Sins of the Sergeant

It’s a special episode of the Canteen this month to remember timeless hero of the screen (big and small), Edward Woodward. From tough talking wartime legend, to that bent cop in Hot Fuzz, Edward Woodward was an acting star whose talents will never fail. And he was the subject of a very silly joke…

Why does Edward Woodward’s name have so many D’s? Because without it he’d just be Ewar Woowar…

I told you it was silly.

But most importantly for the Canteen, Mr. Woodward starred in a very awesome episode of The Bill (I personally love it because Max Carter is such a jerk! Wait, that’s every episode thus far…)

So now it’s time to take three generations of trouble, add two sexy sergeants and stir… this is Sins of the Father…

PREVIOUSLY: Katie Taylor got death glared (woot, for more on poor Katie see ‘Beth Undercover’), Smithy was a good man and Max did another amazingly accurate impression of a gargoyle. 10/10 Max.

This week it seems we’re comparing the outstanding, sexy, sweet, brave, loyal (I’ll stop now before I die from love) Sgt Dale Smith and that other guy, the grumpy one… oh right, Max. It’s a sexy sergeant showdown so make sure there’s something soft to fall on when flailing begins!

An old guy has been beaten. Badly beaten. What a wonderful way to begin an episode – random abuse of the elderly. These cold-hearted local whippersnappers!

*waves cane on the old guy’s behalf*

Smithy and Will turn up to save the old guy from any more senile embarrassment and find themselves standing face to face with a legend – and no it’s not just because he’s Edward Woodward! This frail old man is a Sun Hill anti-hero, but more on that later because right now Smithy and Will have to get the old guy into an ambulance. It’s not easy because he’s putting up a fight, but eventually he’s carted off to the sweet, sweet sound of… oh yes, it’s start music time!

Back at the station Smithy is relaying the old guy sentiments to Sgt. Wright – he’s old, angry and can’t stand the police. So much love for the boys in blue from senior citizens these days. And they say young people don’t respect authority figures. I respect Smithy… especially in that uniform, oh yeah!

*claws*

K, I’m good now.

Smithy’s off to St Hugh’s, which Nikki now reveals to be useless. When our friendly old guy got to St Hugh’s he kicked up a row and stormed out, carrying on about the NHS. Smithy remarks that he hasn’t completely lost it then. He’s probably got a point there… you know, for a crazy old guy.

Down at the footbridge where our token old guy got knocked down, Will and an army of uniformed extras are scouring for anything. It’s then that the teenage girl appears, making sure she’s hidden so well – right in the middle of the road. Seemingly the kids of Sun Hill haven’t quite mastered the whole espionage, spy thing. Less drugs, more Bond children! Will chases after her, recognising her as a girl he saw in the crowd that surrounded our old guy when he was found bloody, bruised and bad-tempered.
This little lady, despite having no sense to not stand in the middle of the road, does seem to have something to hide as she launches into chav-mode and stalks away. Will doesn’t relent, following the teenage tearaway down a tunnel before finding himself attacked by a phone. Yes, instead of simply talking, she threw her phone at Will’s head!

Seemingly for a chav she’s well off enough to get a new one and so just hands them out to any copper she comes across. Her mother must hate her!

Back at the station Will’s amusing Nikki and Smithy with the story as well as rifling through the phone on the computer. Little Miss Attitude dialled 999 when the old guy was beaten up, but that’s not all…

The girl’s phone includes a few videos, some photos and whatever the heck this is…



Damn that’s creepy!

Meanwhile the cameraman seems to be having some sort of seizure as the footage gets very jerky. Okay, we get that the phone video is supposed to be amateur, but why hire the same person to shoot the scene inside the station?

And then, success. There amongst the creepy guy and the cameraman having some sort of fit, is footage of the old guy getting beaten up. The old guy is punched, kicked and then left on the road as a younger man in a black Golf drives off. Smithy and Nikki are not amused and Smithy remarks that ‘this isn’t just assault’ anymore. This is full-blown… wait, what do you call it when someone gets beaten up for no good reason and then threatened… oh right, it’s full-blown assault. Wait a minute…
And Nikki’s playing spot the Hollywood legend…

It’s Johnnie Jackson.

Yeah I don’t know either, but Nikki sure looks proud of herself and I’m sure if we wait a few seconds we’ll find out who the heck he is…

Back in CID Max thought Johnnie was dead… they shot him under Rule 303… Breaker Morant joke, sorry I’m a history major, I’ve watched it 100+ times hence the Edward Woodward love…

Max remarks Johnnie Jackson used to be a legend around here – which I’m assuming means London unless we’ve now revealed Max has been a Canley boy most of his life – and Jo’s checking the record. After an armed robbery in Harlow Street Johnnie served his gaol time, was released, and then promptly retired.

Allegedly.

Max isn’t convinced, but then seeing as Max sees the worst in bunny rabbits maybe that’s not such an insult after all…

Sam sends Smithy and Max down to Johnnie’s place where Max quickly takes his inadequacies out on the doorknocker and Jackson looks thoroughly displeased. Max is paying for that out of his wages or else he’ll sue for police harassment. Oh my friend, you haven’t seen the best of what Sun Hill’s finest (and this is the cream of the crop here you lucky old codger) can do in terms of harassment!

Jackson serves them with a few choice words and Max isn’t happy about having to deal with an equal – Max only likes to pick on younger, more senile or female persons. He feels like a big man that way.

But now he’s facing Johnnie Jackson, Sun Hill legend, and he’s not amused.

Max: (to Smithy) I thought you said he was gaga
Smithy: He was…

But now he’s not and I like him already now he’s dropped Max a peg or two. This should be fun.

Inside Jackson is cleaning himself up and Smithy thinks he should do that at a hospital. Johnnie calls him Florence then remarks the nurses at St Hugh’s were just poncing about. As he applies some liquid to a cut, Max looks grossed out.



For a man who used to shoot people for a living, he’s got a weak stomach suddenly. He’s gone soft in his very short time behind a desk at Sun Hill.

Smithy seems happy to be dealing with a more normal Mr. Jackson who believes his senile moments are caused by either ‘old age, misspent youth, not enough fish’ or any other such causes. Plus, Jackson tells them, senility certainly beats incontinence.

Our sexy sergeants agree.

Max doesn’t want to play nice though and wants to know what Jackson remembers about last night. He tells them it’s all a blank and you can’t help but feel sorry for the old guy, not that he needs anyone’s pity as he serves Max on a silver platter…

Max: So what’s the last thing you do remember?
Jackson: I remember being stitched up by a copper some years back

Max enjoys it…



Either that or he’s wondering how he can kick the old guy in the head without any repercussions…

Jackson’s convinced he no longer has any enemies and takes offence when Max doesn’t believe him. Then Max takes offence to being called a constable. Then we all take offence to the Hallmark line Jackson spouts next. Wonderful; now once more with feeling please Edward.

Smithy decides to put the testosterone away for a second and address the obvious – someone beat up Johnnie (and someone outside just locked their car up, I heard a beep!), and that can’t feel good. A young bloke appears, bursting into the house like it’s on fire, and Max looks confused by the revelation Jackson has a grandson. Well, let me explain it to you Max… when two people love each other very much… lost cause, he doesn’t know what love is.

Jackson goes spare on the grandson, remarking that ‘he’ let the boy (I say boy, but in reality he’s about 30) out to ‘finish the job’. Clearly the old guy has already forgotten his two handsome visitors are policemen because if you’re trying to hide something it’s never a good idea to openly yell it in front of who you’re trying to hide it from because eventually they’ll figure it out. I say they when really I mean Smithy. Max is still trying to work out how the grandson thing works.

But Jackson doesn’t want to cover-up anymore and tells Smithy he can arrest Jacko (I’m hoping that’s a nickname and that he isn’t really called Jacko Jackson) for dealing and working for a man named Andreus Audra (apparently that IS his real name, poor thing).

Jacko tries to escape but Smithy pulls him back, revealing a whole pocket load of drugs.

Looks like the old guy was on to something after all…


In the interview room Max asks if Jacko and Johnnie are close. Yeah… no. See, me and my dad are close. You know what helps ensure that? I don’t tell police he’s dealing drugs. Not that my dad is a drug dealer, he… damn that came out wrong. Now everyone thinks my dad’s a drug dealer… well done Kate.

Anyway, back at Sun Hill Jacko says he and Johnnie are close enough because Jacko loves him. Awwww… cute. Max wants to know why Johnnie thinks Jacko is a dealer.

Jacko: Pops gets confused
Max: He also gets beaten up

Seems Max also noticed Jacko’s careening into the house. Yeah, he left skid marks on the wallpaper…

Jacko bulk buys his drugs – like how you get discounts at Audi when you buy a whole box instead of just a packet of chips. Jacko – the druggie tightwad. But Max doesn’t buy it (not that his faux-designer suits would lead anyone to believe Max himself is a spendthrift) and has faith Jacko is working for Audra.

Great… now all we need is the proof.

Back up at CID a catch-up session is underway and the rest of the team just reiterate what we already know until Heaton comes with new information – Johnnie’s son Ray was killed in one of Johnnie’s jobs. After that Jacko lived with Johnnie until he was sent down but now…

Smithy: He says he’s retired
Max: He’s lying
Sam: How do we know that?
Smithy: Well, we don’t

Smithy doesn’t look happy. Welcome Smithy to the list of people Max has proven himself stupider and colder than. Please enjoy your stay as you learn to accept that Max is a cold-hearted, smug prick who is usually WRONG! It’s pretty much a daily basis thing now. This is what? Episode five we’ve had now…

*checks list* (Smash 1 and 2, Full Throttle, Blame Game, Beth Undercover…)

Nope, number 6! Woo hoo! Reckon we can reach ten before the year’s out? I think we can!

But don’t worry Smithy, Max has a totally reasonable explanation for the old guy hate…

Max: Leopard doesn’t change his spots just because he has a bus pass.

Sam rightly changes the subject to Audra before Smithy punches Max in the head…

Audra is Bosnian. All dodgy people come from Bosnia… trust me, my ex was one! Sam knows it too and wants them to chase Audra up.

As the lights flicker back on Smithy reveals he wants to stick with the investigation. Max doesn’t look happy – seems Smithy will cramp his style. Sam and Heaton think Smithy and Max would make a good team. Sexy team maybe, but good? Well, that’s a debate for another day because right now there’s a case to solve and seeing as we can’t exactly kick one of them off, we’ll have to settle.

Max looks like someone just told him he has to square dance with the Duchess of Cornwall…



… but he’s going to have to deal with it because it’s time for the reign of Sexy Sergeants… fighting crime one sexy brooding look at a time…


Smithy and Max are paying Johnnie another visit. Max is calling bids on Johnnie and Audra, while Smithy is certain it’s Jacko and Audra. Well, if we’re calling pairs I’ll take Max and Leon… at my house… in about ten minutes time. A girl can dream.
But we have bigger fish to fry right now as Jacko comes storming out yelling at his grandfather. Apparently granddad fell asleep and burnt the dinner – nah, Johnnie’s giving Jacko a serve about being a ‘punk’. Jacko returns that he’s not exactly a good role model then storms off. And you thought family dinners at your place were bad! Course if my family dinners ended with Smithy and Max on my doorstep I wouldn’t be complaining…

Who am I kidding? I’ll take any of those lovely Sun Hill boys, I’m not picky.
Team Sexy Sergeants head inside where Johnnie is playing with his projector and some old family photos. For a career criminal they’re not as interesting as you’d expect, and one of them is upside down. The Jacksons certainly ain’t no Underbelly crime family.

