It's been a big few weeks for the Changerooms with a change of scenery which will be revealed for the public very soon... lol
I talk up nothing.
Fact is, the Changerooms are moving to sierra-oscar.co.uk
In a covergence of like-minded fangirls... wait, no... appreciators. Yeah, that's the politically correct term I was looking for... anyway, in a convergence of like-minded appreciators, the Changerooms are moving onto a sierra-oscar subforum (to be revealed soon) and opening up to contributors within the site and out of it.
I'll still be updating the long reviews here, but why head to the subforum and join the site? Many reasons...
1. Access to the most comprehensive episode list, screen cap library and collection of insane fans you will ever find
2. Exclusive Weecaps (shortened caps), requests, reviews by fellow readers and Stale Sandwiches (reviews from episodes before 2002)
3. The ongoing joy of finding others who appreciate your collection of hand-made The Bill character dolls. No, you're not getting any love here you weirdos...
So head on over to sierra-oscar.co.uk and give me a buzz when you get there.
The new Changerooms open soon so keep your eyes peeled and start writing those reviews. There are just never enough 'oh Smithy, you kill me slowly' moments out there...
Till we meet again... lol
Your (favourite?) Admin,
. Kate
EDIT (10/9/09) Sub-forum is up and bursting. Visit www.sierra-oscar.co.uk/canley for more...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
There's nothing without the big final GRAB!
We’re back bitches with Smash and Grab, the two-parter more likely to cause eye-strain, alcoholism and neck pain from shaking one’s head at Max’s general rudeness to Millie. But I think us Mallie fans (I say ‘us’ in the hope I am not drastically alone) will be getting a reprieve this episode – surely he can’t be a bitch to her when she’s not even there!
PREVIOUSLY ON THE BILL: Toyshops got robbed. People were dodgy. Max was a bitch and Millie got taken hostage. Oh yes, I just love that in this series that’s pretty much mundane. Never get one where it goes ‘previously on The Bill’ and then a shot of the cast sitting around discussing mobile RBTs and granny losing her car keys. Maybe that’s just my neighbourhood…
Anywho, cue some sexy start music because it’s time for SMASH AND GRAB - PART 2. Let’s get this show on the road…
We meet our resident baddies for the day doing, well, you know baddie stuff like duct tape gags and tying to chairs. Where did they learn this – watching earlier episodes of this series I suspect. But, it seems, Bad Guy Number 1 (the ADD one) isn’t amused by having two captives. Oh the plight of the bad guy… long hours, too many hostages, stupid accents and then there’s having to deal with incompetent, in-fighting police. It’s no wonder they don’t have a union.
But, it’s okay, cos they came prepared with two chairs back-to-back in the centre of the room. Interesting… then again I won’t rain on their rather obvious (or maybe that’s ‘so subtle not even they noticed it’?) parade because at the moment my focus is on poor Millie who has just learnt that one of the best ways NOT to prove to a certain infuriating DS that you’re not an airhead is to get held captive. It just doesn’t scream ‘I’m brilliant’. In truth it screams ‘must not get abducted by two of the worst home designers in history’. Really, have they looked at this place? It looks like it was decorated by a blind man with no hands.
Jade doesn’t notice the interior design for she’s too focused on ‘my baby’ and Millie tells her in the nicest possible way to STFU. Seriously, if the guy with the gun says shut up, you shut up girlie. This leads to a sweet little introduction for Millie. It’s like a job interview.
“Hello my name is Bad Guy Number 2 and this is my pal Bad Guy Number 1. We’ll be your hosts for this hostage situation, is there anything you’d like?”
And my girl Millie gives it back with a ‘my boot-print on your face mother-‘. Oh no, that’s just in my head. I guess I’ll have to settle for a “My name’s Millie, I’m a friend, I was just visiting” with undertones of “my timing sucks, your breath smells and BTW my sarge will burst in here and bust your backside – as soon as he stops planning the next childish insult he can throw at me.”
Meanwhile, back at Jade’s place, the trusty neighbour has called 999. Ahhh, you can always count on the kindness of nosey neighbours. Roger and Sally investigate and Sally is revealed to forget names within hours. This can’t be good for future promotions. Roger finds baby Lewis, who is still the best actor in this place (and the most adorable), and Roger plays grandad.
Down in Sun Hill Ronnie Lane is awoken by a champagne breakfast – early morning Smithy. Who wouldn’t want to roll over and find that when you open your eyes? But Ronnie isn’t impressed, preferring sleep. Rachel’s having none of it, informing Ronnie that Jade’s gone AWOL with the baby in the cot. Ronnie’s worried and Rachel’s changed her tune. From waking Ronnie up at 4am to tell him Jade’s gone, to stating she’ll ‘turn up soon enough’. Nice back-flip Rache, but are you worried or not? Ronnie’s worried enough for two and tells them something is wrong. Very wrong.
He’s read the script…
By dawn the cavalry still haven’t arrived. Bad Guy Number 2 (the calm and actually not so bad-looking one) decides to remove the gags. He warns, however, that they shouldn’t do anything stupid. Like what? Kidnap a police officer? We can’t top that one for the day mate, so don’t worry about losing your ‘idiot move of the week’ mantle. Bad Guy Number 2 deems this civilised – sure, like dinner at grandmas – and Bad Guy Number 1 has a spaz-attack. He wants more money and less birds. Well, while we’re making a list of things we want: Jade will have freedom and her son, Millie will take a heroic rescue by a certain hot DS, and I’ll take baby Lewis for ‘most well-rounded extra in this episode’. He’s a baby, but he’s totally beating Cockney bad guy and not-so-Cockney bad guy. Alas, we can’t always get what we want my friend. Try next time.
Jade has her brilliant idea of the day (though I sense more coming from the chav-wonder) and tells Millie to inform them she’s a cop. Yeah, that never ends badly. Jade’s secretly wondering how much she’s worth. I put in a silent bid of £60, but I’m being generous cos I hope she comes with a free baby, and Bad Guy Number 1 is having none of this and waves his gun. He feels like a big man!
Back at Sun Hill it’s early morning and Rache is wondering where Millie and Ben are. Sally is silently betting on secret hook-ups and Neil is apologising for waking up CID. Nothing for uniform? They need their beauty sleep too you know.
The team get a briefing on our missing mother and the focus seems to be on Kezia for this episode. It could be because her jacket has shrunk in the wash and she should be worried about her kidneys. That will certainly not keep them warm! That said, I’m slightly pre-occupied by Max’s new get-up. Is that a new shirt DS Carter? Either he’s sprucing up to try and sweep Millie off her feet or my taunting last post got to him. I claim a little victory and move on…
Now, according to the iTV Press Release, this is the part where the team are worried about the safety of Jade. Yeah, I can totally see that.
Look at the worry on that face.
If this is his ‘worried’ face I’d hate to see his ‘terrified’ face…
So, Max takes out his general contempt for the world on the whiteboard and then continues that glare for about five scenes. I swear, if I could ask Christopher Fox anything it would be if he’s genuinely worried about frown lines later in life caused by playing Max. Really, try holding those glares for longer than five minutes. Your face tenses up. I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek doing it. Ow.
Max’s first line tells us that over the last few hours he hasn’t changed the record and deems Jade’s disappearance and Ronnie’s worry as all an act. Yeah, and the baby left in the cot with the back door burst open? An act. All her stuff left behind and evidence of a struggle? All an act. Max’s credibility as a source of unbiased views on the community around him… you know that’s an act!
But it’s okay, it’s just an option. Really he thinks Jade was taken so Ronnie would stay silent. Now, I like this theory better. Thank you Max, good to see it wasn’t just the fashion advice you listened to. And we’re back to Jensen. I love that no one’s cleared the whiteboard since yesterday’s investigations. Kudos to the lazy people who never clean up and hey… Ben appears. Neil takes up Max’s job as Jade-hater by stating Jade’s just ‘had too many shandies and gone off the rails for the night’. We’ve all been there haven’t we Neil? Haven’t we? Yeah, he knows what I’m taking about. When it’s not the shandy it’s the Breezers. Orange flavour! And Max looks worried for the first time.
Either that or he has heartburn…
Eddie attacks Jade’s kitchen, finding two size 12 footprints. Eddie is revealed as liking the big women (figures) and then two more print sets are found. Two women were here too. Roger looks confused but the dramatic irony is not lost on me as I scream at the screen ‘it’s Millie’ before realising that A: they can’t hear me, B: this isn’t real and C: the neighbours think I’m going mad. They’ve probably got a point so let’s head back to Sun Hill.
Rachel still can’t find her ‘absent friend’ and Ben thinks she’s out getting lucky. Rachel wants to kill her, but too bad for her some token Cockney bad guys may get there first. Eddie finds Millie’s phone in a pot plant and Rachel looks worried. Yes… Jade Hopkins’ house! Oh noes!
We get our new showdown for the episode as Millie isn’t here to fight, so Roger takes over and launches an attack on Max.
Max: What was Millie doing there [Jade’s place]?
Roger: She was worried about Jade. She did tell you sarge and she was right. Looks like Jade needed the protection Millie asked you for after all.
The crowd, lead by Inspector Weston, watch on, silently chanting ‘go Roger, give him a serve’
Max: Millie was getting too involved. I knew it would affect her professional judgement and look, I was right. She shouldn’t’ve been there Roger.
Roger: She knew Jade was in danger and wanted to reassure her. Some coppers are like that. She was doing her job.
Neil intervenes before somebody (Max) gets punched. Rachel states Millie isn’t one to think outside the box and I wonder if this is ‘pick on Millie’ episode and no one told Roger. Leave my girl alone, she’s awesome times 1000.
*knucklethumps Roger*
Go Team Millie Rules.
Max continues as if brawling with uniform is par for the course (if you judge by recent episodes it seems that it is) and informs the team Curtis Jenson, the slippery son of a gun, is the bad guy’s banker, bank-rolling every dodgy deal in Canley. He’s quickly becoming as disliked as Camilla Parker-Bowles. And just as ugly.
Max knows Jenson won’t have Millie and Jade at any of his places and I concur. Surely Jensen would design a better place than whatever craphole the girls are in, and Max believes him too smart for that. There’s a flicker of ‘but I’m smarter’ which he feels goes unsaid and then Rachel sends Ben and Sally undercover. Sweet, paid to hang out. She surely won’t get bored on this one! Max wants Ronnie again then decides to inform Roger they’ll get Millie back. Roger tells him ‘we better’ with undertones of ‘or I will punch you’ and a final dramatic close-up of Millie’s picture. Funny, was that always there? Didn’t we only realise like ten minutes ago that she was ‘missing’? They’re quick here with the missing posters.
