to no avail, and decides to go in. Good idea, that totally won’t make anyone suss. Aside the fact he looks like someone’s narc of a father. But apart from that he’s totally fitting in.
Meanwhile Roger and Tony begin building their own awesome stakes for the episode as they play ‘define the new DS’. Personally I think they’ve cracked it, and they’ve known him for a lot less time than we have…
Tony: The DS is not much of a one for teamwork is he?
Roger: No. I reckon if he thought he could get away with it he’d put on a wig and a frock himself and have taken Beth’s place.
I’d pay to see that. I wonder how much I’d have to pay the writers to write that into the series?
But Tony wants none of it…
Tony: Nah, he hasn’t got the legs for it.
Alright you two, puts your claws back in.
Back in the van Beth looks like a possum in the headlights as the token baddies of the day list their gear. Skunk. Grass. It’s like being back in high school again! Coke. Speed. Es. Whiz. This man is a walking cavalcade of drugs and their idiotic nicknames (which was one area I never quite mastered in health class). Beth looks impressed. Pirate radio and drugs on wheels. It’s like the ice cream van for junkies. But time for Beth to go. Katie’s staying. She’s got the obligatory ‘hard-luck gets beaten and dumped’ storyline to come. Yeah, they always come…
Lenny gives us token bad guy’s name – Earl Clarke. Earl. Like ‘My Name Is Earl’. I force back a snicker. He sounds so gangsta. Like 2Pac. P Diddy. Ja Rule. And then there’s Earl.
Earl’s the ‘kinda guy your mother warned you about’. I fight the urge to make a video about him set to my favourite Shindig song of that exact name as Beth wants Lenny, who it seems is a DJ, to be honest with her – does he work for Earl? Lenny’s a clean and just wants to go drag Laura off to the nearest quiet place. Yeah, back off, she’s property of Sun Hill Met and she can’t leave Katie. Of course, the lovely London weather (cold, colder, freaking hell I can’t feel my feet it’s so damn cold) gets the better of her and she heads inside.
Meanwhile the crew at the party play ‘spot the narc’. It’s like Where’s Wally for idiots…
Where’s the narc?
Those guys win.
But it’s time Beth was going. Say ‘hi Mum’. Telephone cuteness!
Max: Say ‘what’s wrong?’
Beth: What’s wrong?
Max: Tell him that your favourite aunt’s in hospital
Beth: Aunt Alice?
Max: If you like.
Mother’s ringing and Beth has to go, but first Lenny gets a total pash and Jo takes photos. Steamy! Jo picks her up around the corner… Carter would like a word. Oh no, he’s found out about the kiss. Run, hide!
It’s okay, it’s just the wire. Beth relays her hard-earned information and the team ‘go,go,go’ and crash the party. Poopers.
Alas, the white van has gone and Craig McKee is standing around being cocky. I think they caught on and scarpered.
Time for that interview with Craig McKee. Nikki wants to know where Katie is, she’s worried and she wants the girl back now! Meanwhile… Max doesn’t care about Katie. He just wants Earl. McKee sells out Lenny and the group head back to the Briefing Room so they can blame Lenny and Beth can roll her eyes. So, let me get this straight – Max thinks Lenny’s guilty. Beth thinks he’s innocent. Sexual tension between Max and Beth looks sets to rise.
Why does this all sound so damn familiar?
Anyway, let’s continue because the underground radio is interfering with emergency radio frequencies. Now, I like my underground radio as much as the average western suburbs youth, but that’s just not kosher. Drugs or no drugs, Jack’s not losing his damn radio. It’s critical we find this truck.
And to do that, we first need to overanalyse the bad guys…
EARL CLARKE: The Dark Destructor. It’s like an evildoer from a Marvel comic! He sends the databases into overdrive apparently with 20 years of convictions. When did he start? When he was 10? If it’s dirty and you can make money out of it, Clarke’s had a go. Naughty Jenson… whoops, I mean Clarke. I’m so confused.
LENNY JONES: DJ. Doesn’t spike your drink to start a conversation. Good thing too because from what I’ve read about drugs in drinks, it usually doesn’t end in conversation but rape charges and a Sun Hill trip. And according to Beth, he’s a cleanskin…
Beth: He told me he’s got nothing to do with the drugs.
