This evening we’ll be embarking on an adventure for the hearts, souls and minds. A lyrical journey into the… who am I kidding? This is The Bill! Basic premise is this: stuff will get nicked, bad guys will run or steal cars to run, coppers will look totally hot and Neil Manson will not smile. These are the ‘death and taxes’ certainties of TB life and we shall not mess with such a perfect template.
But no, this is Smash and Grab - Part 1 and from it’s very beginning promise abounds. It’s breakfast at Sun Hill and everyone’s down in the cafeteria dressed like they just rolled out of bed and decided to head to work. PC Roger Valentine and PC Millie Brown are waiting in line for Millie’s completely necessary sausage breakfast. Millie’s so keen she’s counting off her chances, eyeing off the competition like a competitor in the Amazing Race. Her prayers seem to be answered when she’s next up in line and one lone sausage remains. Alas, from among the throngs of unnamed extras in uniform comes DS Max Carter. He’s late for a meeting and decided to take a few shortcuts to get there in time by wearing that blue shirt he’s worn a zillion times (at least wardrobe are consistent, but who really believes a snob like Carter would wear that so damn often?) and cutting in line. I don’t complain because A: that shirt highlights his awesome chest and B: cuteness ensues…
Millie: *sees sausage left behind and cheers*
Max: *appears out of nowhere with tea* *mentions something about a briefing and necessary tea*
Millie: *lost in the wonder of how her hot breakfast now has an added element… sausage, bacon and Carter…mmm* Sure
Max: Can I have this? And I’ll tell you what; can I have a sausage sandwich as well? *Millie slumps* Cheers. *sees Millie’s disappointment* You weren’t after that were you?
Millie: No, no it’s fine *forces herself to smile*
Max: Cheers *totally hot wink then buggers off*
Millie: Don’t say a word…
But it’s time to leave the cafeteria, stolen sausages and gorgeous Carter behind because it’s not his time right now, it’s time for… Sally! Oh god no, bring Max back!
And it seems that Sally is bored. In Sun Hill. Where crimes happen every 50 seconds. Oh…kay. Seriously, the body count here is second only to Midsomer (and while we’re on that topic, who would move there? Yes, idyllic, but hello – dead people!).
While I muse about what kind of job would keep the yawns at bay (nuclear engineer in Iran, UN ambassador to North Korea, shipping merchant off Somalia or air hostess on an Airbus A330?), Ben reminds us coppers never get to finish their tea. Poor Ben. You know the secret ingredient in that cup was whiskey.
Don’t judge. Remember, he has to endure Sally for a whole shift!
It seems someone’s robbing a toyshop! Oh noes. Sally and Ben are quick on the scene with Sally trying her McGyver moves on the bike. Yeah, didn’t stop, go figure.
As the audience cries that Sally wasn’t finished off, Sierra Oscar 21 and Sierra Oscar 1 chase bad guys on bike. Will appears at the toyshop wearing the same shirt he was wearing in ‘Old Habits’. Okay, I’m thinking this is less consistency and more budget now. Anyway, dude, it’s pink! Only real men wear pink!
We’re introduced (so subtly) to Jade and her baby… whoops, I mean, random mother and child, not suss at all, no. And then Smithy acquaints us with Mr. Till who informs us they’ve taken lots of money! Which brings me to my question… do we spend too much on toys these days? Back in my day we had tennis balls, elastics and chalk.
But enough fogie moments from me because Mr. Suss… sorry, Till, is in a bad way and Smithy looks hottt! Oh and something about suspects getting away, bike, dead-ends, blah… I’m still caught up in Smithy’s general hottness. Anyway, the scene ends with Roger and Millie losing the thieves in an underground car park and Millie getting out and looking daft.
Yes sweetheart, they’re gone!