Ronnie with the sexy voice gets the old Carter almost-Italian treatment. Is it just me or when he gets angry does he do a scary-good Mafia boss impersonation? Y/N? Maybe it’s just me. Max goes back to the photos, which we already covered, and forces Ronnie to start almost crying again. I still love him and his awesome voice…
Back in the blind man’s flat, Bad Guy Number 1 is getting antsy. He hasn’t had any calls and decides flopping about like a fish out of water will get the problem solved. Millie decides to tell them they won’t be any trouble and Bad Guy Number 1 is revealed to be a druggie. Great, as if his Cockney-ness and ADD weren’t damage enough. Millie’s suitably worried but as Bad Guy Number 1 buggers off to score with a big pile of cash (so that’s how much Jade is worth!) she bargains for names and water. Ewww, druggie water. I’d rather dehydrate.
As I revel in my snobiness, Jade looks peeved as heck and Bad Guy Number 2 decides on the softly-softly ‘I ain’t an animal, I just kidnap people’ approach. Sure. In his down time he pets puppies at the pound, delivers Meals on Wheels and teaches impoverished children maths – spare me! Millie gives him a smile, he looks confused and I’m tempted to sing the old primary school favourite…
‘Never smile at a crocodile no you can’t get friendly with a crocodile. Don’t be taken in by his welcome grin. He’s imagining how well you’d fit within his skin…’
The moral of the story? Don’t mess with my girl Millie:
Down at the station, Max and Roger bring in Jeff Hopkins to give him a hard time. Mr. Attitude has lost his cockiness under worry for Jade. Wow, Max and Jeff have more in common than they first thought. Jeff blames Max for any issues with Jade being hurt and I hand him the list of people who currently want to hurt Max Carter. Add yourself to the list mate, I think there’s a spot right there under Roger and myself. No queue jumping because Millie gets first dibs.
Sally and Ben are happy snapping down at the Piazza del Jenson, and Sally informs Ben if Jensen hurts Millie she’ll fry him on a sunbed. Oooh, now THAT sounds like an interesting storyline! Sally defends Millie *knucklethump* and Ben blames Max. Wow, he’s going to get so many Christmas cards this year.
Millie’s detective work starts when she plays ‘name and define the kidnappers’. She names Bad Guy Number 2 the eldest and we learn Bad Guy Number 1 has a real name: Si. Well, that’s very anti-climatic. Can I just keep calling him Bad Guy Number 1 please? Millie gives us a glimpse of her family tree (one younger sister) and states she always wanted an older brother to beat up the bullies. As an older sister myself, I can relate to wanting an older sibling, but I used to beat up the bullies for myself and my younger brother so Mills, direct me to your bullies, I’ll get them for you.
She can handle Bad Guy Number 2 herself, talking him around with accusations of being a druggie too then bargaining a momentary release. Bad Guy Number 2 relents and she’s free! For about 40 seconds and then Bad Guy Number 1 comes home. Cute scene where she’s tied back up again and I’m starting to suspect Bad Guy Number 2 has a bit of a crush on Millie.
Oh man this girl can attract them – the twisted kidnapper and the emotionally crippled DS. She’s like a magnet for damaged goods.
Kezia has her breakthrough moment when she figures Mr. Till has a bigger part in all this than we first thought. By we I mean them, I always knew he was suss and it wasn’t just because he’s such an awful actor. At the hospital Mrs. Till stands around and acts like a bitch then utters something that gets me. Hold it, pause that… does she know Ronnie Lane? Hmm, seemingly Mr. Suss has a Mrs. Suss too. And the good news is: he’s nicked!
Down it Piazza del Jenson, Jeff Hopkins is agro and threatens Jenson with a knife. Ben and Sally blow their cover and Jenson looks even more smarmy than usual. He just drips of awesome.
Ben and Sally head to CID with a ransom note. Apparently Jade is worth £70,000. Wait a minute, isn’t that the amount missing from the toyshop robbery? Max and Neil don’t link it, but they do realise Jenson would never send a note to Ronnie Lane. He’s more of an SMS bloke. And Will and Kezia turn up to inform the crew they have Lawrence. Max still wants Jenson’s guts for garter and we’re all starting to realise that if Max is this obsessed he must be wrong. Still, Jenson is so much fun no one minds. And he brings out the best in Max…
Jenson: Now I know you don’t have a very high opinion of me sergeant…
Max: True
Jenson escapes scot-free and down at the old schoolyard, while listening to their drug music, Si gets a call. The deals off. Si gives a dramatic outburst just perfect for a ‘next time on The Bill’… oh wait, I think it was, and Jade panics. Millie holds out hope her Bad Boy crush will save her. See, sweet-talking works. How’s that for thinking outside the box Inspector?
In the midst of Si’s ‘they can ID us’ rant, Mille reveals she knows their names. Oh great, that’ll help. But it seems they are dumb enough to buy the ‘we won’t tell anyone’ spin. The things a pretty face can get away with.
Speaking of a pretty face – down at Sun Hill Max has a moment with Millie’s picture (awww… he feels guilty) and Jenson’s got a rock-solid alibi. Max is having none of this evidence hogswallop and wants to search Jenson’s residence. Evidence, laws, pfft… get out of his way because this is DS Carter bitch and he does what he wants!
Rolling in another of those dodgy white transit vans, Cockney geezer Bad Guy Number 1 has ‘consulted with his brother’ and decided to release Millie and Jade ‘back into the wild’. Fantastic. Who wrote this bloke’s script? The world’s unfunniest Cockney send-up comedian? I’m awaiting a ‘not my ‘at ‘e chewed’ joke. He’s a walking, talking, kidnapping stereotype.
The brother interprets (because thankfully he didn’t get Number 1’s idiot accent): you’re going home. Oh good, well, that’s the end of the episode then and there’s no heroic rescue f…
I speaketh too soon…
As they near Jade’s place they are spotted by Roger who seems to have come to the conclusion also that fast-moving white transit vans spell dodgy behaviour in Sun Hill. He calls in a PNC check and guess who the van belongs to? It’s the Toying Around Toyshop. Neil reminds us that it’s where the robbery took place just in case we’ve already forgotten because we’re so preoccupied by white vans, Cockney geezers and Max being so unbelievably WRONG! Max finally understands the ransom. Woo, I would beat Max Carter at a game of Clue. I got the clues first. Course he’d just pull out the cards at the end of the game, say they’re wrong and proceed to inform us that while the evidence says Mrs. Peacock with a candlestick in the study, it was most definitely Curtis Jenson, in the victim’s house with a toyshop owner. He’d be no fun to play board games with.
Will and Max go after Lawrence Till, using the front stairs so they have a reason to cross Mrs. Till who doesn’t seem happy Lawrence is going down for the toyshop robbery. She worked hard to plan this, where’s her arrest? Yeah, I still think she’s in this, and not just because she’s walking about with airs and graces we keep reserved for tools like Carter.
Max is particularly animated in the interview and at the mention of the kidnapping, which Lawrence flatly denies, gets very upset. He wants his Millie back NOW and damn baldy, he’ll take you down with him if he can’t. His anger comes with a threat that makes Lawrence crap himself and my inner Mallie start dancing like it’s New Years Eve:
Max: If anything happens to her I will make it my personal business to make sure that you go down and you never come back out.
Squee!
The team come to a dead end but are saved by Roger and his outstanding awesomeness. Looks like he’s found Mick and Si. Max decides to tell the bad guys Millie is a copper. Oh no, this isn’t going to work.
Jenson isn’t pleased to see Max again, stating three times in one day is really boring. Hmm, see, one should be so lucky. Max Carter turns up on my doorstep I say ‘sure thing gorgeous, I’m dealing drugs, want to check the bedroom’?
*snicker*
Max wants a heart-to-heart with Jenson, threatening him with a copper-invasion every day of the week. Sun Hill’s finest? In my café? Jenson looks peeved and decides to play ball. Seems Mick and Si are on his ‘mailing list’ and he hands over an address.
Back at the blind man’s designer paradise, Si has missed his medication and a moment of madness ends with Jade being shot. Poor Jade, this really isn’t her day. This is the last time Lewis gets a toy from a toyshop. Hope he likes the ones he’s got.
Si finds Millie’s warrant card that was lost in the fray, and Mick looks very displeased. There goes his chances of her visiting him as an inmate’s ‘girl on the outside’. He looks suitably heartbroken.
Team Save Millie are on their way to the flat and we can all safely assume this domestic has moved on, but this does give ‘armed pleece’ an excuse to bust in some doors so lets not deny them their fun. Will and Max head in to look for some clues, and we find Millie’s jacket… and blood!
Yes, that there be Max Carter’s ‘oh shit’ face.
Back in the white transit van Jade bleeds, Millie cries and Si is Cockney. After a good shooting all characters converge back into their single dimensions seemingly. Si wants to dump their bodies in some wastelands, morbid! But Mick is reasonable – they’ll just skip the country. Well, neither of those options could possibly end badly. But for now our issue is bleeding mother and crying PC in the back so please guys, can we get our dodgy white van down to St Hugh’s first?
Millie makes a desperate plea: pull up at St Hugh’s and drop Jade off. ‘If it looks like I’m going to do a runner you’ve got nothing to lose; shoot me.’
She’s so awesome…
As Jade bleeds in a new place, Millie directs her kidnappers to Durrell Street car park. Take note peeps, this will be important.
Back at the station Neil states the blood loss found indicates a substantial wound. And they just left Jade on a bench? Geez, that’s nice. Will links the bloody jacket to Millie and Max pretends he isn’t struggling to comprehend the idea it was Millie who was shot, even though he’s noticeably distressed by it. Awww, Max cares. I mean about someone other than himself. This is a momentous occasion.
Roger comes with good news: the injured woman is Jade. CCTV shows Millie and the boys dropping her off and she’s now in surgery. Bad news for Max: Millie’s still with the men.
Now, this is where I pause for a moment to revel in Max’s appearance. Just hold on a second whilst I lose my shit over this ‘just rolled out of bed’ hair…
I’m fighting it, but I just have to say it… your bed or mine?
*is dead*
Now, back to the case. Rachel is off to track our dodgy van and Roger tells Max not to worry because she’ll be okay. Max’s attention drawn to the picture on the whiteboard, he informs Roger that she’s a good copper. Roger says he was talking about Jade.
Awkward…
Down at the car park, as Si searches locked cars for a way in, Millie and Mick have a heart-to-heart and Mick reveals ‘she’ organised it. Hold it… she? Oh yeah, I so had this from the start.
Now, what I love most is the revelation that kidnappers don’t like you to get cold. See, they’ll abduct you, give you a hard time, shoot people, drag you around by your hair but they will NOT, I repeat NOT, let you go out without a jacket. It’s like a psycho combined with your mother.
Rachel’s found the white van and Millie finally gets some congratulations from Max when he realises she’s lead them to Durrell St because it backs on to a government building. Good news and bad news awaits: the car park is patrolled. Yay! The private security firm are preoccupied by something menial. Boo. Durrell St car park is to kidnappers what Holsworthy army base is for terrorist Somalians: too bloody easy to get into. Thanks private security firms!