Max: Oh that’s okay then, I always let suspects go when they say they’re not guilty
Oh Max I do love you so.
Jack lays down duties of the day then it’s time for another meeting in his office. Why does he keep bringing them here? Did he get a new desk lamp and is just waiting for someone to say ‘is that a new desk lamp guv?’ He’s very into his desk lamp.
Beth makes a good point about Lenny – he wasn’t showing off the drugs and many guys still believe that gets a girl. It’s true, they do and it’s still pathetic. Take note boys, Beth likes the good guys. I just want a bit of the ‘good but so arrogant he’s almost bad’ boys…
She thinks he’s protective and sweet. Jack reminds her she kissed him. Beth says it was Laura, not her. I question her mental state as Max falls into depression…
Jack wants Beth back undercover, Beth says Lenny’s innocent, a heartbroken Max gets bitchy and Nikki shuts him down. Wow, the tension in here is so thick you’d need a chainsaw to cut it. Max and Nikki bicker like a pair of exes and Beth looks stuck in the middle like the couple’s only child left to watch her parents fight. She’ll go back in, if only to ensure Nikki doesn’t kill DS Carter when his back’s turned. Plus going back undercover helps establish Lenny’s innocence. Yeah, she can give as good as she gets so BTFO Carter or she’ll make you hurt. She saunters off looking every bit as fantastic as we all know she is. Max looks impressed and we’re off to the candy machine for breakfast – Beth style. It’s Maltesers!
Max disrupts breakfast. Why? Why can’t he just leave her alone? Oh right, cos he wants a bit of the Beth…
Max wants to talk guns. He misses CO19. Beth doesn’t recall the gun and so he decides to play ‘sketch the gun’. It’s back to Mr. Squiggle…
IT’S UPSIDE-DOWN MISS ROSE!
And he steals her Maltesers. Well that’s not cool. But she needs to keep her mind on the job. Of course the grin on her face suggests her mind isn’t on the gun at first but on the present company…
And then Max goes on to explain the gun she’s just described. It’s German something. Badly manufactured something. Whatever, I’m just drawn to a man who knows his arsenal. One thing we need to hold on to though – they’re badly made and thus could misfire. Cool, the Destructor is going to get his hand blown off! I like where this is going!
Speaking of going, explanation over, bring your chocolate breakfast and come, let us chat to Lenny Jones.
As Max instructs Beth the best way to pick up (oh good, let’s tell the girl how to pick up a guy – awkward!), Beth fights the urge to laugh in his face as she dials.
Lenny answers the phone as smooth as possible: ‘hey pretty baby’. Well, no wonder he’s single with those lines. Jo snickers as Beth tries to find out when Lenny is DJing. Lenny’s still playing the over-protective type and warns Beth they’re bad news. Well thank you, I didn’t notice. The drugs van didn’t give it away! So Beth goes straight in and asks him out. Well, actually, not straight in. She plays hardball first, something Max misses when he reaches across the table and tells her ‘yes’. He just wants an excuse to cop a feel.
Meanwhile Lenny, who has likely picked up vibes that he’s found himself the patsy in a very messy love triangle (or is it four, if you count Beth’s split personality syndrome?), reminds Beth she’s a great kisser.
The CID crew are amused…
Jo’s face! Oh Jo I love you so…
As the call ends, Grace suggest Beth steal Lenny’s wallet when they meet up because she can’t find him on Crimint. Gee Grace, I hope we aren’t encouraging any law breaking! Tut tut. *slaps her legs*
And Jo jokes…
Jo: Well, we know he’s quite a kisser. Don’t forget that!
The girls laugh as Max looks around awkwardly, tries to deny feeling terribly flustered that Lenny Jones is getting a bit of his Beth, and makes out he’s off to reccy (I told you it would come back!) the bar. As he leaves, Beth rants. *sigh* Just when I was starting to adore her again, she whines…
Beth: Well done PC Green. You did really well on that call PC Green. I believe you when you say he doesn’t deal drugs PC Green.
Get over yourself PC Green. It wasn’t exactly rocket science PC Green. Plus, remember, this is Max PC Green. Go cry in the corner if you don’t like it and I’ll deal with him instead because he’s so gorgeous/awesome he could smack me in the head and I’d still give him the time of day… mmmm Max… uh, PC Green.