Back in the CID Briefing Room Neil comments that toyshops aren’t your average target. Oh thank you Captain Obvious. I would’ve thought that went unsaid what with, you know, the children…
Neil’s analogy of the day is a duck’s backside (which Roger feels the need to over-explain but he does get a laugh for his trouble) and the crew go on their way with Max looking particularly pleased about being made SIO for this. Now, seemingly this episode Max has had a decidedly good morning and felt the need to use today to perfect his smug look. Seriously, if you turn Max’s smug face into a drinking game (take a shot every time this man makes a smug grin) you’d be drunk by the 20-minute mark. Clearly it was a good briefing, or just a really good sausage…
Will and Smithy are at the hospital with Lawrence Till and Mr. Till’s wife who seems displeased but does seem to be enjoying the hospital’s free magazines. We learn that the robbers made off with 70,000 pounds. Yeah, I was right, we do spend too much on toys. Anyway, the wife speaks and she’s as displeased as first suspected. Apparently they only moved here because setting up a toyshop in Canley seemed like the ‘less stressful’ life. Uh, lady, no offence but this is Sun Hill. You’d have a more peaceful life setting up a weapons dealership in Beirut.
Back at the underground car park Eddie does what he does best; talk slowly, trudge about and write on his clipboard. We get a gratuitous shot of Max’s butt and it seems the bad guys got away in a van. The stereotypical white Vauxhall transit van. I think we can now safely assume EVERYONE in Canley who owns one of these is dodgy.
It’s CCTV time now and back at the toyshop Jade, sorry, random woman and child, seem to be distracting the security guard. Max, eyes like an eagle, spots it and glares at the screen. That’s it Max, glare at it until you find out who she is.
Down at the real toyshop (or should that be warehouse?) Millie has found the real life girl on camera with her adorable baby and she denies knowing anything. Addresses are taken and she goes on her way, but we all know she’ll be back. She’s just the right amount of chav for an episode of The Bill…
Eddie is smooth and Roger ribs him. Roger is on fire this morning and my love for him begins… whilst back at the station Max is standing there with a smirk plastered on his face and Kezia has details. Enter Jeff Hopkins and his run down house. He makes up for lack of money with attitude…
Max: Motorbike rides into the store – just like you used to do. The guy riding pillion threatens the staff with a gun – just like you used to do. He then beats the manager with the butt of his gun before making off with a considerable amount of cash –
Jeff: Just like I used to do…
Ah, he’s getting it.
Walks into someone’s house and glares at them – just like Max used to do. Makes a few completely unnecessary assumptions – just like Max used to do. Gets his smartass remarks shut down…
Just like Max just did…
Max checks out happy snaps and finds… hey hey, it’s our girl from the store. Burn!
Back at a rather well furnished flat, Jade Hopkins our mystery girl and her adorable baby boy, are being questioned. Following a blow-up Millie almost goes to tears. Ah, that’s the Millie we all know and often want to smack… and Jade’s having none of them. GTFO! Yes ma’am.
Be Warned: Our war between Millie and Max begins now… Millie (Team Jade) and Max (Team Everyone Is Guilty) disagree over Jade’s innocence and Max’s huff almost turns Millie, who we can already tell will end up being right, to agree. But Roger talks on behalf of the audience. Disagree. Make this fun! As Millie is pulled away by Will, Roger tries to talk Max around. Yeah, mate, that’s like trying to make a bull listen. Roger insists Millie is a good copper and Max remarks that asking her opinion is like reading the manual. Touché DS Carter, but this coming from a man whose answers all include ‘he/she is guilty’ ‘liar’ or his ongoing hate of the world.
Striking the first blow in this battle, Max decides then that being smug just isn’t enough for his character development and adds being an absolute bitch with a tasteful comment about Millie’s lack in the brains department. Well, gee, aren’t we a friendly person this morning? As if stealing sausages just wasn’t enough! It’s pretty mature too – like that 10-year-old boy in your fourth grade class that used to pull your hair. Gee Max, why not just call her ‘Smellie’, prod her with a ruler and laugh when she cries?
Naturally Millie is about 20 centimetres away and heartbroken, Roger seems about ready to punch someone in the head and there are no prizes for guessing whom that person is, and Max explains where he left his tact this morning…
Over there, by the copy machine…
I hate to say it but he probably has a point there somewhere in that general jerk-off behaviour. I refer to episode ‘Deal Me Out’ with the smelly homeless man. She was rather daft in that one wasn’t she? But seeing as the cool kids just think he’s being a prick, I’ll shake my head and glare right back at him. Cold Max, very cold.