*salutes*
Millie manages to commandeer a fancy new Range Rover with her warrant card and whispers something to the driver. My hopes are that it’s ‘tell DS Carter he’s wrong, and a jerk’. Roger informs CID of the stolen car and again they’re too late to make a difference, but it seems Millie’s message was suitably cryptic. ‘She’s their cousin, she’s behind it’. Will gets it (he is so the king of the cryptic crossword) and picks it’s Liv aka Mrs. Suss. Oh yeah, go Will. There’s just one problem: she’s scarpered and you lot need to stop wasting time down there when you should be off saving Millie from impending Cockney-geezer-inspired doom. Yes Max, that means you.
There’s a good boy.
In the IBO, Sally has tracked Mick and Si’s fancy new Range Rover. It seems Millie is taking them to a dead end. Another point for Team Millie Rules. This ends now…
Back in the new Range Rover, Si spots Armed Response tailing them (so subtly too) and informs Millie he knew he couldn’t trust her. He just figured this out now? Wow, he’s smart-smart in the brain-brain. Dumbass, she’s a copper, of course she was double-crossing you.
As the flashing lights appear, Si gets very antsy and drives them into a dead end. Getting out of the car, Millie gets her hair pulled and Mick gets a smack in the head and falls over. Oh the brotherly love.
As armed police tell Si to put the gun down, Millie tries again to reason with him. It seems her hand gestures are working as Si lowers the gun (or it could be armed response, uniform and Max’s ‘Let my girl go mother…’ glare) and Will rushes in for the kudos. Dude he better not be taking credit for this arrest. Roger comes in to help keep Millie from collapsing and then Max joins for a tasteful ‘are you okay?’ Yeah, she’s great; look at her and her bubbly persona… WTF Carter are you blind!?! She’s clearly wrecked. That said, not wrecked enough to deny him down a ‘you were wrong’ smack in the face disguised as an assurance of Curtis Jenson’s innocence. Max gives a nod and a metaphorical pat on the back in the form Max Carter employs best: walking away.
And a little part of me dies…
Back at the station Millie is returned safe and sound and even gets a hug from Sally. Max turns his particularly smug expression caused by a job well done on Mrs. Till. The men still seem surprised she’s behind this, but every woman knows that the brains in any relationship is the Mrs. Too bad this relationship took on the combined power of Mallie, the perfect mix of sweet and smug.
The smug goes however for our final scene as Max congratulates Millie and states he always knew she’d do well. Yeah, I don’t buy it Max and neither does she, calling him a liar, but it’s a Max compliment and they’re so few and far between she should take what she can get.
Now that Max has revealed his human side, he goes one-step further offering Millie a chance to discuss what happened. Gee Max, I can’t be certain but are you asking Millie out for a drink?
Seriously though, DnM with DS Carter? Who are you and what have you done with the real Max?
Millie’s fine though and despite the rather tempting offer, it seems her crush has worn off and she decides to head home instead. Plus, her walk off at the end leaves us with Max’s most adorable expression yet…
This really isn’t helping my Mallie addiction…
PREVIOUSLY ON THE BILL: Toyshops got robbed. People were dodgy. Max was a bitch and Millie got taken hostage. Oh yes, I just love that in this series that’s pretty much mundane. Never get one where it goes ‘previously on The Bill’ and then a shot of the cast sitting around discussing mobile RBTs and granny losing her car keys. Maybe that’s just my neighbourhood…
Anywho, cue some sexy start music because it’s time for SMASH AND GRAB - PART 2. Let’s get this show on the road…
We meet our resident baddies for the day doing, well, you know baddie stuff like duct tape gags and tying to chairs. Where did they learn this – watching earlier episodes of this series I suspect. But, it seems, Bad Guy Number 1 (the ADD one) isn’t amused by having two captives. Oh the plight of the bad guy… long hours, too many hostages, stupid accents and then there’s having to deal with incompetent, in-fighting police. It’s no wonder they don’t have a union.
But, it’s okay, cos they came prepared with two chairs back-to-back in the centre of the room. Interesting… then again I won’t rain on their rather obvious (or maybe that’s ‘so subtle not even they noticed it’?) parade because at the moment my focus is on poor Millie who has just learnt that one of the best ways NOT to prove to a certain infuriating DS that you’re not an airhead is to get held captive. It just doesn’t scream ‘I’m brilliant’. In truth it screams ‘must not get abducted by two of the worst home designers in history’. Really, have they looked at this place? It looks like it was decorated by a blind man with no hands.
Jade doesn’t notice the interior design for she’s too focused on ‘my baby’ and Millie tells her in the nicest possible way to STFU. Seriously, if the guy with the gun says shut up, you shut up girlie. This leads to a sweet little introduction for Millie. It’s like a job interview.
“Hello my name is Bad Guy Number 2 and this is my pal Bad Guy Number 1. We’ll be your hosts for this hostage situation, is there anything you’d like?”
And my girl Millie gives it back with a ‘my boot-print on your face mother-‘. Oh no, that’s just in my head. I guess I’ll have to settle for a “My name’s Millie, I’m a friend, I was just visiting” with undertones of “my timing sucks, your breath smells and BTW my sarge will burst in here and bust your backside – as soon as he stops planning the next childish insult he can throw at me.”
Meanwhile, back at Jade’s place, the trusty neighbour has called 999. Ahhh, you can always count on the kindness of nosey neighbours. Roger and Sally investigate and Sally is revealed to forget names within hours. This can’t be good for future promotions. Roger finds baby Lewis, who is still the best actor in this place (and the most adorable), and Roger plays grandad.
Down in Sun Hill Ronnie Lane is awoken by a champagne breakfast – early morning Smithy. Who wouldn’t want to roll over and find that when you open your eyes? But Ronnie isn’t impressed, preferring sleep. Rachel’s having none of it, informing Ronnie that Jade’s gone AWOL with the baby in the cot. Ronnie’s worried and Rachel’s changed her tune. From waking Ronnie up at 4am to tell him Jade’s gone, to stating she’ll ‘turn up soon enough’. Nice back-flip Rache, but are you worried or not? Ronnie’s worried enough for two and tells them something is wrong. Very wrong.
He’s read the script…
By dawn the cavalry still haven’t arrived. Bad Guy Number 2 (the calm and actually not so bad-looking one) decides to remove the gags. He warns, however, that they shouldn’t do anything stupid. Like what? Kidnap a police officer? We can’t top that one for the day mate, so don’t worry about losing your ‘idiot move of the week’ mantle. Bad Guy Number 2 deems this civilised – sure, like dinner at grandmas – and Bad Guy Number 1 has a spaz-attack. He wants more money and less birds. Well, while we’re making a list of things we want: Jade will have freedom and her son, Millie will take a heroic rescue by a certain hot DS, and I’ll take baby Lewis for ‘most well-rounded extra in this episode’. He’s a baby, but he’s totally beating Cockney bad guy and not-so-Cockney bad guy. Alas, we can’t always get what we want my friend. Try next time.
Jade has her brilliant idea of the day (though I sense more coming from the chav-wonder) and tells Millie to inform them she’s a cop. Yeah, that never ends badly. Jade’s secretly wondering how much she’s worth. I put in a silent bid of £60, but I’m being generous cos I hope she comes with a free baby, and Bad Guy Number 1 is having none of this and waves his gun. He feels like a big man!
Back at Sun Hill it’s early morning and Rache is wondering where Millie and Ben are. Sally is silently betting on secret hook-ups and Neil is apologising for waking up CID. Nothing for uniform? They need their beauty sleep too you know.
The team get a briefing on our missing mother and the focus seems to be on Kezia for this episode. It could be because her jacket has shrunk in the wash and she should be worried about her kidneys. That will certainly not keep them warm! That said, I’m slightly pre-occupied by Max’s new get-up. Is that a new shirt DS Carter? Either he’s sprucing up to try and sweep Millie off her feet or my taunting last post got to him. I claim a little victory and move on…
Now, according to the iTV Press Release, this is the part where the team are worried about the safety of Jade. Yeah, I can totally see that.
Look at the worry on that face.
If this is his ‘worried’ face I’d hate to see his ‘terrified’ face…
So, Max takes out his general contempt for the world on the whiteboard and then continues that glare for about five scenes. I swear, if I could ask Christopher Fox anything it would be if he’s genuinely worried about frown lines later in life caused by playing Max. Really, try holding those glares for longer than five minutes. Your face tenses up. I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek doing it. Ow.
Max’s first line tells us that over the last few hours he hasn’t changed the record and deems Jade’s disappearance and Ronnie’s worry as all an act. Yeah, and the baby left in the cot with the back door burst open? An act. All her stuff left behind and evidence of a struggle? All an act. Max’s credibility as a source of unbiased views on the community around him… you know that’s an act!
But it’s okay, it’s just an option. Really he thinks Jade was taken so Ronnie would stay silent. Now, I like this theory better. Thank you Max, good to see it wasn’t just the fashion advice you listened to. And we’re back to Jensen. I love that no one’s cleared the whiteboard since yesterday’s investigations. Kudos to the lazy people who never clean up and hey… Ben appears. Neil takes up Max’s job as Jade-hater by stating Jade’s just ‘had too many shandies and gone off the rails for the night’. We’ve all been there haven’t we Neil? Haven’t we? Yeah, he knows what I’m taking about. When it’s not the shandy it’s the Breezers. Orange flavour! And Max looks worried for the first time.
Either that or he has heartburn…
Eddie attacks Jade’s kitchen, finding two size 12 footprints. Eddie is revealed as liking the big women (figures) and then two more print sets are found. Two women were here too. Roger looks confused but the dramatic irony is not lost on me as I scream at the screen ‘it’s Millie’ before realising that A: they can’t hear me, B: this isn’t real and C: the neighbours think I’m going mad. They’ve probably got a point so let’s head back to Sun Hill.
Rachel still can’t find her ‘absent friend’ and Ben thinks she’s out getting lucky. Rachel wants to kill her, but too bad for her some token Cockney bad guys may get there first. Eddie finds Millie’s phone in a pot plant and Rachel looks worried. Yes… Jade Hopkins’ house! Oh noes!
We get our new showdown for the episode as Millie isn’t here to fight, so Roger takes over and launches an attack on Max.
Max: What was Millie doing there [Jade’s place]?
Roger: She was worried about Jade. She did tell you sarge and she was right. Looks like Jade needed the protection Millie asked you for after all.
The crowd, lead by Inspector Weston, watch on, silently chanting ‘go Roger, give him a serve’
Max: Millie was getting too involved. I knew it would affect her professional judgement and look, I was right. She shouldn’t’ve been there Roger.
Roger: She knew Jade was in danger and wanted to reassure her. Some coppers are like that. She was doing her job.
Neil intervenes before somebody (Max) gets punched. Rachel states Millie isn’t one to think outside the box and I wonder if this is ‘pick on Millie’ episode and no one told Roger. Leave my girl alone, she’s awesome times 1000.
*knucklethumps Roger*
Go Team Millie Rules.
Max continues as if brawling with uniform is par for the course (if you judge by recent episodes it seems that it is) and informs the team Curtis Jenson, the slippery son of a gun, is the bad guy’s banker, bank-rolling every dodgy deal in Canley. He’s quickly becoming as disliked as Camilla Parker-Bowles. And just as ugly.