Smithy decides to delve deeper into the un-underbelly family and finds out Mrs. Jackson is dead, died during Johnnie’s trial. He admits he was never much of a husband or a father. Max says he’s sorry to hear that… except of course, you know, that he doesn’t sound very sorry. Why does he talk when he clearly means nothing by it? Somebody likes the sound of their own voice DS Carter…

Carter wants more information on the link between Jacko and Audra, but Johnnie ain’t playing ball anymore. I think it’s probably because somebody insulted him a few too many times… Max. As he stands and goes looking for his cup of tea, Max finds it before pointing out he forgot the teabag. Thank you Captain Tact, just rub in that he’s losing his mind. Smithy plays nice and states he prefers straight hot water (I do actually, it’s good for digestion) then the old bloke lapses back into what DS Carter calls ‘his turns’. For the sake of all of you thinking it, we’ll call it a ‘seniors moment’. As Sam relays this information to Jo, DC Masters gets FACETIOUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH:

Jo: DS Carter isn’t hugely sympathetic to Johnny’s condition is he?

Short answer: No. Long answer: No, he’s a prick like that.

Sam reminds herself not to get ill when he’s around. Imagine that, tucked up in hospital; Nate brings his puppy dog face, Smithy brings chocolates, Kezia comes with flowers and then DS Carter comes equipped with a death glare and a few tactless comments about how you look like crap. Oh Max, you make the world a better place.
Kezia comes bearing information of Audra and his business partner Roger Hutton. The pair run an export company named BGB – Bosnia, Great Britain. Clearly in the criminal trade creativity isn’t a strong point. Linked with fake passports, the duo just scream ILLEGAL PROSTITUTE TRADE but we can’t play assumptions here (that’s Max’s job), so we’ll sit back and wait for the token pretty foreigner. I have faith she isn’t far off.

As Sam tells them to chase up any links to the Jacksons, Terry looks amused and asks Jo ‘Carter and sympathetic, who wrote that one?’… um, apparently the writing staff did.

Nate bursts in with all his adorable puppy cuteness (look ma’am, I found a dead rat… wanna see?) with information of the black Golf. Enter Marty Baxter, resident at a rundown pub called the Fuselade, just the right haunting ground for scum… and now we’re sending the puppy in. Send someone with him or the poor dear will get eaten alive. It’s ok; Sam’s going to protect him. She can’t deny that puppy charm.

Down on Mayola Street we find the Fuselade…

Nate: What a dump
Sam: Some may call it a good old-fashioned London boozer…

And some may also call it the Queen’s hideout – doesn’t make it true. And the residents don’t like travellers. These guys may not be underbelly, but they’re certainly old school. They stole these bad guys straight out of the 1990 episodes of The Bill!

Inside is the preserved old men (like picked onions!) and the dominant matriarch… and then enters, oh yes, the pretty young foreign girl. Can I pick them or can I pick them? Nate cracks.

Dominant matriarch isn’t playing ball as our token foreign girl flees the scene. Matriarch has a problem though because she has a photo of Marty almost right next to her on a pin board. Yeah, didn’t really think that one through did you Mama Cass? And guess who he’s sitting with… oh yes, Jacko Jackson. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a connection of sorts.

Sam wants to poke about upstairs… and Sam gets her way even if she has to serve you with a burn of epic proportions…

Matriarch: Got a warrant?
Sam: Got a licence?
Matriarch: Yes
Sam: Wanna keep it?

Not to be outdone, Nate takes his one-liner crown back…

Matriarch: (to Nate) Touchy little madam isn’t she?
Nate: I believe ‘dominant matriarch’ is the term.



Sam is not amused, but she can hold off scorning the puppy as Matriarch calls upstairs for Marty and Sam figures out why the delay tactics. Nate rushes for the back door just in time to tackle Marty. As Nate arrests him I’m slightly preoccupied by the sound of someone in the background flooding their car engine. Really, couldn’t have done this elsewhere, we’re trying to arrest someone here and you’re putting us off!


Back at the station Sam walks and talks with Team Sexy Sergeants about Marty beating up his flatmate’s granddad. Smithy wants to look deeper into the Fuselade and Sam agrees before asking Max if they’re getting along…

Max: Next question…

Okay, um, something easier then like ‘why are you such a jackass?’.
There are no answers…

In the interview, after watching Marty beat up the poor old codger, he pleads self-defence.

Sam: He’s 76
Marty: He’s Johnnie Jackson
Sam: He’s 76

Sorry Sam what’s that? How old is he again?

Sam: He’s 76

So if he was born in 1932 that would mean…

Sam: He’s 76

And when you look at Max Carter’s frown lines you would say that…

Sam: He’s 76

Thanks for clearing that up.

Marty beat up Jackson because poor old Johnnie was mouthing off in the pub. If that’s his excuse Marty must make a lot of enemies at footy season, and not just because he looks like one recently hit him in the face…



U. G. L. Y – you ain’t got no alibi…

Johnnie was there at 3am drinking with them (an old-fashioned lock-in which is a dying act thanks to pub and nightclub curfews… wait, do you guys have them in the UK? We have them here – can’t enter a pub or nightclub in the city after 3am. It sucks) because Doreen (dominant matriarch, I mean the pub one, not the DI one) is a soft touch. Yeah, soft like The Rock!

But Max is finding it hard to get his little head around the idea that Marty beat up Johnnie without being put up to it by either Hutton or Audra. In fact, he has a kickass one-liner to go with his worries…

Max: You see, what I find hard to believe is that you would take on a local legend like Johnnie Jackson without even thinking twice. Now either you’d do that because you’re told to, in which case you’re lying to us, or you didn’t even think twice about it, in which case you’re an idiot. Which is it?

Okay… tough one *ignores ticking clock* uh, um… urgh… C. I choose C: both!
So what do I win?


Back up in CID Max gives Heaton the good/bad news – Baxter coughed. Heaton wants to charge him and move on, but Max isn’t sure and seeing as for once it seems he might be right, I think we should go deeper into this. I mean, we’re only 15 minutes in and only one person has been beaten up. We’ve still got our dodgy matriarch, our foreign girl and the creepy bad guy who haven’t had their moment in the spotlight yet. There’s still so much more fun to come. Please Superintendant, don’t rain on our parade!

When Terry arrives with cleaned up footage from the mobile phone it seems my pleas may finally be answered – the sweet sounds of Johnnie threatening someone named Roger.

Max and I think alike. Alas Heaton seems determined to be a smartass about it.

Max: It’s gotta be Roger Hutton. That’s a link to Hutton.
Heaton: He could be talking about Roger Hutton, Roger Valentine or Roger Rabbit for all we know.

Okay so we find Hutton, we put PC Valentine into witness protection and we now change the movie’s ending because I think we’ve now found out who shot Roger Rabbit!

Harry Morant: Shoot straight you bastards, don’t make a mess of it.

Another Breaker Morant reference… sorry, it was right there!

Alas no one likes Heaton’s joke…



Max looks like he’s about to be sick and Sam seems to be staring at a point just above his second button. She’s stripping him with her eyes! Sam you dirty woman!

But Heaton won’t play ball no matter how many lame jokes he gets to crack and starts walking away, despite Max’s claim Johnnie wouldn’t grass unless something bigger was going on. Smithy appears and is instantly corner like a rat when Max proclaims that it’s okay because Smithy has evidence. Hopefully that’s true but right now all he seems to really have is an overwhelming desire to kick you for putting his head on the chopping block. Smithy gets his own back though…

Smithy: Fuselade’s clean as a whistle as far as drugs are concerned… (Max deflates and Heaton frowns) but that is just because all of the serious drug dealers drink there. They like to keep their local clean.
Max: (in full ‘look at me, I’m special and right’ mode) See!

Heaton’s not impressed and Smithy talks more about financial records until Heaton looks about ready to fire them all and leave when Smithy strikes back…

Smithy: The property is leased by a property management company And/Or Management which is registered to Roger Hutton’s associate Andreus Audra.

Now we’ve got ourselves a reason to look further… And for Smithy to be even more of a top-class bitch about it…

Smithy: Oh I’m sorry, should I have mentioned that sooner?

No, all times are fine with us, and anything that makes Max squirm is even more fun!


Team Sexy Sergeants return to harass poor old Johnny who remarks he was fine until they turned up. He’s such a charmer. The Team tell him they’ve arrested Marty and share with him Marty’s story, but we all know this has something to do with Audra. Not that Johnnie is going to tell them straight…

Johnnie: You think you know it all don’t you? You haven’t got a clue.

For someone whose only known Max for a day the old guy totally has him summed up.
So Max plays guessing games. Drugs? Exports? Little clay mannequins. Okay, that was my guess but come on, this old guy isn’t going to say anything straight out.

Smithy’s guess proves more fruitful when Johnnie reacts. Seems this whole thing is about Roger and Audra coming between Johnnie and Jacko. Poor old guy just wants his grandson back.

Smithy wants to help, but the old guy decides to do a history lesson instead and brings up Archduke Franz Ferdinand. As a history major I’m suddenly more interested.

Johnny: Franz Ferdinand mean anything to you?
Max: (having totally failed history) The band? Not really my cup of tea.

And the list of things Max and I DO NOT have in common continues to grow. I saw them play New Years Eve down here. Awesome band! Absolutely awesome. Anyway, moving on because it’s back to history. Johnny outlines how the assassination of the Archduke led to the First World War. As Max stands there and wonders what any of this means, whether the old guy’s losing it and/or regretting not paying any attention in history class, Smithy listens intently. As do I. I like history. Of course, seeing as I had a Croat friend and a Bosnian boyfriend in high school I got more than enough of this story outside the history class!

There’s a hidden message in here and Max is bored and wants names and obvious things now! RIGHT NOW! And Johnny comes with good advice:

Johnny: If you don’t learn from history you are destined to repeat it.

See Max, if you do not learn that sometimes the pretty PC can be right about a suspect when they say they’re innocent, then you are destined to keep repeating storylines where she gets in a bad situation, sashays herself out with her sheer awesomeness and you’re left looking like a jerk.

Eh, lost cause, he’s destined to repeat that forever! It’s like trying to teach an old, stubborn, adorable but nonetheless borderline retarded dog new tricks.
And the old guy wants to shake it like it’s the 60s all over again. Come on boys, bend over and let me see you shake your tail feather!

As Smithy and Max free the house of fun they continue to work out their clues… well, Smithy works, Max just pulls more sour faces. And Smithy reveals his knowledge of Sun Hill’s seedy nightlife – Tailfeathers is a club. Well well well, maybe the old guy hasn’t cracked it after all.

