PREVIOUSLY ON THE BILL: Toyshops got robbed. People were dodgy. Max was a bitch and Millie got taken hostage. Oh yes, I just love that in this series that’s pretty much mundane. Never get one where it goes ‘previously on The Bill’ and then a shot of the cast sitting around discussing mobile RBTs and granny losing her car keys. Maybe that’s just my neighbourhood…
Anywho, cue some sexy start music because it’s time for SMASH AND GRAB - PART 2. Let’s get this show on the road…
We meet our resident baddies for the day doing, well, you know baddie stuff like duct tape gags and tying to chairs. Where did they learn this – watching earlier episodes of this series I suspect. But, it seems, Bad Guy Number 1 (the ADD one) isn’t amused by having two captives. Oh the plight of the bad guy… long hours, too many hostages, stupid accents and then there’s having to deal with incompetent, in-fighting police. It’s no wonder they don’t have a union.
But, it’s okay, cos they came prepared with two chairs back-to-back in the centre of the room. Interesting… then again I won’t rain on their rather obvious (or maybe that’s ‘so subtle not even they noticed it’?) parade because at the moment my focus is on poor Millie who has just learnt that one of the best ways NOT to prove to a certain infuriating DS that you’re not an airhead is to get held captive. It just doesn’t scream ‘I’m brilliant’. In truth it screams ‘must not get abducted by two of the worst home designers in history’. Really, have they looked at this place? It looks like it was decorated by a blind man with no hands.
Jade doesn’t notice the interior design for she’s too focused on ‘my baby’ and Millie tells her in the nicest possible way to STFU. Seriously, if the guy with the gun says shut up, you shut up girlie. This leads to a sweet little introduction for Millie. It’s like a job interview.
“Hello my name is Bad Guy Number 2 and this is my pal Bad Guy Number 1. We’ll be your hosts for this hostage situation, is there anything you’d like?”
And my girl Millie gives it back with a ‘my boot-print on your face mother-‘. Oh no, that’s just in my head. I guess I’ll have to settle for a “My name’s Millie, I’m a friend, I was just visiting” with undertones of “my timing sucks, your breath smells and BTW my sarge will burst in here and bust your backside – as soon as he stops planning the next childish insult he can throw at me.”
Meanwhile, back at Jade’s place, the trusty neighbour has called 999. Ahhh, you can always count on the kindness of nosey neighbours. Roger and Sally investigate and Sally is revealed to forget names within hours. This can’t be good for future promotions. Roger finds baby Lewis, who is still the best actor in this place (and the most adorable), and Roger plays grandad.
Down in Sun Hill Ronnie Lane is awoken by a champagne breakfast – early morning Smithy. Who wouldn’t want to roll over and find that when you open your eyes? But Ronnie isn’t impressed, preferring sleep. Rachel’s having none of it, informing Ronnie that Jade’s gone AWOL with the baby in the cot. Ronnie’s worried and Rachel’s changed her tune. From waking Ronnie up at 4am to tell him Jade’s gone, to stating she’ll ‘turn up soon enough’. Nice back-flip Rache, but are you worried or not? Ronnie’s worried enough for two and tells them something is wrong. Very wrong.
He’s read the script…
By dawn the cavalry still haven’t arrived. Bad Guy Number 2 (the calm and actually not so bad-looking one) decides to remove the gags. He warns, however, that they shouldn’t do anything stupid. Like what? Kidnap a police officer? We can’t top that one for the day mate, so don’t worry about losing your ‘idiot move of the week’ mantle. Bad Guy Number 2 deems this civilised – sure, like dinner at grandmas – and Bad Guy Number 1 has a spaz-attack. He wants more money and less birds. Well, while we’re making a list of things we want: Jade will have freedom and her son, Millie will take a heroic rescue by a certain hot DS, and I’ll take baby Lewis for ‘most well-rounded extra in this episode’. He’s a baby, but he’s totally beating Cockney bad guy and not-so-Cockney bad guy. Alas, we can’t always get what we want my friend. Try next time.