Max knows Jenson won’t have Millie and Jade at any of his places and I concur. Surely Jensen would design a better place than whatever craphole the girls are in, and Max believes him too smart for that. There’s a flicker of ‘but I’m smarter’ which he feels goes unsaid and then Rachel sends Ben and Sally undercover. Sweet, paid to hang out. She surely won’t get bored on this one! Max wants Ronnie again then decides to inform Roger they’ll get Millie back. Roger tells him ‘we better’ with undertones of ‘or I will punch you’ and a final dramatic close-up of Millie’s picture. Funny, was that always there? Didn’t we only realise like ten minutes ago that she was ‘missing’? They’re quick here with the missing posters.
Ronnie with the sexy voice gets the old Carter almost-Italian treatment. Is it just me or when he gets angry does he do a scary-good Mafia boss impersonation? Y/N? Maybe it’s just me. Max goes back to the photos, which we already covered, and forces Ronnie to start almost crying again. I still love him and his awesome voice…
Back in the blind man’s flat, Bad Guy Number 1 is getting antsy. He hasn’t had any calls and decides flopping about like a fish out of water will get the problem solved. Millie decides to tell them they won’t be any trouble and Bad Guy Number 1 is revealed to be a druggie. Great, as if his Cockney-ness and ADD weren’t damage enough. Millie’s suitably worried but as Bad Guy Number 1 buggers off to score with a big pile of cash (so that’s how much Jade is worth!) she bargains for names and water. Ewww, druggie water. I’d rather dehydrate.
As I revel in my snobiness, Jade looks peeved as heck and Bad Guy Number 2 decides on the softly-softly ‘I ain’t an animal, I just kidnap people’ approach. Sure. In his down time he pets puppies at the pound, delivers Meals on Wheels and teaches impoverished children maths – spare me! Millie gives him a smile, he looks confused and I’m tempted to sing the old primary school favourite…
‘Never smile at a crocodile no you can’t get friendly with a crocodile. Don’t be taken in by his welcome grin. He’s imagining how well you’d fit within his skin…’
The moral of the story? Don’t mess with my girl Millie:
Down at the station, Max and Roger bring in Jeff Hopkins to give him a hard time. Mr. Attitude has lost his cockiness under worry for Jade. Wow, Max and Jeff have more in common than they first thought. Jeff blames Max for any issues with Jade being hurt and I hand him the list of people who currently want to hurt Max Carter. Add yourself to the list mate, I think there’s a spot right there under Roger and myself. No queue jumping because Millie gets first dibs.
Sally and Ben are happy snapping down at the Piazza del Jenson, and Sally informs Ben if Jensen hurts Millie she’ll fry him on a sunbed. Oooh, now THAT sounds like an interesting storyline! Sally defends Millie *knucklethump* and Ben blames Max. Wow, he’s going to get so many Christmas cards this year.
Millie’s detective work starts when she plays ‘name and define the kidnappers’. She names Bad Guy Number 2 the eldest and we learn Bad Guy Number 1 has a real name: Si. Well, that’s very anti-climatic. Can I just keep calling him Bad Guy Number 1 please? Millie gives us a glimpse of her family tree (one younger sister) and states she always wanted an older brother to beat up the bullies. As an older sister myself, I can relate to wanting an older sibling, but I used to beat up the bullies for myself and my younger brother so Mills, direct me to your bullies, I’ll get them for you.
She can handle Bad Guy Number 2 herself, talking him around with accusations of being a druggie too then bargaining a momentary release. Bad Guy Number 2 relents and she’s free! For about 40 seconds and then Bad Guy Number 1 comes home. Cute scene where she’s tied back up again and I’m starting to suspect Bad Guy Number 2 has a bit of a crush on Millie.
Oh man this girl can attract them – the twisted kidnapper and the emotionally crippled DS. She’s like a magnet for damaged goods.
Kezia has her breakthrough moment when she figures Mr. Till has a bigger part in all this than we first thought. By we I mean them, I always knew he was suss and it wasn’t just because he’s such an awful actor. At the hospital Mrs. Till stands around and acts like a bitch then utters something that gets me. Hold it, pause that… does she know Ronnie Lane? Hmm, seemingly Mr. Suss has a Mrs. Suss too. And the good news is: he’s nicked!
Down it Piazza del Jenson, Jeff Hopkins is agro and threatens Jenson with a knife. Ben and Sally blow their cover and Jenson looks even more smarmy than usual. He just drips of awesome.
Ben and Sally head to CID with a ransom note. Apparently Jade is worth £70,000. Wait a minute, isn’t that the amount missing from the toyshop robbery? Max and Neil don’t link it, but they do realise Jenson would never send a note to Ronnie Lane. He’s more of an SMS bloke. And Will and Kezia turn up to inform the crew they have Lawrence. Max still wants Jenson’s guts for garter and we’re all starting to realise that if Max is this obsessed he must be wrong. Still, Jenson is so much fun no one minds. And he brings out the best in Max…
Jenson: Now I know you don’t have a very high opinion of me sergeant…
Max: True
Jenson escapes scot-free and down at the old schoolyard, while listening to their drug music, Si gets a call. The deals off. Si gives a dramatic outburst just perfect for a ‘next time on The Bill’… oh wait, I think it was, and Jade panics. Millie holds out hope her Bad Boy crush will save her. See, sweet-talking works. How’s that for thinking outside the box Inspector?
In the midst of Si’s ‘they can ID us’ rant, Mille reveals she knows their names. Oh great, that’ll help. But it seems they are dumb enough to buy the ‘we won’t tell anyone’ spin. The things a pretty face can get away with.
Speaking of a pretty face – down at Sun Hill Max has a moment with Millie’s picture (awww… he feels guilty) and Jenson’s got a rock-solid alibi. Max is having none of this evidence hogswallop and wants to search Jenson’s residence. Evidence, laws, pfft… get out of his way because this is DS Carter bitch and he does what he wants!
Rolling in another of those dodgy white transit vans, Cockney geezer Bad Guy Number 1 has ‘consulted with his brother’ and decided to release Millie and Jade ‘back into the wild’. Fantastic. Who wrote this bloke’s script? The world’s unfunniest Cockney send-up comedian? I’m awaiting a ‘not my ‘at ‘e chewed’ joke. He’s a walking, talking, kidnapping stereotype.
The brother interprets (because thankfully he didn’t get Number 1’s idiot accent): you’re going home. Oh good, well, that’s the end of the episode then and there’s no heroic rescue f…
I speaketh too soon…
As they near Jade’s place they are spotted by Roger who seems to have come to the conclusion also that fast-moving white transit vans spell dodgy behaviour in Sun Hill. He calls in a PNC check and guess who the van belongs to? It’s the Toying Around Toyshop. Neil reminds us that it’s where the robbery took place just in case we’ve already forgotten because we’re so preoccupied by white vans, Cockney geezers and Max being so unbelievably WRONG! Max finally understands the ransom. Woo, I would beat Max Carter at a game of Clue. I got the clues first. Course he’d just pull out the cards at the end of the game, say they’re wrong and proceed to inform us that while the evidence says Mrs. Peacock with a candlestick in the study, it was most definitely Curtis Jenson, in the victim’s house with a toyshop owner. He’d be no fun to play board games with.
Will and Max go after Lawrence Till, using the front stairs so they have a reason to cross Mrs. Till who doesn’t seem happy Lawrence is going down for the toyshop robbery. She worked hard to plan this, where’s her arrest? Yeah, I still think she’s in this, and not just because she’s walking about with airs and graces we keep reserved for tools like Carter.
Max is particularly animated in the interview and at the mention of the kidnapping, which Lawrence flatly denies, gets very upset. He wants his Millie back NOW and damn baldy, he’ll take you down with him if he can’t. His anger comes with a threat that makes Lawrence crap himself and my inner Mallie start dancing like it’s New Years Eve:
Max: If anything happens to her I will make it my personal business to make sure that you go down and you never come back out.
Squee!
The team come to a dead end but are saved by Roger and his outstanding awesomeness. Looks like he’s found Mick and Si. Max decides to tell the bad guys Millie is a copper. Oh no, this isn’t going to work.
Jenson isn’t pleased to see Max again, stating three times in one day is really boring. Hmm, see, one should be so lucky. Max Carter turns up on my doorstep I say ‘sure thing gorgeous, I’m dealing drugs, want to check the bedroom’?
*snicker*
Max wants a heart-to-heart with Jenson, threatening him with a copper-invasion every day of the week. Sun Hill’s finest? In my café? Jenson looks peeved and decides to play ball. Seems Mick and Si are on his ‘mailing list’ and he hands over an address.
Back at the blind man’s designer paradise, Si has missed his medication and a moment of madness ends with Jade being shot. Poor Jade, this really isn’t her day. This is the last time Lewis gets a toy from a toyshop. Hope he likes the ones he’s got.
Si finds Millie’s warrant card that was lost in the fray, and Mick looks very displeased. There goes his chances of her visiting him as an inmate’s ‘girl on the outside’. He looks suitably heartbroken.
Team Save Millie are on their way to the flat and we can all safely assume this domestic has moved on, but this does give ‘armed pleece’ an excuse to bust in some doors so lets not deny them their fun. Will and Max head in to look for some clues, and we find Millie’s jacket… and blood!
Yes, that there be Max Carter’s ‘oh shit’ face.
Back in the white transit van Jade bleeds, Millie cries and Si is Cockney. After a good shooting all characters converge back into their single dimensions seemingly. Si wants to dump their bodies in some wastelands, morbid! But Mick is reasonable – they’ll just skip the country. Well, neither of those options could possibly end badly. But for now our issue is bleeding mother and crying PC in the back so please guys, can we get our dodgy white van down to St Hugh’s first?
Millie makes a desperate plea: pull up at St Hugh’s and drop Jade off. ‘If it looks like I’m going to do a runner you’ve got nothing to lose; shoot me.’
She’s so awesome…
As Jade bleeds in a new place, Millie directs her kidnappers to Durrell Street car park. Take note peeps, this will be important.
Back at the station Neil states the blood loss found indicates a substantial wound. And they just left Jade on a bench? Geez, that’s nice. Will links the bloody jacket to Millie and Max pretends he isn’t struggling to comprehend the idea it was Millie who was shot, even though he’s noticeably distressed by it. Awww, Max cares. I mean about someone other than himself. This is a momentous occasion.
Roger comes with good news: the injured woman is Jade. CCTV shows Millie and the boys dropping her off and she’s now in surgery. Bad news for Max: Millie’s still with the men.
Now, this is where I pause for a moment to revel in Max’s appearance. Just hold on a second whilst I lose my shit over this ‘just rolled out of bed’ hair…
I’m fighting it, but I just have to say it… your bed or mine?
*is dead*
Now, back to the case. Rachel is off to track our dodgy van and Roger tells Max not to worry because she’ll be okay. Max’s attention drawn to the picture on the whiteboard, he informs Roger that she’s a good copper. Roger says he was talking about Jade.