Tailfeathers is clearly one of Sun Hill’s classier nightspots as a Lap dancing place on Vincent St. The team hypothesize on the old guy’s claims it’s someone behind Audra, bringing them back once again to Hutton. Nate gives us details on the club: ‘Barmaids are a bit skinny.’ Really? That’s the best assessment he could get? Max doesn’t seem to mind skinny though…



Get your mind back on the job boy…

Nate determines the bar perfect ‘stag night’ material. Sam asks what needs to be asked and Nate returns the best response.

Sam: Sex?
Nate: Well, I didn’t know you cared ma’am.



Kezia tries not to laugh. Smithy hangs his head in shame. Sam looks bewildered.

Sam: You knew I meant the club didn’t you?
Smithy: Oh yes

It’s THESE one-liners that I miss from the new Bill… the days before it got all serious and blue. Yeah, you know what I mean. Alright, let’s continue.

As Kezia gets on to files, Max and Nate (now re-titled ‘Romeo’ by Sam) are given the job of going to Tailfeathers as punters. Great, let’s send Nate the little skirt puppy. Max shares my worries:

Max: PC Roberts in a club full of girls ma’am – do you think that’s wise?

Nate got greedy with the lines this week:

Nate: You know me ma’am – always the consummate professional

I’ll be nice and fight the urge to snort in disbelief as Sam waves them from the room because Jo has just appeared with details on the bar. Roger Hutton owns the bar and leases it out to Audra, using Doreen to front it. Well if Roger Hutton didn’t seem dodgy before…

Down at Tailfeathers Max is looking like all his Christmas’ came at once. He’s just spotted Hutton and he’s surrounded by dancing girls who all seem to have come straight from Eastern Europe too (sans the Visa or English father). Nate looks disgusted by the sight of men at a dance club at 12pm. Awww Nate… hands up if you wanna pinch his cheeks right now?

*raises hand*

You could totally take this boy home to mummy.

Meanwhile Max flashes Met cash and looks like he fits in perfectly. Because I love Max I’m going to call him a good actor and hope that he’s just a great bluff and doesn’t actually know ANYTHING about these places… how naïve of me.



Knowing the Met’s constant ‘strapped for cash’ moments, he’s probably only holding twenty pound there.

I wonder what twenty pounds can buy you around here?

Max laughs as Nate is led away, the poor little PC looking less like he’s about to get a lap dance and more like a lamb to the slaughter. Nate takes a seat in the private room, still looking positively terrified. And we find out what twenty bucks can get you:



Anya!

The girl from the Fuselade Bar is revealed to be a lap dancer at the Tailfeathers club. Now, with her Eastern European accent she was always going to wind up as either that, a drug runner or dead. And who knows? There may still be time for her to become one of the other two!

Anya is horrified by the sight of Nate and orders him to leave. Nate agrees, hurrying back to Max just in time for the freaky dominatrix lady who runs the place to get all ‘code four, zone one’ on their asses. Max and Nate are about to eat asphalt, nightclub heavies style. And look who walks amongst them – ‘Jacko’ Jackson. Jacko wants them out, Max obliges with a raft of names for the guv – Jacko, Anya and Roger Hutton all in one place at one time. It’s like a ‘Sins of the Father’ bad guy convention.


Kezia has come armed with CCTV footage from the Fuselade which shows Johnnie entering the Fuselade at around 3am, as expected. Then Marty and Hutton, pushing Johnnie outside, bundle the old guy into a car and Marty drives off. Nice – it was a team effort. Geez guys…

Sam: He’s 76

… really didn’t need two people to beat him up!

Max tells Heaton about his adventure to Tailfeathers. Max has placed his bets on illegal prostitute importation racket and that Roger and Jacko are involved. Kezia informs them Jacko is the owner of Tailfeathers and so the team now have their suspicions Johnnie is leading them to Jacko to try and get him out of the mess relatively unscathed. Yeah sure, cos bad things never happen to bad people in this show. Bad things happen to everyone in this show actually. There’s at least one death to come and my money is on the foreign girl – they’re such easy targets!

Down at the Fuselade Max and Smithy find Johnnie having a drink with Doreen. They want to know more about the ‘bar fight’ so Johnnie agrees to talk to them.

Meanwhile, at Tailfeathers, Jo and Terry have spotted Anya and Jacko arguing. Sam’s just had word back that she’s illegal (never would’ve guessed!) and tells them to pull her in. They chase the prostitute and the grandson.

Walking the streets, Max taunts Johnnie about Jacko owning Tailfeathers. Johnnie leads them to the graveyard where Ray and Mrs. Jackson are buried. As Smithy leaves Johnnie to have a moment with the graves, Max decides to be a jerk.

Max: Let’s get Nate down here to keep an eye on him, just in case he’s up to something.
Smithy: Have you got a heart?
Max: Nah

Didn’t think so…

Jo and Terry meanwhile are discussing job prospects for illegals. Down here the job prospects include Chinese restaurants and Korean restaurants while you guys have openings in prostitution and… prostitution. Hmmm…

Jo and Terry head in to what Jacko describes as a ‘cleaning job’ to find Anya minus shirt. How is she cleaning things then? With her breasts? They arrest her, and Jacko, and cart them back to Sun Hill for the best part of every episode – the foreign girl gets grilled. I especially love it if they cry!

In the interview Sam plays the mother hen, telling Anya she’s the victim of a crime and that the police will protect her. Immigration however…

Anya doesn’t want to but because ‘he’ will hurt her. Which one though? Audra brought her in, Hutton gives her a job (cleaning then pubbing then prostitution) but Jacko…

Anya: He different… my boyfriend.

See, with boyfriends like that it’s no wonder I’m single!

Sam and Max realise Anya is forced to sleep with Hutton. If she doesn’t… so I guess that answers my above question.


Back up in CID Smithy has some good news. The armed robbery Johnnie pulled before the one Ray was killed in wasn’t done by Johnnie – he was taking the wrap for a rookie… a rookie by the name of Roger Hutton. So why would Johnnie take the fall for that twat? We may find out soon enough as Kezia tells us Doreen has just picked up Johnnie from the graveyard and taken him back to the pub, where Roger’s waiting for them. Max decides to crash the party. He’s good at that it seems.

Down at the Fuselade Roger Hutton is being extra slimy and Max assures them he’s only there to make sure there isn’t a repeat performance of the last time Roger and Johnnie shared the same breathing space…

Roger gives a large part of the game away when he calls Doreen mum. Aww, he gave his mum a job at his pub. For most mothers that’s a wonderful gesture from their son but from Roger this all just seems tre creepy. And the family mess gets even more interesting when more is revealed of this strange little family tree – Roger is Johnnie’s son. A love (and I use love sparingly because clearly there’s no love in this little family nest) child of Doreen and Johnnie.

Max is shocked…



This is better than afternoon repeats of EastEnders! (BTW, BEST. CAP. EVER!)

As Roger saunters off with all the charm of a wet catfish, Max capitalises on the situation…

Max: He’s got your charm, hasn’t he?

It’d watch it Max… this bloke may be old but he could sure serve you up for brunch…



Have I mentioned that I love this old guy?


Back in the Sun Hill interview rooms it’s Jacko’s turn for a chat with Smithy and Max. Jacko’s your classic idiot, unaware his precious Uncle Roger is just using him and that good old granddad is his only true friend in the whole world. Awww, are we going to get a beautiful ending now where everyone tra-la-la’s off into the sunset, best friends again?

Not bloody likely, this is The Bill.

Because Jacko’s well on his way to going down for running a prostitution ring and Team Sexy Sergeants lay down the law and ask him whose side he’s on…

His grandfathers?

His uncles?

Or Anya’s?

Jacko: What’s it got to do with her?
Max: She can’t get out Jacko. Hutton won’t let her. He blackmails her and he does what he wants with her.
Jacko: Not Anya
Max: Ask her. Are you really that stupid?

Again… yes, I think he really is.

On the news of Anya and Smithy’s plea to help Anya get free, Jacko relents. All the dodgy stuff is at the club, which means we’re back to facing the angry dominatrix (who scares me, a lot) and Roger Hutton with his lawyer. Max bursts in like he owns the place.

Roger: You heard of knocking?
Max: Not in a knocking shop, no.

As they uncover the safe, Roger looks amused by the whole thing. He still thinks he’s untouchable. But as there’s only a few minutes left of Part 1, I’m inclined to believe he’s very wrong about that.

Meanwhile in the front office of Sun Hill Johnnie’s waiting for Jacko. Roger’s being charged but Johnnie knows he’ll survive because he’s hard like Johnnie, unlike the softies Ray and Jacko who took after… Johnnie struggles to remember his wife’s name and the constant lingering dementia storyline returns. You know it’s very hard to dislike the old guy in this state. I just want to hug him and tell him it’ll be okay then go make him some chicken soup. Course he’d probably go me with the cane, but I can’t help it, he’s so old and adorable.

Jack emerges from the back of the station and looks very happy to be greeted by his grandfather…

Jacko: What are you doing here?
Johnnie: You know, that is something your uncle Roger never understood neither. It is customary to be there when a member of the family is released from the nick.
This family is so old school.

Then, in the ending we all secretly wanted, Johnnie and Jacko skip off out of the station to live happily ever after. Beautiful…


Back in custody Roger is whinging and Sam’s having none of it. In her sweetest ‘I am going to nail you to the wall you dirty old prick’ tone, Sam takes a seat, to the shock of her new friends, and informs them both that as she’s pushing for no bail this may take some time, so get comfy Hutton – you’re going to be here a while.



Oh Sam, don’t ever change.

A little later, all the work done, the team gathers to hear the Super praise them all unconditionally. Sam even tells them Johnnie and Jacko managed to leave without screaming at each other. Wonderful. Good work all…

Too bad Nate’s here to rain on everyone’s self-appreciation party. There’s trouble at Johnnie’s.

Heaton and Sam don’t look too pleased by that news...



Terry however looks very happy.

A person who smiles when something goes wrong has just found someone to blame it on…

Smithy and Max arrive at Johnnie’s just in time to find… oh yeah, dead body. It’s Jacko.

And just when we were planning their first ‘we haven’t killed each other’ anniversary…


Next time on The Bill: Johnnie loses his mind. Doreen is extra secretive and who killed Jacko? And who let Eddie into this story? It was going so well until he arrived!

Sins of The Father Part 2 coming soon… so stay tuned to this spot!

Beth... undersized

Time for a Canteen flashback, not far enough to be stale but just cold enough to be questionable. Yes, it’s time for something more sour than the milk, drier than the bread and frostier than the freezer on high. It’s a 2008 special. Ladies and gentlemen… it’s Beth Undercover…

So what’s this episode about? Well, I can’t be certain but I think Beth is going to go undercover. The title was pretty ambiguous about that so I just thought I’d make sure you know.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE BILL: Sun Hill started running a crèche and Roger was suspected of being creepy for hanging around it. Emma slimed all over the nearest target, Terry was nosey and Max revealed he shot two people. Yeah, he does that. Watch your back…

But it’s time for sexy start music. Let’s roll…

Down at Sun Hill Roger introduces our hard-luck story of the week and Beth can barely reach the hole in the custody door. She stands on her tippy-toes. So cute. And then recognises the hard-luck as Katie Taylor, a working girl who Beth gave a cup of tea and a ‘talking to’ (her words, not mine) then sent home. Beth’s made a friend but is still disappointed it wasn’t the fit footballer she cautioned a week earlier. I feel her pain but Beth decides to play nice with the hard-luck.