Grace thinks she’s just being a tool…
And Jo delivers again… when the writers were handing out one-liners this week, Jo got greedy!
Jo: Look, I know he does it with all the charm of a piranha fish…
Technically they’re just called piranhas, but anyway, the point is there: Jo is awesome, Grace is in a never-ending state of boredom, Beth has her whiny little girl moments and Max is a piranha. What a beautiful summary of the first 26 minutes.
Let’s continue with the story…
Down at the Tea Room (reckon they do tea? Nope, looks like it’s just alcohol, what a crock!) Beth and Max play ‘define Lenny’ and Max clears up the difference between suspect and accused. There’s a difference for him? I thought everyone was guilty until proven innocent?
Beth enters and looks as cute as a button and Lenny wants to talk about Beth. Max reminds her to stick as close to herself as possible. Great, here’s her chance to vent…
Lenny: What’s the usual?
Beth: Early start. Chocolate and a Coke for breakfast, I really need to stop doing that. I work part-time as a waitress. I hate the uniform. My boss Max; he’s a pain. I think he’s got a thing about me. He likes to show me up in front of people.
Whilst I change that to ‘a thing for’, Max laughs…
Well, at least we know he takes constructive criticism well.
Beth, meanwhile, launches into a new level of ‘define Lenny’ playing guess the age and birthday. She’s rocking it too, getting everything. Let her go a bit longer and she’ll have his grandmother’s place of birth and his political alliances. But cuteness is interrupted by the timely appearance of the Dark Destructor!
*insert ‘evil overload enters the room’ music here*
And then he drinks Beth’s wine.
Okay, seriously, not cool. I think, what with all that drugs money, you can buy your own yes?
Max watches on. He doesn’t like this. He’s going down to ‘reccy’ (hee hee, I’m thoroughly enjoying the word now) the bar himself… aka stand outside and look suss.
Meanwhile back in the bar Earl wants Lenny to check out the rig. I’m distracted by background music (Suburban Knights!). Oh right, they’re talking about Katie. Earl states he dropped her down by the Riviera. And by dropped you know he means literally dropped like rolled out of the van mid-movement. Poor Katie. And Earl wonders if Lenny and ‘Laura’ got ‘busted by the feds’. What’s with the American terms? Feds? As in Federal Police? *sigh* It’s the Old Bill or nothing man, stick with the cockney lingo (will also accept rhyming slang) or get out! Beth admits they must have missed it because of a certain ill aunt. Earl says they were lucky.
Now, here’s lucky, Earl’s talking drug shipments right into Beth’s microphone. Fantastic. And Earl wants Lenny to show Beth where to get the package. Lenny looks like someone has just kicked his dog (Max? No, not this time!) whilst saying ‘it’s cool’. Okay, I’m not a big reader of body language, but I think maybe it’s not as cool as he says. Oh well, Earl doesn’t care because he’s got one last line before he buggers off…
Earl: Of course it wasn’t complete luck we left when we did last night. The boys can smell a cop from a block away. Told me about this geezer who turned up at the party. Older fella. Dark brown hair. Dresses like someone’s dad.
Oh, you mean this guy?
Earl Clarke, official winner of Spot The Narc.
And then, in a flash of chocolate-brown awesomeness, Earl is gone.
As Max bursts into the Tea Room and chases Earl, Lenny whines that he doesn’t courier drugs. Now, see, this exchange we have on tape suggests otherwise. Oh dear, could this be one of those rare moments when Max Carter’s guilty assumptions of people turns out to be right? Now there’s a scary thought. Max. Right? So this is what the end of the world looks like?
Speaking of Max, he has some ‘through the back of the restaurant’ running to do. And he’s lost Earl. He smacks a door. Repressed anger and inadequacies emerge. Poor Max, it must be hard being wrong all the time…
Outside Lenny hails a taxi and Max arrives just in time to be redundant. And the two-way isn’t working. The fun begins…
Tony and Roger have discovered Katie behind the Riviera and she looks like she’s going to be okay. Oh thanks goodness, I was so worried about the hard luck. Hmmm, facetious doesn’t really work in type does it? *winks*
Back at the station Jack and Max walk and talk. Well, Jack talks, Max self-pities. Hiding the fact he’s genuinely worried, Max cracks that Beth would think Hannibal Lector was misunderstood if he said he was sorry. Ha ha ha… it’s not funny! Jerk.