Awkward…
Down at the car park, as Si searches locked cars for a way in, Millie and Mick have a heart-to-heart and Mick reveals ‘she’ organised it. Hold it… she? Oh yeah, I so had this from the start.
Now, what I love most is the revelation that kidnappers don’t like you to get cold. See, they’ll abduct you, give you a hard time, shoot people, drag you around by your hair but they will NOT, I repeat NOT, let you go out without a jacket. It’s like a psycho combined with your mother.
Rachel’s found the white van and Millie finally gets some congratulations from Max when he realises she’s lead them to Durrell St because it backs on to a government building. Good news and bad news awaits: the car park is patrolled. Yay! The private security firm are preoccupied by something menial. Boo. Durrell St car park is to kidnappers what Holsworthy army base is for terrorist Somalians: too bloody easy to get into. Thanks private security firms!
*salutes*
Millie manages to commandeer a fancy new Range Rover with her warrant card and whispers something to the driver. My hopes are that it’s ‘tell DS Carter he’s wrong, and a jerk’. Roger informs CID of the stolen car and again they’re too late to make a difference, but it seems Millie’s message was suitably cryptic. ‘She’s their cousin, she’s behind it’. Will gets it (he is so the king of the cryptic crossword) and picks it’s Liv aka Mrs. Suss. Oh yeah, go Will. There’s just one problem: she’s scarpered and you lot need to stop wasting time down there when you should be off saving Millie from impending Cockney-geezer-inspired doom. Yes Max, that means you.
There’s a good boy.
In the IBO, Sally has tracked Mick and Si’s fancy new Range Rover. It seems Millie is taking them to a dead end. Another point for Team Millie Rules. This ends now…
Back in the new Range Rover, Si spots Armed Response tailing them (so subtly too) and informs Millie he knew he couldn’t trust her. He just figured this out now? Wow, he’s smart-smart in the brain-brain. Dumbass, she’s a copper, of course she was double-crossing you.
As the flashing lights appear, Si gets very antsy and drives them into a dead end. Getting out of the car, Millie gets her hair pulled and Mick gets a smack in the head and falls over. Oh the brotherly love.
As armed police tell Si to put the gun down, Millie tries again to reason with him. It seems her hand gestures are working as Si lowers the gun (or it could be armed response, uniform and Max’s ‘Let my girl go mother…’ glare) and Will rushes in for the kudos. Dude he better not be taking credit for this arrest. Roger comes in to help keep Millie from collapsing and then Max joins for a tasteful ‘are you okay?’ Yeah, she’s great; look at her and her bubbly persona… WTF Carter are you blind!?! She’s clearly wrecked. That said, not wrecked enough to deny him down a ‘you were wrong’ smack in the face disguised as an assurance of Curtis Jenson’s innocence. Max gives a nod and a metaphorical pat on the back in the form Max Carter employs best: walking away.
And a little part of me dies…
Back at the station Millie is returned safe and sound and even gets a hug from Sally. Max turns his particularly smug expression caused by a job well done on Mrs. Till. The men still seem surprised she’s behind this, but every woman knows that the brains in any relationship is the Mrs. Too bad this relationship took on the combined power of Mallie, the perfect mix of sweet and smug.
The smug goes however for our final scene as Max congratulates Millie and states he always knew she’d do well. Yeah, I don’t buy it Max and neither does she, calling him a liar, but it’s a Max compliment and they’re so few and far between she should take what she can get.
Now that Max has revealed his human side, he goes one-step further offering Millie a chance to discuss what happened. Gee Max, I can’t be certain but are you asking Millie out for a drink?
Seriously though, DnM with DS Carter? Who are you and what have you done with the real Max?
Millie’s fine though and despite the rather tempting offer, it seems her crush has worn off and she decides to head home instead. Plus, her walk off at the end leaves us with Max’s most adorable expression yet…
This really isn’t helping my Mallie addiction…
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Smash and... flirt?
Welcome back ladies and gents to the train wreck most likely to cause you to look – it’s The Bill. I’m your hostess with the most(ess) for the trip and you may call me Kate.
This evening we’ll be embarking on an adventure for the hearts, souls and minds. A lyrical journey into the… who am I kidding? This is The Bill! Basic premise is this: stuff will get nicked, bad guys will run or steal cars to run, coppers will look totally hot and Neil Manson will not smile. These are the ‘death and taxes’ certainties of TB life and we shall not mess with such a perfect template.
But no, this is Smash and Grab - Part 1 and from it’s very beginning promise abounds. It’s breakfast at Sun Hill and everyone’s down in the cafeteria dressed like they just rolled out of bed and decided to head to work. PC Roger Valentine and PC Millie Brown are waiting in line for Millie’s completely necessary sausage breakfast. Millie’s so keen she’s counting off her chances, eyeing off the competition like a competitor in the Amazing Race. Her prayers seem to be answered when she’s next up in line and one lone sausage remains. Alas, from among the throngs of unnamed extras in uniform comes DS Max Carter. He’s late for a meeting and decided to take a few shortcuts to get there in time by wearing that blue shirt he’s worn a zillion times (at least wardrobe are consistent, but who really believes a snob like Carter would wear that so damn often?) and cutting in line. I don’t complain because A: that shirt highlights his awesome chest and B: cuteness ensues…
Millie: *sees sausage left behind and cheers*
Max: *appears out of nowhere with tea* *mentions something about a briefing and necessary tea*
Millie: *lost in the wonder of how her hot breakfast now has an added element… sausage, bacon and Carter…mmm* Sure
Max: Can I have this? And I’ll tell you what; can I have a sausage sandwich as well? *Millie slumps* Cheers. *sees Millie’s disappointment* You weren’t after that were you?
Millie: No, no it’s fine *forces herself to smile*
Max: Cheers *totally hot wink then buggers off*
Millie: Don’t say a word…
But it’s time to leave the cafeteria, stolen sausages and gorgeous Carter behind because it’s not his time right now, it’s time for… Sally! Oh god no, bring Max back!
And it seems that Sally is bored. In Sun Hill. Where crimes happen every 50 seconds. Oh…kay. Seriously, the body count here is second only to Midsomer (and while we’re on that topic, who would move there? Yes, idyllic, but hello – dead people!).
While I muse about what kind of job would keep the yawns at bay (nuclear engineer in Iran, UN ambassador to North Korea, shipping merchant off Somalia or air hostess on an Airbus A330?), Ben reminds us coppers never get to finish their tea. Poor Ben. You know the secret ingredient in that cup was whiskey.
Don’t judge. Remember, he has to endure Sally for a whole shift!
It seems someone’s robbing a toyshop! Oh noes. Sally and Ben are quick on the scene with Sally trying her McGyver moves on the bike. Yeah, didn’t stop, go figure.
As the audience cries that Sally wasn’t finished off, Sierra Oscar 21 and Sierra Oscar 1 chase bad guys on bike. Will appears at the toyshop wearing the same shirt he was wearing in ‘Old Habits’. Okay, I’m thinking this is less consistency and more budget now. Anyway, dude, it’s pink! Only real men wear pink!
We’re introduced (so subtly) to Jade and her baby… whoops, I mean, random mother and child, not suss at all, no. And then Smithy acquaints us with Mr. Till who informs us they’ve taken lots of money! Which brings me to my question… do we spend too much on toys these days? Back in my day we had tennis balls, elastics and chalk.
But enough fogie moments from me because Mr. Suss… sorry, Till, is in a bad way and Smithy looks hottt! Oh and something about suspects getting away, bike, dead-ends, blah… I’m still caught up in Smithy’s general hottness. Anyway, the scene ends with Roger and Millie losing the thieves in an underground car park and Millie getting out and looking daft.
Yes sweetheart, they’re gone!
Back in the CID Briefing Room Neil comments that toyshops aren’t your average target. Oh thank you Captain Obvious. I would’ve thought that went unsaid what with, you know, the children…
Neil’s analogy of the day is a duck’s backside (which Roger feels the need to over-explain but he does get a laugh for his trouble) and the crew go on their way with Max looking particularly pleased about being made SIO for this. Now, seemingly this episode Max has had a decidedly good morning and felt the need to use today to perfect his smug look. Seriously, if you turn Max’s smug face into a drinking game (take a shot every time this man makes a smug grin) you’d be drunk by the 20-minute mark. Clearly it was a good briefing, or just a really good sausage…
Will and Smithy are at the hospital with Lawrence Till and Mr. Till’s wife who seems displeased but does seem to be enjoying the hospital’s free magazines. We learn that the robbers made off with 70,000 pounds. Yeah, I was right, we do spend too much on toys. Anyway, the wife speaks and she’s as displeased as first suspected. Apparently they only moved here because setting up a toyshop in Canley seemed like the ‘less stressful’ life. Uh, lady, no offence but this is Sun Hill. You’d have a more peaceful life setting up a weapons dealership in Beirut.
Back at the underground car park Eddie does what he does best; talk slowly, trudge about and write on his clipboard. We get a gratuitous shot of Max’s butt and it seems the bad guys got away in a van. The stereotypical white Vauxhall transit van. I think we can now safely assume EVERYONE in Canley who owns one of these is dodgy.
It’s CCTV time now and back at the toyshop Jade, sorry, random woman and child, seem to be distracting the security guard. Max, eyes like an eagle, spots it and glares at the screen. That’s it Max, glare at it until you find out who she is.
Down at the real toyshop (or should that be warehouse?) Millie has found the real life girl on camera with her adorable baby and she denies knowing anything. Addresses are taken and she goes on her way, but we all know she’ll be back. She’s just the right amount of chav for an episode of The Bill…
Eddie is smooth and Roger ribs him. Roger is on fire this morning and my love for him begins… whilst back at the station Max is standing there with a smirk plastered on his face and Kezia has details. Enter Jeff Hopkins and his run down house. He makes up for lack of money with attitude…
Max: Motorbike rides into the store – just like you used to do. The guy riding pillion threatens the staff with a gun – just like you used to do. He then beats the manager with the butt of his gun before making off with a considerable amount of cash –
Jeff: Just like I used to do…
Ah, he’s getting it.
Walks into someone’s house and glares at them – just like Max used to do. Makes a few completely unnecessary assumptions – just like Max used to do. Gets his smartass remarks shut down…
Just like Max just did…
Max checks out happy snaps and finds… hey hey, it’s our girl from the store. Burn!
Back at a rather well furnished flat, Jade Hopkins our mystery girl and her adorable baby boy, are being questioned. Following a blow-up Millie almost goes to tears. Ah, that’s the Millie we all know and often want to smack… and Jade’s having none of them. GTFO! Yes ma’am.
Be Warned: Our war between Millie and Max begins now… Millie (Team Jade) and Max (Team Everyone Is Guilty) disagree over Jade’s innocence and Max’s huff almost turns Millie, who we can already tell will end up being right, to agree. But Roger talks on behalf of the audience. Disagree. Make this fun! As Millie is pulled away by Will, Roger tries to talk Max around. Yeah, mate, that’s like trying to make a bull listen. Roger insists Millie is a good copper and Max remarks that asking her opinion is like reading the manual. Touché DS Carter, but this coming from a man whose answers all include ‘he/she is guilty’ ‘liar’ or his ongoing hate of the world.