Katie whines. They always whine. Bored already. Beth tries to shut her down but again with the whining and the changing and the kid and the… yeah, you had drugs on you love, no deal. But hard-luck brings some interesting love for Sun Hill. She wants to help bring down the supplier in exchange for sympathy. I’m warming to her already. Let’s go get ourselves a supplier!

Up in CID Jack is information-filled awesome, Nikki makes random inputs, Max sneers at anything he can lay his eyes upon and Grace looks half-asleep.


Poor Grace, she never gets the good jobs. Could be because she’s boring and annoying, but hey, who am I to point out her flaws?

Nikki makes unfunny smart-ass remark of the week. What now? She’s been stealing Max Carter’s book on how to be a know-it-all prig? Nikki Nikki Nikki… you just can’t pull it off like he can. He’s sex in a suit it’s the only reason he works.

And Grace thinks she’s just being a tool…


I sense this entire episode being flooded with Grace’s ‘I judge you with my silent bored stares’ faces. If so… great!

Jack introduces us to Craig McKee, our token bad guy of the week. I mean the one that is bad, gets smacked in an interview and immediately stops being bad and starts crying for his mother. Yes, THAT token bad guy. Don’t worry, there’s another one and he’s awesome fun. Beth reintroduces hard-luck Katie to the team. She’s been intimidated into dealing by McKee who looks about as hard-ass as a lemonade but let’s not criticize the casting, and Beth hands out photos as she continues on about a derelict building party. Sounds like fun. I mean, really, what’s a night out without beer, bright lights, music and the increased chance of getting tetanus? Hope you’ve had your shots boys and girls.

Now, according to Jack, Beth’s going in. Because obviously the party caters for adorable little girls. Max looks troubled. Either that or it’s that pesky heartburn again. I can’t tell. Max reveals where the episode name came from in case we didn’t work it out then suggests Kezia instead. No no no, read the title on the script Max. It’s says Beth… Beth Undercover.

*sighs*

Max Carter doesn’t read your stinking script, he’s Max Carter, he’s like Chuck Norris, except more British…

When Max Carter falls in water, he does not get wet… the water gets Max Cartered…

Beth looks displeased. Don’t take it badly sweetheart, it’s not personal – Max hates everyone. Jack’s having none of it and ignores him. I like that method. Course if everyone he annoyed ignored him he’d have to spend his days talking to walls. But enough chitchat it’s time to hand back the drugs and go on our merry way. Meeting in Jack’s office coming up for the sexy sergeants in the room and Beth still looks angry about the Max Carter well of support…


Maybe we should retitle this episode Beth Unhappy…


Over in Jack’s office we learn Beth is the same age as Katie. Katie’s 12 now? Nikki is on Team Beth. Max continues to languish alone in Team ‘I Hate Everyone’. He can have that one to himself as I side with Nikki. Beth is ‘awesome in small packages’ so BTFO Carter.

Max relents. But as usual, he comes with conditions. He wants her on a wire, they’re running in at the first sign of trouble and stuff the consequences if it all goes outstandingly wrong. Well, that sounds like the Max we all know and constantly want to throttle. Jack agrees and Max takes the opportunity to go old-school smack-down on Katie.

Jo: (smiling and friendly) Hi Katie, I’m DC Jo Masters, this is DS…
Max: (in full Max-mode) Why now?

Yes, this is DS Why Now? Sometimes also DS Why Not? DS Why Her? And DS Why Should I Care?

Katie warms to him quickly as she glances at Jo.

Katie: What’s his problem?

If you can figure that one out sweetheart you’re one step closer to finding the meaning of life. A part of me wants to say he was mollycoddled as a child. The other half thinks he was born without a soul and is actually a robot in human skin. But whatever he is, he’s a fun individual to deal with.

Max doesn’t care about Katie and her son. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He doesn’t care about your sob story. Let’s just face it… he doesn’t care. Let me get this straight, this was, what? Max’s second episode in the series? We’ve established he shoots people, he sneers at walls, he has no discernible feelings and he doesn’t care.

Good to know some things never change in a year.

And now he’s threatening to separate babies and mothers. Katie sighs and gives in to his one-man campaign against the world and he leaves, include stamping and door slamming. How mature.

Jo rolls her eyes.

Outside Max drinks his celebratory coffee and Jo is intrigued by the use of ‘good cop, bad cop’. She hasn’t worked it out yet? With him there is no good cop. There’s bad cop, bitchy cop and ‘I will kick your dog if you don’t do what I say’ cop, but never good cop. It seems making Katie terrified of him was his plan all along. This way she’ll watch Beth’s back so she won’t get any more of the Carter treatment. I like his logic but I feel it’s all an excuse to hide the enjoyment he gets from striking fear into people. He continues his rant, yelling at Grace who comes baring photos. Again Grace looks bored and borderline peeved. Another triumphant face for Grace Dasari.

Oh no, now she’s growing on me…


Up in the Briefing Room it’s all systems ‘reccy’ (which will soon become lingo of the episode, just wait and see) as Grace scouts out the tetanus party capital. She reveals she couldn’t get any closer because of squatters, fear the homeless, and shows us some photos which look like the same type she could’ve got off Google Streetview. She never went out to the place, she just googled it like everyone else does at work then sat in the cafeteria until she was needed. I’m on to you Grace.

As Max details his elaborate and detailed plans (he’s parking cars on the street, wow, how long did he take to plan that?), Beth appears looking as cute as a button. Roger cracks. Back off you old weirdo. Max isn’t taken in and continues the never-ending spiel.

Max: I want you looking like someone who goes out on the pull and gets wasted at parties full of drugs and thugs every weekend not looking like someone who’s off to meet their dad for a pizza

Lol. Beth takes that as well as can be expected and asks the sergeant what he’d suggest. Oh good, let’s ask the man with two suits, two white shirts and that horrible blue thing (shirt, pullover, granny’s old skivvy?) for fashion advice.

Max, aka Carson Kressley, suggests she dress as if she were trying to impress Brad Pitt. Clearly he’s up to date on what all the young girls like. Brad? This isn’t 1995 you know! It’s all about the Jake, the Jude, the Hugh for my fellow Australians out there.

Beth goes for the Jake too *knucklethumps* and Grace snickers…


Oh Grace, you can join Max in the ‘so much better when you don’t talk’ category cos hun your expressions are killing me!

And Max comes baring a sneaky wire.


Check out mah bling!

And by bling I mean that ugly kind, the chunky tin-silver jewellery you find in a chemist. £3 a piece. You know it ladies, it’s the faux-bling, the oversized eye-catcher and a great distraction when you’re trying to lay off the alcohol (but a problem if you don’t and you find yourself strangling yourself with it – don’t ask!). Oh Max, you’re all class with that. It screams tacky like all those style pieces do. You can spot them a mile away – too large, chain too feeble and this one even easier because it reacts badly to underground radio. Handy.

But enough bagging on the best that Met money can buy… let’s partay!

Down at the abandoned warehouse the team take their positions. Jo is all alone, Roger and Tony man a cop car (hopefully out of sight, but let’s just trust Carter’s well-thought-through plan and take that for granted) and Grace has joined team Alpha(male) just outside the club. Beth’s dressed and ready to go, Grace kicks her out with suggestions of a comms check and cuteness ensues…

Beth: (as she and Katie walk from the car) Bet the sarge is checking us out from behind…


Can I get a ‘hell yeah’?

He looks away and tries to play it cool, scratching his chin. Too late Max, you’re busted.

They’re inside. Katie grabs what looks to be a branded beer, but let’s cover the brand and pretend they don’t exist, and then she doesn’t drink it. Nice. Believable. And within the first two seconds of the party Beth has been cracked on to. Max listens in and looks crestfallen. You snooze you lose Carter. Meanwhile Beth, who just became Laura, gets a bit of the Lenny special. If she doesn’t want him… just saying.

Lenny leads ‘Laura’ off for a drink and just in time for Craig to do the old grab and drag routine on Katie. How predictable.

In the kitchen Lenny flirts, ‘Laura’ flirts back, my inner mind writes Max sitting in the car noting little things Beth admits which he can use later to win her over, and then we’re back to the lounge and lo and behold, Katie’s disappeared. Never would’ve guessed it.

Lenny cranks up the radio and back in the car the wire’s gone. Max doesn’t like the music at all. I don’t mind it actually. Maybe Max should stick to his golden oldies collection. Grace wants Max to go in at the first sign of trouble but this ain’t trouble apparently, it’s a routine complication. As he speaks politician, I’m keen to point out that trouble looms. My years of The Bill senses tingling, I fear we’re about five seconds away from a gun, a smack or Katie’s bloody body.

It’s a gun, a van and our bad guy of the day.

How’s your routine complication now DS Smarty-Pants?


The van, plastered with your stereotypical African-American rap gangstas (ah, the over-Americanization of the world. Even the lowly Canley dug dealer is not immune), seems to be the hub of the pirate radio world. Beth’s listening device is causing feedback loud enough to wake the dead and she pretends it’s her phone. Nice cover, no one will suspect a thing. Until it feedbacks again!

*sighs*

Craig takes to Beth, Lovely Laura sorry, and wants to know if she wants drugs or money. She says both. Safe way to cover your bases when what you really want to say is ‘my cuffs on your wrists and my DS a lot less cocky and a lot more appreciative of my sheer awesomeness’. Take the drugs and money cos the last ain’t gonna happen.

Back in the car Max calls Beth’s phone, alas to no avail, and decides to go in. Good idea, that totally won’t make anyone suss. Aside the fact he looks like someone’s narc of a father. But apart from that he’s totally fitting in.

Meanwhile Roger and Tony begin building their own awesome stakes for the episode as they play ‘define the new DS’. Personally I think they’ve cracked it, and they’ve known him for a lot less time than we have…

Tony: The DS is not much of a one for teamwork is he?
Roger: No. I reckon if he thought he could get away with it he’d put on a wig and a frock himself and have taken Beth’s place.

I’d pay to see that. I wonder how much I’d have to pay the writers to write that into the series?

But Tony wants none of it…

Tony: Nah, he hasn’t got the legs for it.

Alright you two, puts your claws back in.

Back in the van Beth looks like a possum in the headlights as the token baddies of the day list their gear. Skunk. Grass. It’s like being back in high school again! Coke. Speed. Es. Whiz. This man is a walking cavalcade of drugs and their idiotic nicknames (which was one area I never quite mastered in health class). Beth looks impressed. Pirate radio and drugs on wheels. It’s like the ice cream van for junkies. But time for Beth to go. Katie’s staying. She’s got the obligatory ‘hard-luck gets beaten and dumped’ storyline to come. Yeah, they always come…

Lenny gives us token bad guy’s name – Earl Clarke. Earl. Like ‘My Name Is Earl’. I force back a snicker. He sounds so gangsta. Like 2Pac. P Diddy. Ja Rule. And then there’s Earl.