In an extreme turn around, Max develops a complex…
Max: Maybe if I’d been a bit more supportive she wouldn’t’ve felt the need to prove herself like this.
That’s right people, another episode where Max learns from his mistakes, grows to appreciate the integrity and smarts of those around him… then promptly forgets them all the next time he has a storyline. His character development is as short-lived as Neil Manson’s stand-up comedy career.
And so he stands there looking like a slapped puppy…
Meanwhile, at the hospital, Grace has drawn the short straw and gets to interview the hard luck. Katie lays there looking particularly contrite about the whole shemozzle.
Grace wonders if Earl recognised Beth was a copper. Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Katie is upset by the whole thing because a certain colleague of Grace’s (let’s not name any names, Max. Who could be behind this, Max? Couldn’t be a certain DS eh Max?) said Katie would lose her son if she acted up and thus she took a beating. Was that the desired result of the bad cop Max? Again the world makes sense… MAX WAS WRONG.
Ah, it feels good to be back to normal again. I was starting to worry for a moment there we may have to endure stories in the future where Max learns from the error of his ways, stops making rash judgements and discovers empathy. It’s okay though. It’s not gonna happen.
Back in Jack’s office (alright guv, we get it, new desk lamp… move on!), Nikki and Jo discuss the likelihood of Lenny playing them all for fools. Well, let’s check the stereotypical characters list:
• Hard-ass bad guy (usually cockney, black or dressed like a happy-slapping hoodie) – check; Earl
• Hard-ass bad guy’s not so hard-ass assistant (always white, always nerdy and always stupid) – check; Craig
• The hard-luck (nearly always female) – check; Katie
• The good guy caught up in a bad situation… wait a minute… Lenny?
Well, according to the character list, yes, we can trust Lenny. But Nikki, Jo and Jack don’t have this checklist so let’s let them work it out for themselves.
And Max turns up with names. Joseph Seralina, Lenny’s real name. Well, now we know he’s bad, he has a record. Just one problem though, according to why he was charged (he called an ambulance at a suspected overdose), he doesn’t sound like your average criminal mastermind. But Max suspects… no, knows… he was the drug courier. He knows? Despite lack of proof? It’s his Max-senses. He can spot dodgy a mile away.
Seemingly, however, he can’t spot when a storyline’s been done to death…
But enough pointing out that the writers have clearly run out of original stories, let’s go beat down the hard-ass’ not so hard-ass sidekick. Time for him to whimper! I love it when they give in!
Craig’s already gone weak from his time in the cells. When he left the interview room earlier he was a prick, now he’s just sitting there biting his nails. Max and Nikki don’t even have to do anything to get him to talk. What cell did they put him in? The haunted one? Des Taviner’s ghost paid him a visit and kicked some spirit sense into him? Well, whatever happened in that cell, Craig’s a shadow of his former lemonade-threat self and tells them the rig is at the Broad Lane Estate. But wait… there’s a trap. Oh good. Include meaningful worried looks between Max and Nikki… yep, wonderful… now off to the Estate.
Up at the Parkside Tower (we can tell because it’s written in giant letters across the front!) Lenny wants to know if Beth smokes because guess what? It’s stair-climbing time. Hey, cool, we get to bust a bad guy, gather some drugs AND burn some fat. What a great job! Drugs, pirate radios and trimmed thighs and buttocks. Woo hoo. The police force just sells itself like this…
Beth gets a one-liner…
Beth: When I prayed for a fit bloke this wasn’t what I had in mind.
Beggars can’t be choosers love.
Jack and Max walk and talk (their new hobby, like an exercise team) about the booby trap. Apparently the reason the lifts are out on the Parkside is cos Earl’s electrified the door. Oh noes, Beth’s about to walk into a situation that could end with her smelling like fried chicken. Minus the chicken. Let’s say fried ass-kicking midget! 240 volts of red-hot power coursing through poor little Beth. Uh… hurry up Max!
More stair-climbing. Beth’s wearing gorgeous boots which do not look at all right for climbing, and this is looking like a Stair-master ad: Lose weight, burn fat and the rewards are electrifying.