Striking the first blow in this battle, Max decides then that being smug just isn’t enough for his character development and adds being an absolute bitch with a tasteful comment about Millie’s lack in the brains department. Well, gee, aren’t we a friendly person this morning? As if stealing sausages just wasn’t enough! It’s pretty mature too – like that 10-year-old boy in your fourth grade class that used to pull your hair. Gee Max, why not just call her ‘Smellie’, prod her with a ruler and laugh when she cries?
Naturally Millie is about 20 centimetres away and heartbroken, Roger seems about ready to punch someone in the head and there are no prizes for guessing whom that person is, and Max explains where he left his tact this morning…
Over there, by the copy machine…
I hate to say it but he probably has a point there somewhere in that general jerk-off behaviour. I refer to episode ‘Deal Me Out’ with the smelly homeless man. She was rather daft in that one wasn’t she? But seeing as the cool kids just think he’s being a prick, I’ll shake my head and glare right back at him. Cold Max, very cold.
Will’s the only one still working here and he’s found Curtis Jensen, another smug prick whom Carter calls a ‘local gangsta made good’. Yeah, look at him, he rolls with the hoes. Sending a still heartbroken Millie and Roger on their way, Max and Will head down to the tanning salon Curtis owns. Just their luck, he’s there that day and looking particularly smarmy. Max is surprised people book in at 8:30. He clearly doesn’t know enough about vanity. Jensen and his podgy manager Palmer are clean as a whistle; of course… what would a good episode be without the bad guys getting away with it for too long? And on their way out Max gets a free tanning session. Apparently he’s pasty. Now, I hate to rain on Jensen’s parade but he’s not exactly a bronzed god himself and has he noticed the weather lately? It’s a bit hard to get a nice tan in the rain!
Time for an introduction to Ronnie Lane and the super duo head to the probation office to meet the man with the awesome voice. I’m seriously in love with his voice. It’s so gravelly. I think I have a new bad boy crush… Using his awesome voice he denies their allegations and Max feels the need to prove himself by talking down his nose at Lane…
Up Max Carter’s nose… hot.
Back in CID Max manages to name our two future bad guys within the first ten seconds. How lucky Ronnie only has two friends: Alex and his sister. Bit sad for him, but great for this smug bastard:
It’s time for a three-way hit on the suspects’ places: Jeff, Jade and Ronnie’s homes. During the meeting Millie’s mind is elsewhere. She, like myself, is weighing up her options…
1: Forgive Max’s lack of social skills and move on
2: Kill him
Naturally many factors affect the decision like: he’s her senior, he’s hot, he’s a good detective, he’s hot, murder will get her kicked out of the force and… he’s hot.
From the look on her face (and Roger’s ability to read minds and/or assume the worst) she’s slowly warming to the latter…
Watch your back Carter!
Kicking in doors is order of the day and Ronnie looks bemused, Jeff Hopkins is borderline rolling his eyes and Sally’s found a map in Ronnie’s place and some photos of his sister the lovely Ms. Jade. Doesn’t look good for you my friend…
Back at Jade’s place she has another blow-up bringing Millie to tears. Will takes none of her crap and makes for the cot. Jade’s peeved as heck and decides to do it herself, ripping up the blankets and mattress…
Lo and behold… the gun’s in the cot!
BAD BABY!
Jade heads for the cells whilst Millie has to drag the baby away. Lewis the baby gets acting job of the day for staring Jade down like she’s a crazy person and Millie fights the urge to cry… again. You think when they were casting for Millie what the ad said was: PC needed, wide eyes, look adorable and cries a lot. No, seriously, a lot! Like all the time…
In comparison to Max…
Whilst I pry myself away from any comments on this picture…
Millie and Max have a showdown of what seems to be a ‘humph’ off, by which I mean it goes a little something like this:
Millie: Humph… this system is so not fair to split a baby and mother
Max: Humph… I hate people… I really really hate people
Millie hands over the baby and the other childish person in the room gets his chance to shine…
Max: I had an instinct about her from the start. All that struggling mother bull. (for this part he sounds outlandishly scary and I think all future nightmares will have this voice in it) She’s a phoney.
Millie: Really
She then turns and walks away, leaving Max wondering what he said wrong. Gee Max, I don’t know, could be your outstanding ability to say just what needs to be said in every bad situation… idiot.
Inspector Weston walks past Neil and for some reason says what sounds like ‘Max’. No Rache, that’s Neil. Ne-il. I shouldn’t patronise. Sorry ma’am. Anyway, she comes bearing evidence, and giving Neil a chance to comment on the gun in the cot business… ‘nice’. Seems our baddies have been dumping jackets in bins with balaclavas on. Now, all to our accomplice, but why leave the balaclava on? Doesn’t that just say: ‘what I’m dumping is dodgy, please call the police’. Course, all baddies in Sun Hill are not all there in the brains department so let’s not rub it in.
We return to CID where the team are searching for our get away transit van… and analysing creepy photos of Jade. Team Jade is still on fire, asking the team to reconsider putting any pressure on Jade. Neil looks intrigued by Millie’s opinions, but Max is having none of them and shuts her down with a simple ‘I am right (and hot)’. Personally I feel he has a very strong argument there, but Millie is not so quick to agree. Rachel and Neil sit back and watch the war with looks on their faces like ‘this is more entertaining than Coronation Street’ and Eddie interrupts just before Millie seems on the verge of calling Max an idiot and getting herself kicked out of the investigation.
Now, is it just me, or do we have a theme going all of a sudden of a showdown between CID and Uniform where uniform are all right and CID all ‘I’m so right’ but so totally wrong? Case in point being a few recent episodes: Beth vs. Terry in her final two episodes… Callum vs. Max in ‘Got You Wrong’… and now this one. Course with Max and Callum it was what I titled the ‘HOT SERGEANTS SHOWDOWN!’ with a certain gorgeous TDC in the middle. With Beth and Terry it was just very father figurely. But this one, god, it’s so subtly yelling ‘couple’ that some people in Venezuela just sat up and went ‘couple?’ and proceeded to look up the word in a dictionary. Yeah… I’m just that subtle too. It’s the inner Mallie. Beware the inner Mallie, she’s been rather good so far but she will come out for this episode, I assure you.
A bookie’s slip provides a lead for the team and Millie gets a moment of brilliance with a lead on the CCTV from a cab firm down the street. Roger tells her she’s not just a pretty face, something which Millie would like to prove to Max. Now, surely he doesn’t deny the pretty face but that’s Max for you Mill, he’s a prick, it’s kinda why we love him.
Meanwhile The Bill writers remind us that every picture says one thousand words, all of which end with Max and a bed…
And Will finds some burnt wrappings from the stolen toyshop money. Max yells, looks hotter doing so and I’m forced to fan myself for a second, then they head out. How lucky for them… Palmer is right across the road with the money in hand. Headed for the tanning salon. Interesting…
Millie’s lead pays off when they find our dodgy transit van and she passes off her moment of brilliance, but Roger is quick to give her some love. Oh Roger, you’re like the father figure of the station – except cooler. Seriously, my dad is a giant dork. Roger would out-cool him any day! But, back to uber-cool Roger and his love, mentioning that Millie should not let Max’s words get her down. She won’t. Roger calls her a liar and she gives the most adorable little grin. High-fives to Roger for seeing right through her pitiful attempts to hide her crush. Honestly, if it were any more obvious it would be like getting hit by a bus.
Time for another chase and Ronnie Lane’s only friend outside family is caught by Roger’s awesome one-liners…
Roger: Ahhh, we’ve been expecting you.
Include white cat and Roger is totally a Bond bad guy.
Back at the station we’ve got all the bad guys in one place, Max looks necessarily smug pleased about it and Neil isn’t happy that nothing seems to stick to Curtis Jensen. Could be because he’s such a greasy little…
Anyway, it’s interview time and our friend Alex Dilarge, the accomplice, beats Lewis as my favourite outside of Sun Hill character for this episode with his discussion of his past exploits with the ‘wacky tobaccy’ when he was a kid.
Alex: Just say no…
It’s good advice kids. Smoke pot and you’ll end up as an interchangeable bad guy extra on The Bill. Work on that smug jerk-off behaviour instead and one day you too could be a DS…
See, here at the Canley Change-rooms we’re all about career advice for the mislead generation…
DS Carter takes on his best form of attack: being facetious…
Max: Not got much in the way of form have you? Not exactly big league are you Alex? Well you weren’t I should say because now of course you’re really rubbing shoulders with the big boys… and for what? The kudos? Bragging down at the pub when I bet you can’t even afford to buy a round.
Meow! Was he always this much of a bitch and I just didn’t notice before?
Max gets his answers when Alex gives up like we all expected. Meanwhile Millie is sweet-talking a crying Jade into information. But Jade’s having none of her kindness or Will’s attempt at being hard. Oh yeah, he’s hardcore Will. Like a teddy bear. A teddy in a pink shirt…
And Jade cries.
Outside Max drinks his celebratory coffee and again shuts down Millie’s theories on Jade’s innocence. This is getting old now; either listen or bugger off Max because we all know she’s right.
As he stands there and glares Millie diagnoses his severe inferiority complex…
Millie: And it’s how big?
(Oh yeah, it’s tasteless, but I just couldn’t resist)
Eddie appears with the evidence we need: the only fingerprints belong to Ronnie Lane. Millie tries again with a ‘surely that rules out Jade’ and Max ignores her going back to his whispering. It’s okay Max, the doors are soundproof. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Jade and the others already know you’re a heartless jerk.
Will and Millie go after Palmer who sells out Ronnie and pretends he knows nothing. Sure gangsta gold chains, I believe you.
Millie gets her glare on…
(She should totally try that glare on Max, he’d lose out a glare-off then)
But Palmer is giving nothing away, pretending the burnt wraps were a wayward cigarette. Now, having tried to burn many things with cigarettes as a teen, I know that you have to actually drop it straight onto the product for it to catch alight. Flicking it away usually puts it out. So, my fat friend, I call you liar liar pants on fire. Or should that be NOT on fire? Hmmm…
In another interview room Max is having more luck with Ronnie Lane and a small pile of evidence. Ronnie looks on the verge of tears and still his totally hot voice is killing me. Sick of the run-around from Ronnie, Max pulls out his weapon of mass destruction, the look most likely to make any god-fearing woman (or weak-willed man) give up and confess the truth – I call it ‘DS Max Carter’s Brooding Glare of General Hotness™’
*flails and gives up under close-up of glare*
Alright, I admit, I did it – I stole the cookies from the cook-cookie jar
*weeps*
Damn he’s good.
It seems it works on Ronnie too who admits his drug-addicted wife got him in debt from an unnamed source. No, no prizes for guessing this one either. Max pulls out the photos from Ronnie’s house which it appears were surveillance of Jade to get Ronnie into the robbery. Oh no, that’s so sad. But Ronnie still ain’t giving anything away and we’ve run out of episode time… Looks like Jenson stays large for now.