Earl’s the ‘kinda guy your mother warned you about’. I fight the urge to make a video about him set to my favourite Shindig song of that exact name as Beth wants Lenny, who it seems is a DJ, to be honest with her – does he work for Earl? Lenny’s a clean and just wants to go drag Laura off to the nearest quiet place. Yeah, back off, she’s property of Sun Hill Met and she can’t leave Katie. Of course, the lovely London weather (cold, colder, freaking hell I can’t feel my feet it’s so damn cold) gets the better of her and she heads inside.

Meanwhile the crew at the party play ‘spot the narc’. It’s like Where’s Wally for idiots…

Where’s the narc?




Those guys win.

But it’s time Beth was going. Say ‘hi Mum’. Telephone cuteness!

Max: Say ‘what’s wrong?’
Beth: What’s wrong?
Max: Tell him that your favourite aunt’s in hospital
Beth: Aunt Alice?
Max: If you like.

Mother’s ringing and Beth has to go, but first Lenny gets a total pash and Jo takes photos. Steamy! Jo picks her up around the corner… Carter would like a word. Oh no, he’s found out about the kiss. Run, hide!

It’s okay, it’s just the wire. Beth relays her hard-earned information and the team ‘go,go,go’ and crash the party. Poopers.

Alas, the white van has gone and Craig McKee is standing around being cocky. I think they caught on and scarpered.

Time for that interview with Craig McKee. Nikki wants to know where Katie is, she’s worried and she wants the girl back now! Meanwhile… Max doesn’t care about Katie. He just wants Earl. McKee sells out Lenny and the group head back to the Briefing Room so they can blame Lenny and Beth can roll her eyes. So, let me get this straight – Max thinks Lenny’s guilty. Beth thinks he’s innocent. Sexual tension between Max and Beth looks sets to rise.

Why does this all sound so damn familiar?

Anyway, let’s continue because the underground radio is interfering with emergency radio frequencies. Now, I like my underground radio as much as the average western suburbs youth, but that’s just not kosher. Drugs or no drugs, Jack’s not losing his damn radio. It’s critical we find this truck.

And to do that, we first need to overanalyse the bad guys…

EARL CLARKE: The Dark Destructor. It’s like an evildoer from a Marvel comic! He sends the databases into overdrive apparently with 20 years of convictions. When did he start? When he was 10? If it’s dirty and you can make money out of it, Clarke’s had a go. Naughty Jenson… whoops, I mean Clarke. I’m so confused.

LENNY JONES: DJ. Doesn’t spike your drink to start a conversation. Good thing too because from what I’ve read about drugs in drinks, it usually doesn’t end in conversation but rape charges and a Sun Hill trip. And according to Beth, he’s a cleanskin…

Beth: He told me he’s got nothing to do with the drugs.
Max: Oh that’s okay then, I always let suspects go when they say they’re not guilty

Oh Max I do love you so.

Jack lays down duties of the day then it’s time for another meeting in his office. Why does he keep bringing them here? Did he get a new desk lamp and is just waiting for someone to say ‘is that a new desk lamp guv?’ He’s very into his desk lamp.

Beth makes a good point about Lenny – he wasn’t showing off the drugs and many guys still believe that gets a girl. It’s true, they do and it’s still pathetic. Take note boys, Beth likes the good guys. I just want a bit of the ‘good but so arrogant he’s almost bad’ boys…

She thinks he’s protective and sweet. Jack reminds her she kissed him. Beth says it was Laura, not her. I question her mental state as Max falls into depression…


Jack wants Beth back undercover, Beth says Lenny’s innocent, a heartbroken Max gets bitchy and Nikki shuts him down. Wow, the tension in here is so thick you’d need a chainsaw to cut it. Max and Nikki bicker like a pair of exes and Beth looks stuck in the middle like the couple’s only child left to watch her parents fight. She’ll go back in, if only to ensure Nikki doesn’t kill DS Carter when his back’s turned. Plus going back undercover helps establish Lenny’s innocence. Yeah, she can give as good as she gets so BTFO Carter or she’ll make you hurt. She saunters off looking every bit as fantastic as we all know she is. Max looks impressed and we’re off to the candy machine for breakfast – Beth style. It’s Maltesers!

Max disrupts breakfast. Why? Why can’t he just leave her alone? Oh right, cos he wants a bit of the Beth…

Max wants to talk guns. He misses CO19. Beth doesn’t recall the gun and so he decides to play ‘sketch the gun’. It’s back to Mr. Squiggle…

IT’S UPSIDE-DOWN MISS ROSE!

And he steals her Maltesers. Well that’s not cool. But she needs to keep her mind on the job. Of course the grin on her face suggests her mind isn’t on the gun at first but on the present company…


And then Max goes on to explain the gun she’s just described. It’s German something. Badly manufactured something. Whatever, I’m just drawn to a man who knows his arsenal. One thing we need to hold on to though – they’re badly made and thus could misfire. Cool, the Destructor is going to get his hand blown off! I like where this is going!

Speaking of going, explanation over, bring your chocolate breakfast and come, let us chat to Lenny Jones.


As Max instructs Beth the best way to pick up (oh good, let’s tell the girl how to pick up a guy – awkward!), Beth fights the urge to laugh in his face as she dials.

Lenny answers the phone as smooth as possible: ‘hey pretty baby’. Well, no wonder he’s single with those lines. Jo snickers as Beth tries to find out when Lenny is DJing. Lenny’s still playing the over-protective type and warns Beth they’re bad news. Well thank you, I didn’t notice. The drugs van didn’t give it away! So Beth goes straight in and asks him out. Well, actually, not straight in. She plays hardball first, something Max misses when he reaches across the table and tells her ‘yes’. He just wants an excuse to cop a feel.

Meanwhile Lenny, who has likely picked up vibes that he’s found himself the patsy in a very messy love triangle (or is it four, if you count Beth’s split personality syndrome?), reminds Beth she’s a great kisser.

The CID crew are amused…


Jo’s face! Oh Jo I love you so…

As the call ends, Grace suggest Beth steal Lenny’s wallet when they meet up because she can’t find him on Crimint. Gee Grace, I hope we aren’t encouraging any law breaking! Tut tut. *slaps her legs*

And Jo jokes…

Jo: Well, we know he’s quite a kisser. Don’t forget that!

The girls laugh as Max looks around awkwardly, tries to deny feeling terribly flustered that Lenny Jones is getting a bit of his Beth, and makes out he’s off to reccy (I told you it would come back!) the bar. As he leaves, Beth rants. *sigh* Just when I was starting to adore her again, she whines…

Beth: Well done PC Green. You did really well on that call PC Green. I believe you when you say he doesn’t deal drugs PC Green.

Get over yourself PC Green. It wasn’t exactly rocket science PC Green. Plus, remember, this is Max PC Green. Go cry in the corner if you don’t like it and I’ll deal with him instead because he’s so gorgeous/awesome he could smack me in the head and I’d still give him the time of day… mmmm Max… uh, PC Green.

Grace thinks she’s just being a tool…


And Jo delivers again… when the writers were handing out one-liners this week, Jo got greedy!

Jo: Look, I know he does it with all the charm of a piranha fish…

Technically they’re just called piranhas, but anyway, the point is there: Jo is awesome, Grace is in a never-ending state of boredom, Beth has her whiny little girl moments and Max is a piranha. What a beautiful summary of the first 26 minutes.

Let’s continue with the story…


Down at the Tea Room (reckon they do tea? Nope, looks like it’s just alcohol, what a crock!) Beth and Max play ‘define Lenny’ and Max clears up the difference between suspect and accused. There’s a difference for him? I thought everyone was guilty until proven innocent?

Beth enters and looks as cute as a button and Lenny wants to talk about Beth. Max reminds her to stick as close to herself as possible. Great, here’s her chance to vent…

Lenny: What’s the usual?
Beth: Early start. Chocolate and a Coke for breakfast, I really need to stop doing that. I work part-time as a waitress. I hate the uniform. My boss Max; he’s a pain. I think he’s got a thing about me. He likes to show me up in front of people.

Whilst I change that to ‘a thing for’, Max laughs…


Well, at least we know he takes constructive criticism well.

Beth, meanwhile, launches into a new level of ‘define Lenny’ playing guess the age and birthday. She’s rocking it too, getting everything. Let her go a bit longer and she’ll have his grandmother’s place of birth and his political alliances. But cuteness is interrupted by the timely appearance of the Dark Destructor!

*insert ‘evil overload enters the room’ music here*

And then he drinks Beth’s wine.

Okay, seriously, not cool. I think, what with all that drugs money, you can buy your own yes?

Max watches on. He doesn’t like this. He’s going down to ‘reccy’ (hee hee, I’m thoroughly enjoying the word now) the bar himself… aka stand outside and look suss.

Meanwhile back in the bar Earl wants Lenny to check out the rig. I’m distracted by background music (Suburban Knights!). Oh right, they’re talking about Katie. Earl states he dropped her down by the Riviera. And by dropped you know he means literally dropped like rolled out of the van mid-movement. Poor Katie. And Earl wonders if Lenny and ‘Laura’ got ‘busted by the feds’. What’s with the American terms? Feds? As in Federal Police? *sigh* It’s the Old Bill or nothing man, stick with the cockney lingo (will also accept rhyming slang) or get out! Beth admits they must have missed it because of a certain ill aunt. Earl says they were lucky.

Now, here’s lucky, Earl’s talking drug shipments right into Beth’s microphone. Fantastic. And Earl wants Lenny to show Beth where to get the package. Lenny looks like someone has just kicked his dog (Max? No, not this time!) whilst saying ‘it’s cool’. Okay, I’m not a big reader of body language, but I think maybe it’s not as cool as he says. Oh well, Earl doesn’t care because he’s got one last line before he buggers off…

Earl: Of course it wasn’t complete luck we left when we did last night. The boys can smell a cop from a block away. Told me about this geezer who turned up at the party. Older fella. Dark brown hair. Dresses like someone’s dad.

Oh, you mean this guy?


Earl Clarke, official winner of Spot The Narc.

And then, in a flash of chocolate-brown awesomeness, Earl is gone.

As Max bursts into the Tea Room and chases Earl, Lenny whines that he doesn’t courier drugs. Now, see, this exchange we have on tape suggests otherwise. Oh dear, could this be one of those rare moments when Max Carter’s guilty assumptions of people turns out to be right? Now there’s a scary thought. Max. Right? So this is what the end of the world looks like?

Speaking of Max, he has some ‘through the back of the restaurant’ running to do. And he’s lost Earl. He smacks a door. Repressed anger and inadequacies emerge. Poor Max, it must be hard being wrong all the time…

Outside Lenny hails a taxi and Max arrives just in time to be redundant. And the two-way isn’t working. The fun begins…


Tony and Roger have discovered Katie behind the Riviera and she looks like she’s going to be okay. Oh thanks goodness, I was so worried about the hard luck. Hmmm, facetious doesn’t really work in type does it? *winks*

Back at the station Jack and Max walk and talk. Well, Jack talks, Max self-pities. Hiding the fact he’s genuinely worried, Max cracks that Beth would think Hannibal Lector was misunderstood if he said he was sorry. Ha ha ha… it’s not funny! Jerk.