Jade has her brilliant idea of the day (though I sense more coming from the chav-wonder) and tells Millie to inform them she’s a cop. Yeah, that never ends badly. Jade’s secretly wondering how much she’s worth. I put in a silent bid of £60, but I’m being generous cos I hope she comes with a free baby, and Bad Guy Number 1 is having none of this and waves his gun. He feels like a big man!
Back at Sun Hill it’s early morning and Rache is wondering where Millie and Ben are. Sally is silently betting on secret hook-ups and Neil is apologising for waking up CID. Nothing for uniform? They need their beauty sleep too you know.
The team get a briefing on our missing mother and the focus seems to be on Kezia for this episode. It could be because her jacket has shrunk in the wash and she should be worried about her kidneys. That will certainly not keep them warm! That said, I’m slightly pre-occupied by Max’s new get-up. Is that a new shirt DS Carter? Either he’s sprucing up to try and sweep Millie off her feet or my taunting last post got to him. I claim a little victory and move on…
Now, according to the iTV Press Release, this is the part where the team are worried about the safety of Jade. Yeah, I can totally see that.
Look at the worry on that face.
If this is his ‘worried’ face I’d hate to see his ‘terrified’ face…
So, Max takes out his general contempt for the world on the whiteboard and then continues that glare for about five scenes. I swear, if I could ask Christopher Fox anything it would be if he’s genuinely worried about frown lines later in life caused by playing Max. Really, try holding those glares for longer than five minutes. Your face tenses up. I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek doing it. Ow.
Max’s first line tells us that over the last few hours he hasn’t changed the record and deems Jade’s disappearance and Ronnie’s worry as all an act. Yeah, and the baby left in the cot with the back door burst open? An act. All her stuff left behind and evidence of a struggle? All an act. Max’s credibility as a source of unbiased views on the community around him… you know that’s an act!
But it’s okay, it’s just an option. Really he thinks Jade was taken so Ronnie would stay silent. Now, I like this theory better. Thank you Max, good to see it wasn’t just the fashion advice you listened to. And we’re back to Jensen. I love that no one’s cleared the whiteboard since yesterday’s investigations. Kudos to the lazy people who never clean up and hey… Ben appears. Neil takes up Max’s job as Jade-hater by stating Jade’s just ‘had too many shandies and gone off the rails for the night’. We’ve all been there haven’t we Neil? Haven’t we? Yeah, he knows what I’m taking about. When it’s not the shandy it’s the Breezers. Orange flavour! And Max looks worried for the first time.
Either that or he has heartburn…
Eddie attacks Jade’s kitchen, finding two size 12 footprints. Eddie is revealed as liking the big women (figures) and then two more print sets are found. Two women were here too. Roger looks confused but the dramatic irony is not lost on me as I scream at the screen ‘it’s Millie’ before realising that A: they can’t hear me, B: this isn’t real and C: the neighbours think I’m going mad. They’ve probably got a point so let’s head back to Sun Hill.
Rachel still can’t find her ‘absent friend’ and Ben thinks she’s out getting lucky. Rachel wants to kill her, but too bad for her some token Cockney bad guys may get there first. Eddie finds Millie’s phone in a pot plant and Rachel looks worried. Yes… Jade Hopkins’ house! Oh noes!
We get our new showdown for the episode as Millie isn’t here to fight, so Roger takes over and launches an attack on Max.
Max: What was Millie doing there [Jade’s place]?
Roger: She was worried about Jade. She did tell you sarge and she was right. Looks like Jade needed the protection Millie asked you for after all.
The crowd, lead by Inspector Weston, watch on, silently chanting ‘go Roger, give him a serve’
Max: Millie was getting too involved. I knew it would affect her professional judgement and look, I was right. She shouldn’t’ve been there Roger.
Roger: She knew Jade was in danger and wanted to reassure her. Some coppers are like that. She was doing her job.