Time for one final Max and Millie showdown…
Millie wants to discuss Jade’s chances of protection. Seems Max hasn’t considered Jade at all in this, not surprising, and Millie doesn’t seemed too shocked either.
I must admit, I freaking love this scene, especially where Max stops, pulls a face then walks back and starts his speech about his ongoing hate of the world. There’s this brief moment where Millie looks sideways and you can just see in her eyes that she’s thinking just one word: ‘tool’.
I second that but come on… he’s a hot tool! Like a blowtorch.
Party in Inspector Weston’s office and Neil and Rachel discuss the issues in the case and within the investigation team. They’ve noticed the Max vs. Millie showdown. According to Neil Max isn’t great at taking on other people’s opinions.
Yes, I think that is… UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MONTH
Congratulations Neil…
And Rachel thinks there’s something more going on. Yeah, something… I’ll just throw in PST and move on because Rachel’s gonna have a chat with Millie tomorrow. Oh I can’t wait for that conversation… but this is The Bill and a two-parter which means it ain’t gonna happen! And Rachel wisely points out that this place is more like a playground then a police station. See, now, having watched The Bill for a few years one could also call it a: brothel, fire trap, cemetery, church, wedding chapel, mental ward, dating agency and boxing ring. But let’s leave it at playground for now…
Back in custody Millie adopts her baby voice and is having none of Max’s shiny optimism, deciding to inform Jade she’s in trouble and then offers to give her a lift home and make tea. Ahhh the Metropolitan Police, our friendly local tea makers. She gives Jade her number and the offer that if anything spooks her Jade should call.
Anything?
Really?
You mean like those guys?
Enter bad guys with guns. Nice timing lads. Screaming occurs and tea is not consumed. Damn.
See now, if they drank more tea they’d be calmer and we wouldn’t have such an explosive ending…
And with that, I need a cuppa… Millie?
Next time on The Bill: Cockney guy is rude. Cockney guy waves gun. Millie considers yelling the best way to calm a situation and someone gets shot. Armed ‘pleece’ kick in doors and Max finds Millie’s bloody jacket. Oh noes…
This evening we’ll be embarking on an adventure for the hearts, souls and minds. A lyrical journey into the… who am I kidding? This is The Bill! Basic premise is this: stuff will get nicked, bad guys will run or steal cars to run, coppers will look totally hot and Neil Manson will not smile. These are the ‘death and taxes’ certainties of TB life and we shall not mess with such a perfect template.
But no, this is Smash and Grab - Part 1 and from it’s very beginning promise abounds. It’s breakfast at Sun Hill and everyone’s down in the cafeteria dressed like they just rolled out of bed and decided to head to work. PC Roger Valentine and PC Millie Brown are waiting in line for Millie’s completely necessary sausage breakfast. Millie’s so keen she’s counting off her chances, eyeing off the competition like a competitor in the Amazing Race. Her prayers seem to be answered when she’s next up in line and one lone sausage remains. Alas, from among the throngs of unnamed extras in uniform comes DS Max Carter. He’s late for a meeting and decided to take a few shortcuts to get there in time by wearing that blue shirt he’s worn a zillion times (at least wardrobe are consistent, but who really believes a snob like Carter would wear that so damn often?) and cutting in line. I don’t complain because A: that shirt highlights his awesome chest and B: cuteness ensues…
Millie: *sees sausage left behind and cheers*
Max: *appears out of nowhere with tea* *mentions something about a briefing and necessary tea*
Millie: *lost in the wonder of how her hot breakfast now has an added element… sausage, bacon and Carter…mmm* Sure
Max: Can I have this? And I’ll tell you what; can I have a sausage sandwich as well? *Millie slumps* Cheers. *sees Millie’s disappointment* You weren’t after that were you?
Millie: No, no it’s fine *forces herself to smile*
Max: Cheers *totally hot wink then buggers off*
Millie: Don’t say a word…
But it’s time to leave the cafeteria, stolen sausages and gorgeous Carter behind because it’s not his time right now, it’s time for… Sally! Oh god no, bring Max back!
And it seems that Sally is bored. In Sun Hill. Where crimes happen every 50 seconds. Oh…kay. Seriously, the body count here is second only to Midsomer (and while we’re on that topic, who would move there? Yes, idyllic, but hello – dead people!).
While I muse about what kind of job would keep the yawns at bay (nuclear engineer in Iran, UN ambassador to North Korea, shipping merchant off Somalia or air hostess on an Airbus A330?), Ben reminds us coppers never get to finish their tea. Poor Ben. You know the secret ingredient in that cup was whiskey.
Don’t judge. Remember, he has to endure Sally for a whole shift!
It seems someone’s robbing a toyshop! Oh noes. Sally and Ben are quick on the scene with Sally trying her McGyver moves on the bike. Yeah, didn’t stop, go figure.
As the audience cries that Sally wasn’t finished off, Sierra Oscar 21 and Sierra Oscar 1 chase bad guys on bike. Will appears at the toyshop wearing the same shirt he was wearing in ‘Old Habits’. Okay, I’m thinking this is less consistency and more budget now. Anyway, dude, it’s pink! Only real men wear pink!
We’re introduced (so subtly) to Jade and her baby… whoops, I mean, random mother and child, not suss at all, no. And then Smithy acquaints us with Mr. Till who informs us they’ve taken lots of money! Which brings me to my question… do we spend too much on toys these days? Back in my day we had tennis balls, elastics and chalk.
But enough fogie moments from me because Mr. Suss… sorry, Till, is in a bad way and Smithy looks hottt! Oh and something about suspects getting away, bike, dead-ends, blah… I’m still caught up in Smithy’s general hottness. Anyway, the scene ends with Roger and Millie losing the thieves in an underground car park and Millie getting out and looking daft.
Yes sweetheart, they’re gone!
Back in the CID Briefing Room Neil comments that toyshops aren’t your average target. Oh thank you Captain Obvious. I would’ve thought that went unsaid what with, you know, the children…
Neil’s analogy of the day is a duck’s backside (which Roger feels the need to over-explain but he does get a laugh for his trouble) and the crew go on their way with Max looking particularly pleased about being made SIO for this. Now, seemingly this episode Max has had a decidedly good morning and felt the need to use today to perfect his smug look. Seriously, if you turn Max’s smug face into a drinking game (take a shot every time this man makes a smug grin) you’d be drunk by the 20-minute mark. Clearly it was a good briefing, or just a really good sausage…
Will and Smithy are at the hospital with Lawrence Till and Mr. Till’s wife who seems displeased but does seem to be enjoying the hospital’s free magazines. We learn that the robbers made off with 70,000 pounds. Yeah, I was right, we do spend too much on toys. Anyway, the wife speaks and she’s as displeased as first suspected. Apparently they only moved here because setting up a toyshop in Canley seemed like the ‘less stressful’ life. Uh, lady, no offence but this is Sun Hill. You’d have a more peaceful life setting up a weapons dealership in Beirut.
Back at the underground car park Eddie does what he does best; talk slowly, trudge about and write on his clipboard. We get a gratuitous shot of Max’s butt and it seems the bad guys got away in a van. The stereotypical white Vauxhall transit van. I think we can now safely assume EVERYONE in Canley who owns one of these is dodgy.
It’s CCTV time now and back at the toyshop Jade, sorry, random woman and child, seem to be distracting the security guard. Max, eyes like an eagle, spots it and glares at the screen. That’s it Max, glare at it until you find out who she is.
Down at the real toyshop (or should that be warehouse?) Millie has found the real life girl on camera with her adorable baby and she denies knowing anything. Addresses are taken and she goes on her way, but we all know she’ll be back. She’s just the right amount of chav for an episode of The Bill…
Eddie is smooth and Roger ribs him. Roger is on fire this morning and my love for him begins… whilst back at the station Max is standing there with a smirk plastered on his face and Kezia has details. Enter Jeff Hopkins and his run down house. He makes up for lack of money with attitude…
Max: Motorbike rides into the store – just like you used to do. The guy riding pillion threatens the staff with a gun – just like you used to do. He then beats the manager with the butt of his gun before making off with a considerable amount of cash –
Jeff: Just like I used to do…
Ah, he’s getting it.
Walks into someone’s house and glares at them – just like Max used to do. Makes a few completely unnecessary assumptions – just like Max used to do. Gets his smartass remarks shut down…
Just like Max just did…
Max checks out happy snaps and finds… hey hey, it’s our girl from the store. Burn!
Back at a rather well furnished flat, Jade Hopkins our mystery girl and her adorable baby boy, are being questioned. Following a blow-up Millie almost goes to tears. Ah, that’s the Millie we all know and often want to smack… and Jade’s having none of them. GTFO! Yes ma’am.
Be Warned: Our war between Millie and Max begins now… Millie (Team Jade) and Max (Team Everyone Is Guilty) disagree over Jade’s innocence and Max’s huff almost turns Millie, who we can already tell will end up being right, to agree. But Roger talks on behalf of the audience. Disagree. Make this fun! As Millie is pulled away by Will, Roger tries to talk Max around. Yeah, mate, that’s like trying to make a bull listen. Roger insists Millie is a good copper and Max remarks that asking her opinion is like reading the manual. Touché DS Carter, but this coming from a man whose answers all include ‘he/she is guilty’ ‘liar’ or his ongoing hate of the world.
Striking the first blow in this battle, Max decides then that being smug just isn’t enough for his character development and adds being an absolute bitch with a tasteful comment about Millie’s lack in the brains department. Well, gee, aren’t we a friendly person this morning? As if stealing sausages just wasn’t enough! It’s pretty mature too – like that 10-year-old boy in your fourth grade class that used to pull your hair. Gee Max, why not just call her ‘Smellie’, prod her with a ruler and laugh when she cries?
Naturally Millie is about 20 centimetres away and heartbroken, Roger seems about ready to punch someone in the head and there are no prizes for guessing whom that person is, and Max explains where he left his tact this morning…
Over there, by the copy machine…
I hate to say it but he probably has a point there somewhere in that general jerk-off behaviour. I refer to episode ‘Deal Me Out’ with the smelly homeless man. She was rather daft in that one wasn’t she? But seeing as the cool kids just think he’s being a prick, I’ll shake my head and glare right back at him. Cold Max, very cold.
Will’s the only one still working here and he’s found Curtis Jensen, another smug prick whom Carter calls a ‘local gangsta made good’. Yeah, look at him, he rolls with the hoes. Sending a still heartbroken Millie and Roger on their way, Max and Will head down to the tanning salon Curtis owns. Just their luck, he’s there that day and looking particularly smarmy. Max is surprised people book in at 8:30. He clearly doesn’t know enough about vanity. Jensen and his podgy manager Palmer are clean as a whistle; of course… what would a good episode be without the bad guys getting away with it for too long? And on their way out Max gets a free tanning session. Apparently he’s pasty. Now, I hate to rain on Jensen’s parade but he’s not exactly a bronzed god himself and has he noticed the weather lately? It’s a bit hard to get a nice tan in the rain!