In an extreme turn around, Max develops a complex…

Max: Maybe if I’d been a bit more supportive she wouldn’t’ve felt the need to prove herself like this.

That’s right people, another episode where Max learns from his mistakes, grows to appreciate the integrity and smarts of those around him… then promptly forgets them all the next time he has a storyline. His character development is as short-lived as Neil Manson’s stand-up comedy career.

And so he stands there looking like a slapped puppy…


Meanwhile, at the hospital, Grace has drawn the short straw and gets to interview the hard luck. Katie lays there looking particularly contrite about the whole shemozzle.

Grace wonders if Earl recognised Beth was a copper. Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Katie is upset by the whole thing because a certain colleague of Grace’s (let’s not name any names, Max. Who could be behind this, Max? Couldn’t be a certain DS eh Max?) said Katie would lose her son if she acted up and thus she took a beating. Was that the desired result of the bad cop Max? Again the world makes sense… MAX WAS WRONG.

Ah, it feels good to be back to normal again. I was starting to worry for a moment there we may have to endure stories in the future where Max learns from the error of his ways, stops making rash judgements and discovers empathy. It’s okay though. It’s not gonna happen.

Back in Jack’s office (alright guv, we get it, new desk lamp… move on!), Nikki and Jo discuss the likelihood of Lenny playing them all for fools. Well, let’s check the stereotypical characters list:

• Hard-ass bad guy (usually cockney, black or dressed like a happy-slapping hoodie) – check; Earl
• Hard-ass bad guy’s not so hard-ass assistant (always white, always nerdy and always stupid) – check; Craig
• The hard-luck (nearly always female) – check; Katie
• The good guy caught up in a bad situation… wait a minute… Lenny?

Well, according to the character list, yes, we can trust Lenny. But Nikki, Jo and Jack don’t have this checklist so let’s let them work it out for themselves.

And Max turns up with names. Joseph Seralina, Lenny’s real name. Well, now we know he’s bad, he has a record. Just one problem though, according to why he was charged (he called an ambulance at a suspected overdose), he doesn’t sound like your average criminal mastermind. But Max suspects… no, knows… he was the drug courier. He knows? Despite lack of proof? It’s his Max-senses. He can spot dodgy a mile away.

Seemingly, however, he can’t spot when a storyline’s been done to death…

But enough pointing out that the writers have clearly run out of original stories, let’s go beat down the hard-ass’ not so hard-ass sidekick. Time for him to whimper! I love it when they give in!

Craig’s already gone weak from his time in the cells. When he left the interview room earlier he was a prick, now he’s just sitting there biting his nails. Max and Nikki don’t even have to do anything to get him to talk. What cell did they put him in? The haunted one? Des Taviner’s ghost paid him a visit and kicked some spirit sense into him? Well, whatever happened in that cell, Craig’s a shadow of his former lemonade-threat self and tells them the rig is at the Broad Lane Estate. But wait… there’s a trap. Oh good. Include meaningful worried looks between Max and Nikki… yep, wonderful… now off to the Estate.

Up at the Parkside Tower (we can tell because it’s written in giant letters across the front!) Lenny wants to know if Beth smokes because guess what? It’s stair-climbing time. Hey, cool, we get to bust a bad guy, gather some drugs AND burn some fat. What a great job! Drugs, pirate radios and trimmed thighs and buttocks. Woo hoo. The police force just sells itself like this…

Beth gets a one-liner…

Beth: When I prayed for a fit bloke this wasn’t what I had in mind.

Beggars can’t be choosers love.


Jack and Max walk and talk (their new hobby, like an exercise team) about the booby trap. Apparently the reason the lifts are out on the Parkside is cos Earl’s electrified the door. Oh noes, Beth’s about to walk into a situation that could end with her smelling like fried chicken. Minus the chicken. Let’s say fried ass-kicking midget! 240 volts of red-hot power coursing through poor little Beth. Uh… hurry up Max!

More stair-climbing. Beth’s wearing gorgeous boots which do not look at all right for climbing, and this is looking like a Stair-master ad: Lose weight, burn fat and the rewards are electrifying.

Yeah, that was cheesy but I couldn’t help it…

Down on the ground the cavalry have arrived, just in time for Beth and Lenny to reach the top of the stairs. Grace runs because she’s found the power source. Lenny asks if Beth trusts him. She does. She’s standing in front of a huge wall of wires and not wondering why they all lead to the door.


Clearly Beth left her thinking brain in the bottom drawer this morning because right now I’m starting to wonder if my cast list is wrong and Lenny’s not all peaches and cream. Jack, Max and Grace assess the power. Grace wonders if they want to pull the power. Beth’s hand reaches for the door. The world collectively holds its breath wondering how awesome it will be to watch Beth get all sparked up and glowy on screen. Then Jack ruins the moment and pulls the power. Beth opens the door without trouble. How depressing. Where are my sparks?

Oh wait, it’s Earl Clarke. He’ll make things better with another line…

Earl: Hell of a time for a fuse to blow. Lucky for you. Lucky for me I have a Plan B.

Then he waves his gun. Now, not to rain on the parade of the man with the gun, but he rigs a whole building to be one giant electrical power vault (awesome bad guy Plan A) and runs drugs from a pirate radio van – all of which clearly take a lot of planning – but his Plan B is to shoot you? Its like Plan A was designed by Hitler and Plan B by Elmur Fudd.

Lenny does the stand and shield shove. Yay, I was right about him! Damn Max is making me see the worst in people. And Lenny didn’t guess ‘Laura’ was a cop. Ha ha, broken heart.

Down in the lobby Jack gets bossy, Max looks around looking tres bored and uniform scatter. Meanwhile Beth gets all ‘what have you done to Katie?’ Oh right, no one’s told her the hard-luck’s fine. It was Tony and Roger’s quick pick-up of Katie that tipped Earl off. Beth’s bored now and looks around. Look what we have here, is that a rig? And some drugs? She reads him his rights. Now, doesn’t this usually happen AFTER he drops the gun? Earl just smirks.


And starts weighing up his options. Turns out dealing Class A drugs and offing a cop carry the same penalty so he’s decided to take the latter. Beth tries to talk him down by explaining the gun is a dodgy fake. She was listening when Max spoke. Good thing too because I was miles away… but it seems sometimes Max’s knowledge can pay dividends and buys her some time as Max and Grace listen in. The two-ways up again! Team Smug and Midget team-takedown Earl Clarke with a few subtle moves. As Beth backs him up against the doorway, Max attacks and the gun goes off. Lenny takes one for the team. Yay! He’s good. Bloody, but good!

Beth and Lenny have a touching moment, Max chews gum and Lenny rolls around groaning and handing out CDs. Well, that’s how we end a siege here at Sun Hill. Let’s go home…


Back in Jack’s office (*sigh* Oh wait, now I see it, he’s right… cute desk lamp guv) the team listen to Lenny’s CD that tells them everything they need to know about Earl. As Nikki informs Beth that Lenny should get a light sentence because of his help (and bullet-takingness), Beth worries her undercover work wasn’t textbook. Jack reminds her undercover work has grey areas. Very grey areas if you take into account some of Sun Hill’s best undercover jobs. And Beth’s been recommended for an undercover course. So, we’ll see more of Beth Undercover soon? Awesome! And as Beth volunteers to caution Lenny, Max follows her from the room with a cheeky smile and a ‘I sent Katie some flowers’. Good for you Max, what do you want? A medal? And breakfast is on Max…

Well, if he’s buying… you, me, continental, hotel… ah stuff breakfast… the hotel room will do.

At St Hugh’s Beth’s back in uniform and Lenny cracks. Uh, no Lenny, not the time. Beth reads him his rights, hands him grapes (which, I think, are supposed to soften the blow of being arrested) then rejects his hopes of her visiting him in gaol. Wow, he’s pretty keen isn’t he? Sorry Lenny, Beth’s still property of Sun Hill Met. She turns to leave as Lenny admits he didn’t lie about everything… she is a great kisser.

Oh yes, they just had to bring this up again didn’t they?

And Beth smiles.

Beth: I didn’t lie about everything either… so are you. I’ll see you in court.

Lenny lays back in self-pity. Poor pumpkin. What do you have to do to get the girl in this place?

Nikki’s waiting for Beth to leave and offers to buy her tea and chocolate for our touching final gesture of the episode. It’s okay… DS Carter’s taken care of that…

Wish he’d buy me chocolate…

CHANGEROOMS LIVE TO S-O.co.uk

It's been a big few weeks for the Changerooms with a change of scenery which will be revealed for the public very soon... lol

I talk up nothing.

Fact is, the Changerooms are moving to sierra-oscar.co.uk

In a covergence of like-minded fangirls... wait, no... appreciators. Yeah, that's the politically correct term I was looking for... anyway, in a convergence of like-minded appreciators, the Changerooms are moving onto a sierra-oscar subforum (to be revealed soon) and opening up to contributors within the site and out of it.

I'll still be updating the long reviews here, but why head to the subforum and join the site? Many reasons...

1. Access to the most comprehensive episode list, screen cap library and collection of insane fans you will ever find
2. Exclusive Weecaps (shortened caps), requests, reviews by fellow readers and Stale Sandwiches (reviews from episodes before 2002)
3. The ongoing joy of finding others who appreciate your collection of hand-made The Bill character dolls. No, you're not getting any love here you weirdos...

So head on over to sierra-oscar.co.uk and give me a buzz when you get there.

The new Changerooms open soon so keep your eyes peeled and start writing those reviews. There are just never enough 'oh Smithy, you kill me slowly' moments out there...

Till we meet again... lol

Your (favourite?) Admin,
. Kate

EDIT (10/9/09) Sub-forum is up and bursting. Visit www.sierra-oscar.co.uk/canley for more...

There's nothing without the big final GRAB!

We’re back bitches with Smash and Grab, the two-parter more likely to cause eye-strain, alcoholism and neck pain from shaking one’s head at Max’s general rudeness to Millie. But I think us Mallie fans (I say ‘us’ in the hope I am not drastically alone) will be getting a reprieve this episode – surely he can’t be a bitch to her when she’s not even there!

PREVIOUSLY ON THE BILL: Toyshops got robbed. People were dodgy. Max was a bitch and Millie got taken hostage. Oh yes, I just love that in this series that’s pretty much mundane. Never get one where it goes ‘previously on The Bill’ and then a shot of the cast sitting around discussing mobile RBTs and granny losing her car keys. Maybe that’s just my neighbourhood…

Anywho, cue some sexy start music because it’s time for SMASH AND GRAB - PART 2. Let’s get this show on the road…

We meet our resident baddies for the day doing, well, you know baddie stuff like duct tape gags and tying to chairs. Where did they learn this – watching earlier episodes of this series I suspect. But, it seems, Bad Guy Number 1 (the ADD one) isn’t amused by having two captives. Oh the plight of the bad guy… long hours, too many hostages, stupid accents and then there’s having to deal with incompetent, in-fighting police. It’s no wonder they don’t have a union.