Neil intervenes before somebody (Max) gets punched. Rachel states Millie isn’t one to think outside the box and I wonder if this is ‘pick on Millie’ episode and no one told Roger. Leave my girl alone, she’s awesome times 1000.
*knucklethumps Roger*
Go Team Millie Rules.
Max continues as if brawling with uniform is par for the course (if you judge by recent episodes it seems that it is) and informs the team Curtis Jenson, the slippery son of a gun, is the bad guy’s banker, bank-rolling every dodgy deal in Canley. He’s quickly becoming as disliked as Camilla Parker-Bowles. And just as ugly.
Max knows Jenson won’t have Millie and Jade at any of his places and I concur. Surely Jensen would design a better place than whatever craphole the girls are in, and Max believes him too smart for that. There’s a flicker of ‘but I’m smarter’ which he feels goes unsaid and then Rachel sends Ben and Sally undercover. Sweet, paid to hang out. She surely won’t get bored on this one! Max wants Ronnie again then decides to inform Roger they’ll get Millie back. Roger tells him ‘we better’ with undertones of ‘or I will punch you’ and a final dramatic close-up of Millie’s picture. Funny, was that always there? Didn’t we only realise like ten minutes ago that she was ‘missing’? They’re quick here with the missing posters.
Ronnie with the sexy voice gets the old Carter almost-Italian treatment. Is it just me or when he gets angry does he do a scary-good Mafia boss impersonation? Y/N? Maybe it’s just me. Max goes back to the photos, which we already covered, and forces Ronnie to start almost crying again. I still love him and his awesome voice…
Back in the blind man’s flat, Bad Guy Number 1 is getting antsy. He hasn’t had any calls and decides flopping about like a fish out of water will get the problem solved. Millie decides to tell them they won’t be any trouble and Bad Guy Number 1 is revealed to be a druggie. Great, as if his Cockney-ness and ADD weren’t damage enough. Millie’s suitably worried but as Bad Guy Number 1 buggers off to score with a big pile of cash (so that’s how much Jade is worth!) she bargains for names and water. Ewww, druggie water. I’d rather dehydrate.
As I revel in my snobiness, Jade looks peeved as heck and Bad Guy Number 2 decides on the softly-softly ‘I ain’t an animal, I just kidnap people’ approach. Sure. In his down time he pets puppies at the pound, delivers Meals on Wheels and teaches impoverished children maths – spare me! Millie gives him a smile, he looks confused and I’m tempted to sing the old primary school favourite…
‘Never smile at a crocodile no you can’t get friendly with a crocodile. Don’t be taken in by his welcome grin. He’s imagining how well you’d fit within his skin…’
The moral of the story? Don’t mess with my girl Millie:
Down at the station, Max and Roger bring in Jeff Hopkins to give him a hard time. Mr. Attitude has lost his cockiness under worry for Jade. Wow, Max and Jeff have more in common than they first thought. Jeff blames Max for any issues with Jade being hurt and I hand him the list of people who currently want to hurt Max Carter. Add yourself to the list mate, I think there’s a spot right there under Roger and myself. No queue jumping because Millie gets first dibs.
Sally and Ben are happy snapping down at the Piazza del Jenson, and Sally informs Ben if Jensen hurts Millie she’ll fry him on a sunbed. Oooh, now THAT sounds like an interesting storyline! Sally defends Millie *knucklethump* and Ben blames Max. Wow, he’s going to get so many Christmas cards this year.
Millie’s detective work starts when she plays ‘name and define the kidnappers’. She names Bad Guy Number 2 the eldest and we learn Bad Guy Number 1 has a real name: Si. Well, that’s very anti-climatic. Can I just keep calling him Bad Guy Number 1 please? Millie gives us a glimpse of her family tree (one younger sister) and states she always wanted an older brother to beat up the bullies. As an older sister myself, I can relate to wanting an older sibling, but I used to beat up the bullies for myself and my younger brother so Mills, direct me to your bullies, I’ll get them for you.