Will’s the only one still working here and he’s found Curtis Jensen, another smug prick whom Carter calls a ‘local gangsta made good’. Yeah, look at him, he rolls with the hoes. Sending a still heartbroken Millie and Roger on their way, Max and Will head down to the tanning salon Curtis owns. Just their luck, he’s there that day and looking particularly smarmy. Max is surprised people book in at 8:30. He clearly doesn’t know enough about vanity. Jensen and his podgy manager Palmer are clean as a whistle; of course… what would a good episode be without the bad guys getting away with it for too long? And on their way out Max gets a free tanning session. Apparently he’s pasty. Now, I hate to rain on Jensen’s parade but he’s not exactly a bronzed god himself and has he noticed the weather lately? It’s a bit hard to get a nice tan in the rain!
Time for an introduction to Ronnie Lane and the super duo head to the probation office to meet the man with the awesome voice. I’m seriously in love with his voice. It’s so gravelly. I think I have a new bad boy crush… Using his awesome voice he denies their allegations and Max feels the need to prove himself by talking down his nose at Lane…
Up Max Carter’s nose… hot.
Back in CID Max manages to name our two future bad guys within the first ten seconds. How lucky Ronnie only has two friends: Alex and his sister. Bit sad for him, but great for this smug bastard:
It’s time for a three-way hit on the suspects’ places: Jeff, Jade and Ronnie’s homes. During the meeting Millie’s mind is elsewhere. She, like myself, is weighing up her options…
1: Forgive Max’s lack of social skills and move on
2: Kill him
Naturally many factors affect the decision like: he’s her senior, he’s hot, he’s a good detective, he’s hot, murder will get her kicked out of the force and… he’s hot.
From the look on her face (and Roger’s ability to read minds and/or assume the worst) she’s slowly warming to the latter…
Watch your back Carter!
Kicking in doors is order of the day and Ronnie looks bemused, Jeff Hopkins is borderline rolling his eyes and Sally’s found a map in Ronnie’s place and some photos of his sister the lovely Ms. Jade. Doesn’t look good for you my friend…
Back at Jade’s place she has another blow-up bringing Millie to tears. Will takes none of her crap and makes for the cot. Jade’s peeved as heck and decides to do it herself, ripping up the blankets and mattress…
Lo and behold… the gun’s in the cot!
BAD BABY!
Jade heads for the cells whilst Millie has to drag the baby away. Lewis the baby gets acting job of the day for staring Jade down like she’s a crazy person and Millie fights the urge to cry… again. You think when they were casting for Millie what the ad said was: PC needed, wide eyes, look adorable and cries a lot. No, seriously, a lot! Like all the time…
In comparison to Max…
Whilst I pry myself away from any comments on this picture…
Millie and Max have a showdown of what seems to be a ‘humph’ off, by which I mean it goes a little something like this:
Millie: Humph… this system is so not fair to split a baby and mother
Max: Humph… I hate people… I really really hate people
Millie hands over the baby and the other childish person in the room gets his chance to shine…
Max: I had an instinct about her from the start. All that struggling mother bull. (for this part he sounds outlandishly scary and I think all future nightmares will have this voice in it) She’s a phoney.
Millie: Really
She then turns and walks away, leaving Max wondering what he said wrong. Gee Max, I don’t know, could be your outstanding ability to say just what needs to be said in every bad situation… idiot.
Inspector Weston walks past Neil and for some reason says what sounds like ‘Max’. No Rache, that’s Neil. Ne-il. I shouldn’t patronise. Sorry ma’am. Anyway, she comes bearing evidence, and giving Neil a chance to comment on the gun in the cot business… ‘nice’. Seems our baddies have been dumping jackets in bins with balaclavas on. Now, all to our accomplice, but why leave the balaclava on? Doesn’t that just say: ‘what I’m dumping is dodgy, please call the police’. Course, all baddies in Sun Hill are not all there in the brains department so let’s not rub it in.