But, it’s okay, cos they came prepared with two chairs back-to-back in the centre of the room. Interesting… then again I won’t rain on their rather obvious (or maybe that’s ‘so subtle not even they noticed it’?) parade because at the moment my focus is on poor Millie who has just learnt that one of the best ways NOT to prove to a certain infuriating DS that you’re not an airhead is to get held captive. It just doesn’t scream ‘I’m brilliant’. In truth it screams ‘must not get abducted by two of the worst home designers in history’. Really, have they looked at this place? It looks like it was decorated by a blind man with no hands.

Jade doesn’t notice the interior design for she’s too focused on ‘my baby’ and Millie tells her in the nicest possible way to STFU. Seriously, if the guy with the gun says shut up, you shut up girlie. This leads to a sweet little introduction for Millie. It’s like a job interview.

“Hello my name is Bad Guy Number 2 and this is my pal Bad Guy Number 1. We’ll be your hosts for this hostage situation, is there anything you’d like?”

And my girl Millie gives it back with a ‘my boot-print on your face mother-‘. Oh no, that’s just in my head. I guess I’ll have to settle for a “My name’s Millie, I’m a friend, I was just visiting” with undertones of “my timing sucks, your breath smells and BTW my sarge will burst in here and bust your backside – as soon as he stops planning the next childish insult he can throw at me.”

Meanwhile, back at Jade’s place, the trusty neighbour has called 999. Ahhh, you can always count on the kindness of nosey neighbours. Roger and Sally investigate and Sally is revealed to forget names within hours. This can’t be good for future promotions. Roger finds baby Lewis, who is still the best actor in this place (and the most adorable), and Roger plays grandad.

Down in Sun Hill Ronnie Lane is awoken by a champagne breakfast – early morning Smithy. Who wouldn’t want to roll over and find that when you open your eyes? But Ronnie isn’t impressed, preferring sleep. Rachel’s having none of it, informing Ronnie that Jade’s gone AWOL with the baby in the cot. Ronnie’s worried and Rachel’s changed her tune. From waking Ronnie up at 4am to tell him Jade’s gone, to stating she’ll ‘turn up soon enough’. Nice back-flip Rache, but are you worried or not? Ronnie’s worried enough for two and tells them something is wrong. Very wrong.

He’s read the script…

By dawn the cavalry still haven’t arrived. Bad Guy Number 2 (the calm and actually not so bad-looking one) decides to remove the gags. He warns, however, that they shouldn’t do anything stupid. Like what? Kidnap a police officer? We can’t top that one for the day mate, so don’t worry about losing your ‘idiot move of the week’ mantle. Bad Guy Number 2 deems this civilised – sure, like dinner at grandmas – and Bad Guy Number 1 has a spaz-attack. He wants more money and less birds. Well, while we’re making a list of things we want: Jade will have freedom and her son, Millie will take a heroic rescue by a certain hot DS, and I’ll take baby Lewis for ‘most well-rounded extra in this episode’. He’s a baby, but he’s totally beating Cockney bad guy and not-so-Cockney bad guy. Alas, we can’t always get what we want my friend. Try next time.

Jade has her brilliant idea of the day (though I sense more coming from the chav-wonder) and tells Millie to inform them she’s a cop. Yeah, that never ends badly. Jade’s secretly wondering how much she’s worth. I put in a silent bid of £60, but I’m being generous cos I hope she comes with a free baby, and Bad Guy Number 1 is having none of this and waves his gun. He feels like a big man!

Back at Sun Hill it’s early morning and Rache is wondering where Millie and Ben are. Sally is silently betting on secret hook-ups and Neil is apologising for waking up CID. Nothing for uniform? They need their beauty sleep too you know.

The team get a briefing on our missing mother and the focus seems to be on Kezia for this episode. It could be because her jacket has shrunk in the wash and she should be worried about her kidneys. That will certainly not keep them warm! That said, I’m slightly pre-occupied by Max’s new get-up. Is that a new shirt DS Carter? Either he’s sprucing up to try and sweep Millie off her feet or my taunting last post got to him. I claim a little victory and move on…

Now, according to the iTV Press Release, this is the part where the team are worried about the safety of Jade. Yeah, I can totally see that.



Look at the worry on that face.

If this is his ‘worried’ face I’d hate to see his ‘terrified’ face…

So, Max takes out his general contempt for the world on the whiteboard and then continues that glare for about five scenes. I swear, if I could ask Christopher Fox anything it would be if he’s genuinely worried about frown lines later in life caused by playing Max. Really, try holding those glares for longer than five minutes. Your face tenses up. I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek doing it. Ow.

Max’s first line tells us that over the last few hours he hasn’t changed the record and deems Jade’s disappearance and Ronnie’s worry as all an act. Yeah, and the baby left in the cot with the back door burst open? An act. All her stuff left behind and evidence of a struggle? All an act. Max’s credibility as a source of unbiased views on the community around him… you know that’s an act!

But it’s okay, it’s just an option. Really he thinks Jade was taken so Ronnie would stay silent. Now, I like this theory better. Thank you Max, good to see it wasn’t just the fashion advice you listened to. And we’re back to Jensen. I love that no one’s cleared the whiteboard since yesterday’s investigations. Kudos to the lazy people who never clean up and hey… Ben appears. Neil takes up Max’s job as Jade-hater by stating Jade’s just ‘had too many shandies and gone off the rails for the night’. We’ve all been there haven’t we Neil? Haven’t we? Yeah, he knows what I’m taking about. When it’s not the shandy it’s the Breezers. Orange flavour! And Max looks worried for the first time.



Either that or he has heartburn…

Eddie attacks Jade’s kitchen, finding two size 12 footprints. Eddie is revealed as liking the big women (figures) and then two more print sets are found. Two women were here too. Roger looks confused but the dramatic irony is not lost on me as I scream at the screen ‘it’s Millie’ before realising that A: they can’t hear me, B: this isn’t real and C: the neighbours think I’m going mad. They’ve probably got a point so let’s head back to Sun Hill.

Rachel still can’t find her ‘absent friend’ and Ben thinks she’s out getting lucky. Rachel wants to kill her, but too bad for her some token Cockney bad guys may get there first. Eddie finds Millie’s phone in a pot plant and Rachel looks worried. Yes… Jade Hopkins’ house! Oh noes!

We get our new showdown for the episode as Millie isn’t here to fight, so Roger takes over and launches an attack on Max.

Max: What was Millie doing there [Jade’s place]?
Roger: She was worried about Jade. She did tell you sarge and she was right. Looks like Jade needed the protection Millie asked you for after all.
The crowd, lead by Inspector Weston, watch on, silently chanting ‘go Roger, give him a serve’
Max: Millie was getting too involved. I knew it would affect her professional judgement and look, I was right. She shouldn’t’ve been there Roger.
Roger: She knew Jade was in danger and wanted to reassure her. Some coppers are like that. She was doing her job.

Neil intervenes before somebody (Max) gets punched. Rachel states Millie isn’t one to think outside the box and I wonder if this is ‘pick on Millie’ episode and no one told Roger. Leave my girl alone, she’s awesome times 1000.

*knucklethumps Roger*
Go Team Millie Rules.

Max continues as if brawling with uniform is par for the course (if you judge by recent episodes it seems that it is) and informs the team Curtis Jenson, the slippery son of a gun, is the bad guy’s banker, bank-rolling every dodgy deal in Canley. He’s quickly becoming as disliked as Camilla Parker-Bowles. And just as ugly.

Max knows Jenson won’t have Millie and Jade at any of his places and I concur. Surely Jensen would design a better place than whatever craphole the girls are in, and Max believes him too smart for that. There’s a flicker of ‘but I’m smarter’ which he feels goes unsaid and then Rachel sends Ben and Sally undercover. Sweet, paid to hang out. She surely won’t get bored on this one! Max wants Ronnie again then decides to inform Roger they’ll get Millie back. Roger tells him ‘we better’ with undertones of ‘or I will punch you’ and a final dramatic close-up of Millie’s picture. Funny, was that always there? Didn’t we only realise like ten minutes ago that she was ‘missing’? They’re quick here with the missing posters.

Ronnie with the sexy voice gets the old Carter almost-Italian treatment. Is it just me or when he gets angry does he do a scary-good Mafia boss impersonation? Y/N? Maybe it’s just me. Max goes back to the photos, which we already covered, and forces Ronnie to start almost crying again. I still love him and his awesome voice…

Back in the blind man’s flat, Bad Guy Number 1 is getting antsy. He hasn’t had any calls and decides flopping about like a fish out of water will get the problem solved. Millie decides to tell them they won’t be any trouble and Bad Guy Number 1 is revealed to be a druggie. Great, as if his Cockney-ness and ADD weren’t damage enough. Millie’s suitably worried but as Bad Guy Number 1 buggers off to score with a big pile of cash (so that’s how much Jade is worth!) she bargains for names and water. Ewww, druggie water. I’d rather dehydrate.

As I revel in my snobiness, Jade looks peeved as heck and Bad Guy Number 2 decides on the softly-softly ‘I ain’t an animal, I just kidnap people’ approach. Sure. In his down time he pets puppies at the pound, delivers Meals on Wheels and teaches impoverished children maths – spare me! Millie gives him a smile, he looks confused and I’m tempted to sing the old primary school favourite…

‘Never smile at a crocodile no you can’t get friendly with a crocodile. Don’t be taken in by his welcome grin. He’s imagining how well you’d fit within his skin…’

The moral of the story? Don’t mess with my girl Millie:



Down at the station, Max and Roger bring in Jeff Hopkins to give him a hard time. Mr. Attitude has lost his cockiness under worry for Jade. Wow, Max and Jeff have more in common than they first thought. Jeff blames Max for any issues with Jade being hurt and I hand him the list of people who currently want to hurt Max Carter. Add yourself to the list mate, I think there’s a spot right there under Roger and myself. No queue jumping because Millie gets first dibs.

Sally and Ben are happy snapping down at the Piazza del Jenson, and Sally informs Ben if Jensen hurts Millie she’ll fry him on a sunbed. Oooh, now THAT sounds like an interesting storyline! Sally defends Millie *knucklethump* and Ben blames Max. Wow, he’s going to get so many Christmas cards this year.

Millie’s detective work starts when she plays ‘name and define the kidnappers’. She names Bad Guy Number 2 the eldest and we learn Bad Guy Number 1 has a real name: Si. Well, that’s very anti-climatic. Can I just keep calling him Bad Guy Number 1 please? Millie gives us a glimpse of her family tree (one younger sister) and states she always wanted an older brother to beat up the bullies. As an older sister myself, I can relate to wanting an older sibling, but I used to beat up the bullies for myself and my younger brother so Mills, direct me to your bullies, I’ll get them for you.

She can handle Bad Guy Number 2 herself, talking him around with accusations of being a druggie too then bargaining a momentary release. Bad Guy Number 2 relents and she’s free! For about 40 seconds and then Bad Guy Number 1 comes home. Cute scene where she’s tied back up again and I’m starting to suspect Bad Guy Number 2 has a bit of a crush on Millie.