She can handle Bad Guy Number 2 herself, talking him around with accusations of being a druggie too then bargaining a momentary release. Bad Guy Number 2 relents and she’s free! For about 40 seconds and then Bad Guy Number 1 comes home. Cute scene where she’s tied back up again and I’m starting to suspect Bad Guy Number 2 has a bit of a crush on Millie.
Oh man this girl can attract them – the twisted kidnapper and the emotionally crippled DS. She’s like a magnet for damaged goods.
Kezia has her breakthrough moment when she figures Mr. Till has a bigger part in all this than we first thought. By we I mean them, I always knew he was suss and it wasn’t just because he’s such an awful actor. At the hospital Mrs. Till stands around and acts like a bitch then utters something that gets me. Hold it, pause that… does she know Ronnie Lane? Hmm, seemingly Mr. Suss has a Mrs. Suss too. And the good news is: he’s nicked!
Down it Piazza del Jenson, Jeff Hopkins is agro and threatens Jenson with a knife. Ben and Sally blow their cover and Jenson looks even more smarmy than usual. He just drips of awesome.
Ben and Sally head to CID with a ransom note. Apparently Jade is worth £70,000. Wait a minute, isn’t that the amount missing from the toyshop robbery? Max and Neil don’t link it, but they do realise Jenson would never send a note to Ronnie Lane. He’s more of an SMS bloke. And Will and Kezia turn up to inform the crew they have Lawrence. Max still wants Jenson’s guts for garter and we’re all starting to realise that if Max is this obsessed he must be wrong. Still, Jenson is so much fun no one minds. And he brings out the best in Max…
Jenson: Now I know you don’t have a very high opinion of me sergeant…
Max: True
Jenson escapes scot-free and down at the old schoolyard, while listening to their drug music, Si gets a call. The deals off. Si gives a dramatic outburst just perfect for a ‘next time on The Bill’… oh wait, I think it was, and Jade panics. Millie holds out hope her Bad Boy crush will save her. See, sweet-talking works. How’s that for thinking outside the box Inspector?
In the midst of Si’s ‘they can ID us’ rant, Mille reveals she knows their names. Oh great, that’ll help. But it seems they are dumb enough to buy the ‘we won’t tell anyone’ spin. The things a pretty face can get away with.
Speaking of a pretty face – down at Sun Hill Max has a moment with Millie’s picture (awww… he feels guilty) and Jenson’s got a rock-solid alibi. Max is having none of this evidence hogswallop and wants to search Jenson’s residence. Evidence, laws, pfft… get out of his way because this is DS Carter bitch and he does what he wants!
Rolling in another of those dodgy white transit vans, Cockney geezer Bad Guy Number 1 has ‘consulted with his brother’ and decided to release Millie and Jade ‘back into the wild’. Fantastic. Who wrote this bloke’s script? The world’s unfunniest Cockney send-up comedian? I’m awaiting a ‘not my ‘at ‘e chewed’ joke. He’s a walking, talking, kidnapping stereotype.
The brother interprets (because thankfully he didn’t get Number 1’s idiot accent): you’re going home. Oh good, well, that’s the end of the episode then and there’s no heroic rescue f…
I speaketh too soon…
As they near Jade’s place they are spotted by Roger who seems to have come to the conclusion also that fast-moving white transit vans spell dodgy behaviour in Sun Hill. He calls in a PNC check and guess who the van belongs to? It’s the Toying Around Toyshop. Neil reminds us that it’s where the robbery took place just in case we’ve already forgotten because we’re so preoccupied by white vans, Cockney geezers and Max being so unbelievably WRONG! Max finally understands the ransom. Woo, I would beat Max Carter at a game of Clue. I got the clues first. Course he’d just pull out the cards at the end of the game, say they’re wrong and proceed to inform us that while the evidence says Mrs. Peacock with a candlestick in the study, it was most definitely Curtis Jenson, in the victim’s house with a toyshop owner. He’d be no fun to play board games with.