Yeah, that was cheesy but I couldn’t help it…
Down on the ground the cavalry have arrived, just in time for Beth and Lenny to reach the top of the stairs. Grace runs because she’s found the power source. Lenny asks if Beth trusts him. She does. She’s standing in front of a huge wall of wires and not wondering why they all lead to the door.
Clearly Beth left her thinking brain in the bottom drawer this morning because right now I’m starting to wonder if my cast list is wrong and Lenny’s not all peaches and cream. Jack, Max and Grace assess the power. Grace wonders if they want to pull the power. Beth’s hand reaches for the door. The world collectively holds its breath wondering how awesome it will be to watch Beth get all sparked up and glowy on screen. Then Jack ruins the moment and pulls the power. Beth opens the door without trouble. How depressing. Where are my sparks?
Oh wait, it’s Earl Clarke. He’ll make things better with another line…
Earl: Hell of a time for a fuse to blow. Lucky for you. Lucky for me I have a Plan B.
Then he waves his gun. Now, not to rain on the parade of the man with the gun, but he rigs a whole building to be one giant electrical power vault (awesome bad guy Plan A) and runs drugs from a pirate radio van – all of which clearly take a lot of planning – but his Plan B is to shoot you? Its like Plan A was designed by Hitler and Plan B by Elmur Fudd.
Lenny does the stand and shield shove. Yay, I was right about him! Damn Max is making me see the worst in people. And Lenny didn’t guess ‘Laura’ was a cop. Ha ha, broken heart.
Down in the lobby Jack gets bossy, Max looks around looking tres bored and uniform scatter. Meanwhile Beth gets all ‘what have you done to Katie?’ Oh right, no one’s told her the hard-luck’s fine. It was Tony and Roger’s quick pick-up of Katie that tipped Earl off. Beth’s bored now and looks around. Look what we have here, is that a rig? And some drugs? She reads him his rights. Now, doesn’t this usually happen AFTER he drops the gun? Earl just smirks.
And starts weighing up his options. Turns out dealing Class A drugs and offing a cop carry the same penalty so he’s decided to take the latter. Beth tries to talk him down by explaining the gun is a dodgy fake. She was listening when Max spoke. Good thing too because I was miles away… but it seems sometimes Max’s knowledge can pay dividends and buys her some time as Max and Grace listen in. The two-ways up again! Team Smug and Midget team-takedown Earl Clarke with a few subtle moves. As Beth backs him up against the doorway, Max attacks and the gun goes off. Lenny takes one for the team. Yay! He’s good. Bloody, but good!
Beth and Lenny have a touching moment, Max chews gum and Lenny rolls around groaning and handing out CDs. Well, that’s how we end a siege here at Sun Hill. Let’s go home…
Back in Jack’s office (*sigh* Oh wait, now I see it, he’s right… cute desk lamp guv) the team listen to Lenny’s CD that tells them everything they need to know about Earl. As Nikki informs Beth that Lenny should get a light sentence because of his help (and bullet-takingness), Beth worries her undercover work wasn’t textbook. Jack reminds her undercover work has grey areas. Very grey areas if you take into account some of Sun Hill’s best undercover jobs. And Beth’s been recommended for an undercover course. So, we’ll see more of Beth Undercover soon? Awesome! And as Beth volunteers to caution Lenny, Max follows her from the room with a cheeky smile and a ‘I sent Katie some flowers’. Good for you Max, what do you want? A medal? And breakfast is on Max…
Well, if he’s buying… you, me, continental, hotel… ah stuff breakfast… the hotel room will do.
At St Hugh’s Beth’s back in uniform and Lenny cracks. Uh, no Lenny, not the time. Beth reads him his rights, hands him grapes (which, I think, are supposed to soften the blow of being arrested) then rejects his hopes of her visiting him in gaol. Wow, he’s pretty keen isn’t he? Sorry Lenny, Beth’s still property of Sun Hill Met. She turns to leave as Lenny admits he didn’t lie about everything… she is a great kisser.
Oh yes, they just had to bring this up again didn’t they?
And Beth smiles.
Beth: I didn’t lie about everything either… so are you. I’ll see you in court.
Lenny lays back in self-pity. Poor pumpkin. What do you have to do to get the girl in this place?
Nikki’s waiting for Beth to leave and offers to buy her tea and chocolate for our touching final gesture of the episode. It’s okay… DS Carter’s taken care of that…
Wish he’d buy me chocolate…