Oh man this girl can attract them – the twisted kidnapper and the emotionally crippled DS. She’s like a magnet for damaged goods.

Kezia has her breakthrough moment when she figures Mr. Till has a bigger part in all this than we first thought. By we I mean them, I always knew he was suss and it wasn’t just because he’s such an awful actor. At the hospital Mrs. Till stands around and acts like a bitch then utters something that gets me. Hold it, pause that… does she know Ronnie Lane? Hmm, seemingly Mr. Suss has a Mrs. Suss too. And the good news is: he’s nicked!

Down it Piazza del Jenson, Jeff Hopkins is agro and threatens Jenson with a knife. Ben and Sally blow their cover and Jenson looks even more smarmy than usual. He just drips of awesome.

Ben and Sally head to CID with a ransom note. Apparently Jade is worth £70,000. Wait a minute, isn’t that the amount missing from the toyshop robbery? Max and Neil don’t link it, but they do realise Jenson would never send a note to Ronnie Lane. He’s more of an SMS bloke. And Will and Kezia turn up to inform the crew they have Lawrence. Max still wants Jenson’s guts for garter and we’re all starting to realise that if Max is this obsessed he must be wrong. Still, Jenson is so much fun no one minds. And he brings out the best in Max…



Jenson: Now I know you don’t have a very high opinion of me sergeant…
Max: True

Jenson escapes scot-free and down at the old schoolyard, while listening to their drug music, Si gets a call. The deals off. Si gives a dramatic outburst just perfect for a ‘next time on The Bill’… oh wait, I think it was, and Jade panics. Millie holds out hope her Bad Boy crush will save her. See, sweet-talking works. How’s that for thinking outside the box Inspector?

In the midst of Si’s ‘they can ID us’ rant, Mille reveals she knows their names. Oh great, that’ll help. But it seems they are dumb enough to buy the ‘we won’t tell anyone’ spin. The things a pretty face can get away with.

Speaking of a pretty face – down at Sun Hill Max has a moment with Millie’s picture (awww… he feels guilty) and Jenson’s got a rock-solid alibi. Max is having none of this evidence hogswallop and wants to search Jenson’s residence. Evidence, laws, pfft… get out of his way because this is DS Carter bitch and he does what he wants!

Rolling in another of those dodgy white transit vans, Cockney geezer Bad Guy Number 1 has ‘consulted with his brother’ and decided to release Millie and Jade ‘back into the wild’. Fantastic. Who wrote this bloke’s script? The world’s unfunniest Cockney send-up comedian? I’m awaiting a ‘not my ‘at ‘e chewed’ joke. He’s a walking, talking, kidnapping stereotype.

The brother interprets (because thankfully he didn’t get Number 1’s idiot accent): you’re going home. Oh good, well, that’s the end of the episode then and there’s no heroic rescue f…

I speaketh too soon…

As they near Jade’s place they are spotted by Roger who seems to have come to the conclusion also that fast-moving white transit vans spell dodgy behaviour in Sun Hill. He calls in a PNC check and guess who the van belongs to? It’s the Toying Around Toyshop. Neil reminds us that it’s where the robbery took place just in case we’ve already forgotten because we’re so preoccupied by white vans, Cockney geezers and Max being so unbelievably WRONG! Max finally understands the ransom. Woo, I would beat Max Carter at a game of Clue. I got the clues first. Course he’d just pull out the cards at the end of the game, say they’re wrong and proceed to inform us that while the evidence says Mrs. Peacock with a candlestick in the study, it was most definitely Curtis Jenson, in the victim’s house with a toyshop owner. He’d be no fun to play board games with.

Will and Max go after Lawrence Till, using the front stairs so they have a reason to cross Mrs. Till who doesn’t seem happy Lawrence is going down for the toyshop robbery. She worked hard to plan this, where’s her arrest? Yeah, I still think she’s in this, and not just because she’s walking about with airs and graces we keep reserved for tools like Carter.

Max is particularly animated in the interview and at the mention of the kidnapping, which Lawrence flatly denies, gets very upset. He wants his Millie back NOW and damn baldy, he’ll take you down with him if he can’t. His anger comes with a threat that makes Lawrence crap himself and my inner Mallie start dancing like it’s New Years Eve:

Max: If anything happens to her I will make it my personal business to make sure that you go down and you never come back out.

Squee!

The team come to a dead end but are saved by Roger and his outstanding awesomeness. Looks like he’s found Mick and Si. Max decides to tell the bad guys Millie is a copper. Oh no, this isn’t going to work.

Jenson isn’t pleased to see Max again, stating three times in one day is really boring. Hmm, see, one should be so lucky. Max Carter turns up on my doorstep I say ‘sure thing gorgeous, I’m dealing drugs, want to check the bedroom’?

*snicker*

Max wants a heart-to-heart with Jenson, threatening him with a copper-invasion every day of the week. Sun Hill’s finest? In my café? Jenson looks peeved and decides to play ball. Seems Mick and Si are on his ‘mailing list’ and he hands over an address.
Back at the blind man’s designer paradise, Si has missed his medication and a moment of madness ends with Jade being shot. Poor Jade, this really isn’t her day. This is the last time Lewis gets a toy from a toyshop. Hope he likes the ones he’s got.
Si finds Millie’s warrant card that was lost in the fray, and Mick looks very displeased. There goes his chances of her visiting him as an inmate’s ‘girl on the outside’. He looks suitably heartbroken.

Team Save Millie are on their way to the flat and we can all safely assume this domestic has moved on, but this does give ‘armed pleece’ an excuse to bust in some doors so lets not deny them their fun. Will and Max head in to look for some clues, and we find Millie’s jacket… and blood!



Yes, that there be Max Carter’s ‘oh shit’ face.

Back in the white transit van Jade bleeds, Millie cries and Si is Cockney. After a good shooting all characters converge back into their single dimensions seemingly. Si wants to dump their bodies in some wastelands, morbid! But Mick is reasonable – they’ll just skip the country. Well, neither of those options could possibly end badly. But for now our issue is bleeding mother and crying PC in the back so please guys, can we get our dodgy white van down to St Hugh’s first?

Millie makes a desperate plea: pull up at St Hugh’s and drop Jade off. ‘If it looks like I’m going to do a runner you’ve got nothing to lose; shoot me.’

She’s so awesome…

As Jade bleeds in a new place, Millie directs her kidnappers to Durrell Street car park. Take note peeps, this will be important.

Back at the station Neil states the blood loss found indicates a substantial wound. And they just left Jade on a bench? Geez, that’s nice. Will links the bloody jacket to Millie and Max pretends he isn’t struggling to comprehend the idea it was Millie who was shot, even though he’s noticeably distressed by it. Awww, Max cares. I mean about someone other than himself. This is a momentous occasion.

Roger comes with good news: the injured woman is Jade. CCTV shows Millie and the boys dropping her off and she’s now in surgery. Bad news for Max: Millie’s still with the men.

Now, this is where I pause for a moment to revel in Max’s appearance. Just hold on a second whilst I lose my shit over this ‘just rolled out of bed’ hair…



I’m fighting it, but I just have to say it… your bed or mine?

*is dead*

Now, back to the case. Rachel is off to track our dodgy van and Roger tells Max not to worry because she’ll be okay. Max’s attention drawn to the picture on the whiteboard, he informs Roger that she’s a good copper. Roger says he was talking about Jade.

Awkward…



Down at the car park, as Si searches locked cars for a way in, Millie and Mick have a heart-to-heart and Mick reveals ‘she’ organised it. Hold it… she? Oh yeah, I so had this from the start.

Now, what I love most is the revelation that kidnappers don’t like you to get cold. See, they’ll abduct you, give you a hard time, shoot people, drag you around by your hair but they will NOT, I repeat NOT, let you go out without a jacket. It’s like a psycho combined with your mother.

Rachel’s found the white van and Millie finally gets some congratulations from Max when he realises she’s lead them to Durrell St because it backs on to a government building. Good news and bad news awaits: the car park is patrolled. Yay! The private security firm are preoccupied by something menial. Boo. Durrell St car park is to kidnappers what Holsworthy army base is for terrorist Somalians: too bloody easy to get into. Thanks private security firms!

*salutes*

Millie manages to commandeer a fancy new Range Rover with her warrant card and whispers something to the driver. My hopes are that it’s ‘tell DS Carter he’s wrong, and a jerk’. Roger informs CID of the stolen car and again they’re too late to make a difference, but it seems Millie’s message was suitably cryptic. ‘She’s their cousin, she’s behind it’. Will gets it (he is so the king of the cryptic crossword) and picks it’s Liv aka Mrs. Suss. Oh yeah, go Will. There’s just one problem: she’s scarpered and you lot need to stop wasting time down there when you should be off saving Millie from impending Cockney-geezer-inspired doom. Yes Max, that means you.

There’s a good boy.

In the IBO, Sally has tracked Mick and Si’s fancy new Range Rover. It seems Millie is taking them to a dead end. Another point for Team Millie Rules. This ends now…

Back in the new Range Rover, Si spots Armed Response tailing them (so subtly too) and informs Millie he knew he couldn’t trust her. He just figured this out now? Wow, he’s smart-smart in the brain-brain. Dumbass, she’s a copper, of course she was double-crossing you.

As the flashing lights appear, Si gets very antsy and drives them into a dead end. Getting out of the car, Millie gets her hair pulled and Mick gets a smack in the head and falls over. Oh the brotherly love.

As armed police tell Si to put the gun down, Millie tries again to reason with him. It seems her hand gestures are working as Si lowers the gun (or it could be armed response, uniform and Max’s ‘Let my girl go mother…’ glare) and Will rushes in for the kudos. Dude he better not be taking credit for this arrest. Roger comes in to help keep Millie from collapsing and then Max joins for a tasteful ‘are you okay?’ Yeah, she’s great; look at her and her bubbly persona… WTF Carter are you blind!?! She’s clearly wrecked. That said, not wrecked enough to deny him down a ‘you were wrong’ smack in the face disguised as an assurance of Curtis Jenson’s innocence. Max gives a nod and a metaphorical pat on the back in the form Max Carter employs best: walking away.

And a little part of me dies…

Back at the station Millie is returned safe and sound and even gets a hug from Sally. Max turns his particularly smug expression caused by a job well done on Mrs. Till. The men still seem surprised she’s behind this, but every woman knows that the brains in any relationship is the Mrs. Too bad this relationship took on the combined power of Mallie, the perfect mix of sweet and smug.

The smug goes however for our final scene as Max congratulates Millie and states he always knew she’d do well. Yeah, I don’t buy it Max and neither does she, calling him a liar, but it’s a Max compliment and they’re so few and far between she should take what she can get.

Now that Max has revealed his human side, he goes one-step further offering Millie a chance to discuss what happened. Gee Max, I can’t be certain but are you asking Millie out for a drink?

Seriously though, DnM with DS Carter? Who are you and what have you done with the real Max?

Millie’s fine though and despite the rather tempting offer, it seems her crush has worn off and she decides to head home instead. Plus, her walk off at the end leaves us with Max’s most adorable expression yet…



This really isn’t helping my Mallie addiction…