Will and Max go after Lawrence Till, using the front stairs so they have a reason to cross Mrs. Till who doesn’t seem happy Lawrence is going down for the toyshop robbery. She worked hard to plan this, where’s her arrest? Yeah, I still think she’s in this, and not just because she’s walking about with airs and graces we keep reserved for tools like Carter.
Max is particularly animated in the interview and at the mention of the kidnapping, which Lawrence flatly denies, gets very upset. He wants his Millie back NOW and damn baldy, he’ll take you down with him if he can’t. His anger comes with a threat that makes Lawrence crap himself and my inner Mallie start dancing like it’s New Years Eve:
Max: If anything happens to her I will make it my personal business to make sure that you go down and you never come back out.
Squee!
The team come to a dead end but are saved by Roger and his outstanding awesomeness. Looks like he’s found Mick and Si. Max decides to tell the bad guys Millie is a copper. Oh no, this isn’t going to work.
Jenson isn’t pleased to see Max again, stating three times in one day is really boring. Hmm, see, one should be so lucky. Max Carter turns up on my doorstep I say ‘sure thing gorgeous, I’m dealing drugs, want to check the bedroom’?
*snicker*
Max wants a heart-to-heart with Jenson, threatening him with a copper-invasion every day of the week. Sun Hill’s finest? In my café? Jenson looks peeved and decides to play ball. Seems Mick and Si are on his ‘mailing list’ and he hands over an address.
Back at the blind man’s designer paradise, Si has missed his medication and a moment of madness ends with Jade being shot. Poor Jade, this really isn’t her day. This is the last time Lewis gets a toy from a toyshop. Hope he likes the ones he’s got.
Si finds Millie’s warrant card that was lost in the fray, and Mick looks very displeased. There goes his chances of her visiting him as an inmate’s ‘girl on the outside’. He looks suitably heartbroken.
Team Save Millie are on their way to the flat and we can all safely assume this domestic has moved on, but this does give ‘armed pleece’ an excuse to bust in some doors so lets not deny them their fun. Will and Max head in to look for some clues, and we find Millie’s jacket… and blood!
Yes, that there be Max Carter’s ‘oh shit’ face.
Back in the white transit van Jade bleeds, Millie cries and Si is Cockney. After a good shooting all characters converge back into their single dimensions seemingly. Si wants to dump their bodies in some wastelands, morbid! But Mick is reasonable – they’ll just skip the country. Well, neither of those options could possibly end badly. But for now our issue is bleeding mother and crying PC in the back so please guys, can we get our dodgy white van down to St Hugh’s first?
Millie makes a desperate plea: pull up at St Hugh’s and drop Jade off. ‘If it looks like I’m going to do a runner you’ve got nothing to lose; shoot me.’
She’s so awesome…
As Jade bleeds in a new place, Millie directs her kidnappers to Durrell Street car park. Take note peeps, this will be important.
Back at the station Neil states the blood loss found indicates a substantial wound. And they just left Jade on a bench? Geez, that’s nice. Will links the bloody jacket to Millie and Max pretends he isn’t struggling to comprehend the idea it was Millie who was shot, even though he’s noticeably distressed by it. Awww, Max cares. I mean about someone other than himself. This is a momentous occasion.
Roger comes with good news: the injured woman is Jade. CCTV shows Millie and the boys dropping her off and she’s now in surgery. Bad news for Max: Millie’s still with the men.
Now, this is where I pause for a moment to revel in Max’s appearance. Just hold on a second whilst I lose my shit over this ‘just rolled out of bed’ hair…
I’m fighting it, but I just have to say it… your bed or mine?
*is dead*
Now, back to the case. Rachel is off to track our dodgy van and Roger tells Max not to worry because she’ll be okay. Max’s attention drawn to the picture on the whiteboard, he informs Roger that she’s a good copper. Roger says he was talking about Jade.