We return to CID where the team are searching for our get away transit van… and analysing creepy photos of Jade. Team Jade is still on fire, asking the team to reconsider putting any pressure on Jade. Neil looks intrigued by Millie’s opinions, but Max is having none of them and shuts her down with a simple ‘I am right (and hot)’. Personally I feel he has a very strong argument there, but Millie is not so quick to agree. Rachel and Neil sit back and watch the war with looks on their faces like ‘this is more entertaining than Coronation Street’ and Eddie interrupts just before Millie seems on the verge of calling Max an idiot and getting herself kicked out of the investigation.
Now, is it just me, or do we have a theme going all of a sudden of a showdown between CID and Uniform where uniform are all right and CID all ‘I’m so right’ but so totally wrong? Case in point being a few recent episodes: Beth vs. Terry in her final two episodes… Callum vs. Max in ‘Got You Wrong’… and now this one. Course with Max and Callum it was what I titled the ‘HOT SERGEANTS SHOWDOWN!’ with a certain gorgeous TDC in the middle. With Beth and Terry it was just very father figurely. But this one, god, it’s so subtly yelling ‘couple’ that some people in Venezuela just sat up and went ‘couple?’ and proceeded to look up the word in a dictionary. Yeah… I’m just that subtle too. It’s the inner Mallie. Beware the inner Mallie, she’s been rather good so far but she will come out for this episode, I assure you.
A bookie’s slip provides a lead for the team and Millie gets a moment of brilliance with a lead on the CCTV from a cab firm down the street. Roger tells her she’s not just a pretty face, something which Millie would like to prove to Max. Now, surely he doesn’t deny the pretty face but that’s Max for you Mill, he’s a prick, it’s kinda why we love him.
Meanwhile The Bill writers remind us that every picture says one thousand words, all of which end with Max and a bed…
And Will finds some burnt wrappings from the stolen toyshop money. Max yells, looks hotter doing so and I’m forced to fan myself for a second, then they head out. How lucky for them… Palmer is right across the road with the money in hand. Headed for the tanning salon. Interesting…
Millie’s lead pays off when they find our dodgy transit van and she passes off her moment of brilliance, but Roger is quick to give her some love. Oh Roger, you’re like the father figure of the station – except cooler. Seriously, my dad is a giant dork. Roger would out-cool him any day! But, back to uber-cool Roger and his love, mentioning that Millie should not let Max’s words get her down. She won’t. Roger calls her a liar and she gives the most adorable little grin. High-fives to Roger for seeing right through her pitiful attempts to hide her crush. Honestly, if it were any more obvious it would be like getting hit by a bus.
Time for another chase and Ronnie Lane’s only friend outside family is caught by Roger’s awesome one-liners…
Roger: Ahhh, we’ve been expecting you.
Include white cat and Roger is totally a Bond bad guy.
Back at the station we’ve got all the bad guys in one place, Max looks necessarily smug pleased about it and Neil isn’t happy that nothing seems to stick to Curtis Jensen. Could be because he’s such a greasy little…
Anyway, it’s interview time and our friend Alex Dilarge, the accomplice, beats Lewis as my favourite outside of Sun Hill character for this episode with his discussion of his past exploits with the ‘wacky tobaccy’ when he was a kid.
Alex: Just say no…
It’s good advice kids. Smoke pot and you’ll end up as an interchangeable bad guy extra on The Bill. Work on that smug jerk-off behaviour instead and one day you too could be a DS…
See, here at the Canley Change-rooms we’re all about career advice for the mislead generation…
DS Carter takes on his best form of attack: being facetious…
Max: Not got much in the way of form have you? Not exactly big league are you Alex? Well you weren’t I should say because now of course you’re really rubbing shoulders with the big boys… and for what? The kudos? Bragging down at the pub when I bet you can’t even afford to buy a round.
Meow! Was he always this much of a bitch and I just didn’t notice before?
Max gets his answers when Alex gives up like we all expected. Meanwhile Millie is sweet-talking a crying Jade into information. But Jade’s having none of her kindness or Will’s attempt at being hard. Oh yeah, he’s hardcore Will. Like a teddy bear. A teddy in a pink shirt…
And Jade cries.