Awkward…
Down at the car park, as Si searches locked cars for a way in, Millie and Mick have a heart-to-heart and Mick reveals ‘she’ organised it. Hold it… she? Oh yeah, I so had this from the start.
Now, what I love most is the revelation that kidnappers don’t like you to get cold. See, they’ll abduct you, give you a hard time, shoot people, drag you around by your hair but they will NOT, I repeat NOT, let you go out without a jacket. It’s like a psycho combined with your mother.
Rachel’s found the white van and Millie finally gets some congratulations from Max when he realises she’s lead them to Durrell St because it backs on to a government building. Good news and bad news awaits: the car park is patrolled. Yay! The private security firm are preoccupied by something menial. Boo. Durrell St car park is to kidnappers what Holsworthy army base is for terrorist Somalians: too bloody easy to get into. Thanks private security firms!
*salutes*
Millie manages to commandeer a fancy new Range Rover with her warrant card and whispers something to the driver. My hopes are that it’s ‘tell DS Carter he’s wrong, and a jerk’. Roger informs CID of the stolen car and again they’re too late to make a difference, but it seems Millie’s message was suitably cryptic. ‘She’s their cousin, she’s behind it’. Will gets it (he is so the king of the cryptic crossword) and picks it’s Liv aka Mrs. Suss. Oh yeah, go Will. There’s just one problem: she’s scarpered and you lot need to stop wasting time down there when you should be off saving Millie from impending Cockney-geezer-inspired doom. Yes Max, that means you.
There’s a good boy.
In the IBO, Sally has tracked Mick and Si’s fancy new Range Rover. It seems Millie is taking them to a dead end. Another point for Team Millie Rules. This ends now…
Back in the new Range Rover, Si spots Armed Response tailing them (so subtly too) and informs Millie he knew he couldn’t trust her. He just figured this out now? Wow, he’s smart-smart in the brain-brain. Dumbass, she’s a copper, of course she was double-crossing you.
As the flashing lights appear, Si gets very antsy and drives them into a dead end. Getting out of the car, Millie gets her hair pulled and Mick gets a smack in the head and falls over. Oh the brotherly love.
As armed police tell Si to put the gun down, Millie tries again to reason with him. It seems her hand gestures are working as Si lowers the gun (or it could be armed response, uniform and Max’s ‘Let my girl go mother…’ glare) and Will rushes in for the kudos. Dude he better not be taking credit for this arrest. Roger comes in to help keep Millie from collapsing and then Max joins for a tasteful ‘are you okay?’ Yeah, she’s great; look at her and her bubbly persona… WTF Carter are you blind!?! She’s clearly wrecked. That said, not wrecked enough to deny him down a ‘you were wrong’ smack in the face disguised as an assurance of Curtis Jenson’s innocence. Max gives a nod and a metaphorical pat on the back in the form Max Carter employs best: walking away.
And a little part of me dies…
Back at the station Millie is returned safe and sound and even gets a hug from Sally. Max turns his particularly smug expression caused by a job well done on Mrs. Till. The men still seem surprised she’s behind this, but every woman knows that the brains in any relationship is the Mrs. Too bad this relationship took on the combined power of Mallie, the perfect mix of sweet and smug.
The smug goes however for our final scene as Max congratulates Millie and states he always knew she’d do well. Yeah, I don’t buy it Max and neither does she, calling him a liar, but it’s a Max compliment and they’re so few and far between she should take what she can get.
Now that Max has revealed his human side, he goes one-step further offering Millie a chance to discuss what happened. Gee Max, I can’t be certain but are you asking Millie out for a drink?
Seriously though, DnM with DS Carter? Who are you and what have you done with the real Max?
Millie’s fine though and despite the rather tempting offer, it seems her crush has worn off and she decides to head home instead. Plus, her walk off at the end leaves us with Max’s most adorable expression yet…
This really isn’t helping my Mallie addiction…
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