Outside Max drinks his celebratory coffee and again shuts down Millie’s theories on Jade’s innocence. This is getting old now; either listen or bugger off Max because we all know she’s right.
As he stands there and glares Millie diagnoses his severe inferiority complex…
Millie: And it’s how big?
(Oh yeah, it’s tasteless, but I just couldn’t resist)
Eddie appears with the evidence we need: the only fingerprints belong to Ronnie Lane. Millie tries again with a ‘surely that rules out Jade’ and Max ignores her going back to his whispering. It’s okay Max, the doors are soundproof. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Jade and the others already know you’re a heartless jerk.
Will and Millie go after Palmer who sells out Ronnie and pretends he knows nothing. Sure gangsta gold chains, I believe you.
Millie gets her glare on…
(She should totally try that glare on Max, he’d lose out a glare-off then)
But Palmer is giving nothing away, pretending the burnt wraps were a wayward cigarette. Now, having tried to burn many things with cigarettes as a teen, I know that you have to actually drop it straight onto the product for it to catch alight. Flicking it away usually puts it out. So, my fat friend, I call you liar liar pants on fire. Or should that be NOT on fire? Hmmm…
In another interview room Max is having more luck with Ronnie Lane and a small pile of evidence. Ronnie looks on the verge of tears and still his totally hot voice is killing me. Sick of the run-around from Ronnie, Max pulls out his weapon of mass destruction, the look most likely to make any god-fearing woman (or weak-willed man) give up and confess the truth – I call it ‘DS Max Carter’s Brooding Glare of General Hotness™’
*flails and gives up under close-up of glare*
Alright, I admit, I did it – I stole the cookies from the cook-cookie jar
*weeps*
Damn he’s good.
It seems it works on Ronnie too who admits his drug-addicted wife got him in debt from an unnamed source. No, no prizes for guessing this one either. Max pulls out the photos from Ronnie’s house which it appears were surveillance of Jade to get Ronnie into the robbery. Oh no, that’s so sad. But Ronnie still ain’t giving anything away and we’ve run out of episode time… Looks like Jenson stays large for now.
Time for one final Max and Millie showdown…
Millie wants to discuss Jade’s chances of protection. Seems Max hasn’t considered Jade at all in this, not surprising, and Millie doesn’t seemed too shocked either.
I must admit, I freaking love this scene, especially where Max stops, pulls a face then walks back and starts his speech about his ongoing hate of the world. There’s this brief moment where Millie looks sideways and you can just see in her eyes that she’s thinking just one word: ‘tool’.
I second that but come on… he’s a hot tool! Like a blowtorch.
Party in Inspector Weston’s office and Neil and Rachel discuss the issues in the case and within the investigation team. They’ve noticed the Max vs. Millie showdown. According to Neil Max isn’t great at taking on other people’s opinions.
Yes, I think that is… UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MONTH
Congratulations Neil…
And Rachel thinks there’s something more going on. Yeah, something… I’ll just throw in PST and move on because Rachel’s gonna have a chat with Millie tomorrow. Oh I can’t wait for that conversation… but this is The Bill and a two-parter which means it ain’t gonna happen! And Rachel wisely points out that this place is more like a playground then a police station. See, now, having watched The Bill for a few years one could also call it a: brothel, fire trap, cemetery, church, wedding chapel, mental ward, dating agency and boxing ring. But let’s leave it at playground for now…
Back in custody Millie adopts her baby voice and is having none of Max’s shiny optimism, deciding to inform Jade she’s in trouble and then offers to give her a lift home and make tea. Ahhh the Metropolitan Police, our friendly local tea makers. She gives Jade her number and the offer that if anything spooks her Jade should call.
Anything?
Really?
You mean like those guys?
Enter bad guys with guns. Nice timing lads. Screaming occurs and tea is not consumed. Damn.
See now, if they drank more tea they’d be calmer and we wouldn’t have such an explosive ending…
And with that, I need a cuppa… Millie?
Next time on The Bill: Cockney guy is rude. Cockney guy waves gun. Millie considers yelling the best way to calm a situation and someone gets shot. Armed ‘pleece’ kick in doors and Max finds Millie’s bloody jacket. Oh noes…
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