Time for an introduction to Ronnie Lane and the super duo head to the probation office to meet the man with the awesome voice. I’m seriously in love with his voice. It’s so gravelly. I think I have a new bad boy crush… Using his awesome voice he denies their allegations and Max feels the need to prove himself by talking down his nose at Lane…
Up Max Carter’s nose… hot.
Back in CID Max manages to name our two future bad guys within the first ten seconds. How lucky Ronnie only has two friends: Alex and his sister. Bit sad for him, but great for this smug bastard:
It’s time for a three-way hit on the suspects’ places: Jeff, Jade and Ronnie’s homes. During the meeting Millie’s mind is elsewhere. She, like myself, is weighing up her options…
1: Forgive Max’s lack of social skills and move on
2: Kill him
Naturally many factors affect the decision like: he’s her senior, he’s hot, he’s a good detective, he’s hot, murder will get her kicked out of the force and… he’s hot.
From the look on her face (and Roger’s ability to read minds and/or assume the worst) she’s slowly warming to the latter…
Watch your back Carter!
Kicking in doors is order of the day and Ronnie looks bemused, Jeff Hopkins is borderline rolling his eyes and Sally’s found a map in Ronnie’s place and some photos of his sister the lovely Ms. Jade. Doesn’t look good for you my friend…
Back at Jade’s place she has another blow-up bringing Millie to tears. Will takes none of her crap and makes for the cot. Jade’s peeved as heck and decides to do it herself, ripping up the blankets and mattress…
Lo and behold… the gun’s in the cot!
BAD BABY!
Jade heads for the cells whilst Millie has to drag the baby away. Lewis the baby gets acting job of the day for staring Jade down like she’s a crazy person and Millie fights the urge to cry… again. You think when they were casting for Millie what the ad said was: PC needed, wide eyes, look adorable and cries a lot. No, seriously, a lot! Like all the time…
In comparison to Max…
Whilst I pry myself away from any comments on this picture…
Millie and Max have a showdown of what seems to be a ‘humph’ off, by which I mean it goes a little something like this:
Millie: Humph… this system is so not fair to split a baby and mother
Max: Humph… I hate people… I really really hate people
Millie hands over the baby and the other childish person in the room gets his chance to shine…
Max: I had an instinct about her from the start. All that struggling mother bull. (for this part he sounds outlandishly scary and I think all future nightmares will have this voice in it) She’s a phoney.
Millie: Really
She then turns and walks away, leaving Max wondering what he said wrong. Gee Max, I don’t know, could be your outstanding ability to say just what needs to be said in every bad situation… idiot.
Inspector Weston walks past Neil and for some reason says what sounds like ‘Max’. No Rache, that’s Neil. Ne-il. I shouldn’t patronise. Sorry ma’am. Anyway, she comes bearing evidence, and giving Neil a chance to comment on the gun in the cot business… ‘nice’. Seems our baddies have been dumping jackets in bins with balaclavas on. Now, all to our accomplice, but why leave the balaclava on? Doesn’t that just say: ‘what I’m dumping is dodgy, please call the police’. Course, all baddies in Sun Hill are not all there in the brains department so let’s not rub it in.
We return to CID where the team are searching for our get away transit van… and analysing creepy photos of Jade. Team Jade is still on fire, asking the team to reconsider putting any pressure on Jade. Neil looks intrigued by Millie’s opinions, but Max is having none of them and shuts her down with a simple ‘I am right (and hot)’. Personally I feel he has a very strong argument there, but Millie is not so quick to agree. Rachel and Neil sit back and watch the war with looks on their faces like ‘this is more entertaining than Coronation Street’ and Eddie interrupts just before Millie seems on the verge of calling Max an idiot and getting herself kicked out of the investigation.
Now, is it just me, or do we have a theme going all of a sudden of a showdown between CID and Uniform where uniform are all right and CID all ‘I’m so right’ but so totally wrong? Case in point being a few recent episodes: Beth vs. Terry in her final two episodes… Callum vs. Max in ‘Got You Wrong’… and now this one. Course with Max and Callum it was what I titled the ‘HOT SERGEANTS SHOWDOWN!’ with a certain gorgeous TDC in the middle. With Beth and Terry it was just very father figurely. But this one, god, it’s so subtly yelling ‘couple’ that some people in Venezuela just sat up and went ‘couple?’ and proceeded to look up the word in a dictionary. Yeah… I’m just that subtle too. It’s the inner Mallie. Beware the inner Mallie, she’s been rather good so far but she will come out for this episode, I assure you.
A bookie’s slip provides a lead for the team and Millie gets a moment of brilliance with a lead on the CCTV from a cab firm down the street. Roger tells her she’s not just a pretty face, something which Millie would like to prove to Max. Now, surely he doesn’t deny the pretty face but that’s Max for you Mill, he’s a prick, it’s kinda why we love him.
Meanwhile The Bill writers remind us that every picture says one thousand words, all of which end with Max and a bed…
And Will finds some burnt wrappings from the stolen toyshop money. Max yells, looks hotter doing so and I’m forced to fan myself for a second, then they head out. How lucky for them… Palmer is right across the road with the money in hand. Headed for the tanning salon. Interesting…
Millie’s lead pays off when they find our dodgy transit van and she passes off her moment of brilliance, but Roger is quick to give her some love. Oh Roger, you’re like the father figure of the station – except cooler. Seriously, my dad is a giant dork. Roger would out-cool him any day! But, back to uber-cool Roger and his love, mentioning that Millie should not let Max’s words get her down. She won’t. Roger calls her a liar and she gives the most adorable little grin. High-fives to Roger for seeing right through her pitiful attempts to hide her crush. Honestly, if it were any more obvious it would be like getting hit by a bus.
Time for another chase and Ronnie Lane’s only friend outside family is caught by Roger’s awesome one-liners…
Roger: Ahhh, we’ve been expecting you.
Include white cat and Roger is totally a Bond bad guy.
Back at the station we’ve got all the bad guys in one place, Max looks necessarily smug pleased about it and Neil isn’t happy that nothing seems to stick to Curtis Jensen. Could be because he’s such a greasy little…
Anyway, it’s interview time and our friend Alex Dilarge, the accomplice, beats Lewis as my favourite outside of Sun Hill character for this episode with his discussion of his past exploits with the ‘wacky tobaccy’ when he was a kid.
Alex: Just say no…
It’s good advice kids. Smoke pot and you’ll end up as an interchangeable bad guy extra on The Bill. Work on that smug jerk-off behaviour instead and one day you too could be a DS…
See, here at the Canley Change-rooms we’re all about career advice for the mislead generation…
DS Carter takes on his best form of attack: being facetious…
Max: Not got much in the way of form have you? Not exactly big league are you Alex? Well you weren’t I should say because now of course you’re really rubbing shoulders with the big boys… and for what? The kudos? Bragging down at the pub when I bet you can’t even afford to buy a round.
Meow! Was he always this much of a bitch and I just didn’t notice before?
Max gets his answers when Alex gives up like we all expected. Meanwhile Millie is sweet-talking a crying Jade into information. But Jade’s having none of her kindness or Will’s attempt at being hard. Oh yeah, he’s hardcore Will. Like a teddy bear. A teddy in a pink shirt…
And Jade cries.
Outside Max drinks his celebratory coffee and again shuts down Millie’s theories on Jade’s innocence. This is getting old now; either listen or bugger off Max because we all know she’s right.
As he stands there and glares Millie diagnoses his severe inferiority complex…
Millie: And it’s how big?
(Oh yeah, it’s tasteless, but I just couldn’t resist)
Eddie appears with the evidence we need: the only fingerprints belong to Ronnie Lane. Millie tries again with a ‘surely that rules out Jade’ and Max ignores her going back to his whispering. It’s okay Max, the doors are soundproof. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Jade and the others already know you’re a heartless jerk.
Will and Millie go after Palmer who sells out Ronnie and pretends he knows nothing. Sure gangsta gold chains, I believe you.
Millie gets her glare on…
(She should totally try that glare on Max, he’d lose out a glare-off then)
But Palmer is giving nothing away, pretending the burnt wraps were a wayward cigarette. Now, having tried to burn many things with cigarettes as a teen, I know that you have to actually drop it straight onto the product for it to catch alight. Flicking it away usually puts it out. So, my fat friend, I call you liar liar pants on fire. Or should that be NOT on fire? Hmmm…
In another interview room Max is having more luck with Ronnie Lane and a small pile of evidence. Ronnie looks on the verge of tears and still his totally hot voice is killing me. Sick of the run-around from Ronnie, Max pulls out his weapon of mass destruction, the look most likely to make any god-fearing woman (or weak-willed man) give up and confess the truth – I call it ‘DS Max Carter’s Brooding Glare of General Hotness™’
*flails and gives up under close-up of glare*
Alright, I admit, I did it – I stole the cookies from the cook-cookie jar
*weeps*
Damn he’s good.
It seems it works on Ronnie too who admits his drug-addicted wife got him in debt from an unnamed source. No, no prizes for guessing this one either. Max pulls out the photos from Ronnie’s house which it appears were surveillance of Jade to get Ronnie into the robbery. Oh no, that’s so sad. But Ronnie still ain’t giving anything away and we’ve run out of episode time… Looks like Jenson stays large for now.
Time for one final Max and Millie showdown…
Millie wants to discuss Jade’s chances of protection. Seems Max hasn’t considered Jade at all in this, not surprising, and Millie doesn’t seemed too shocked either.
I must admit, I freaking love this scene, especially where Max stops, pulls a face then walks back and starts his speech about his ongoing hate of the world. There’s this brief moment where Millie looks sideways and you can just see in her eyes that she’s thinking just one word: ‘tool’.
I second that but come on… he’s a hot tool! Like a blowtorch.
Party in Inspector Weston’s office and Neil and Rachel discuss the issues in the case and within the investigation team. They’ve noticed the Max vs. Millie showdown. According to Neil Max isn’t great at taking on other people’s opinions.
Yes, I think that is… UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MONTH
Congratulations Neil…
And Rachel thinks there’s something more going on. Yeah, something… I’ll just throw in PST and move on because Rachel’s gonna have a chat with Millie tomorrow. Oh I can’t wait for that conversation… but this is The Bill and a two-parter which means it ain’t gonna happen! And Rachel wisely points out that this place is more like a playground then a police station. See, now, having watched The Bill for a few years one could also call it a: brothel, fire trap, cemetery, church, wedding chapel, mental ward, dating agency and boxing ring. But let’s leave it at playground for now…
Back in custody Millie adopts her baby voice and is having none of Max’s shiny optimism, deciding to inform Jade she’s in trouble and then offers to give her a lift home and make tea. Ahhh the Metropolitan Police, our friendly local tea makers. She gives Jade her number and the offer that if anything spooks her Jade should call.
Anything?
Really?
You mean like those guys?
Enter bad guys with guns. Nice timing lads. Screaming occurs and tea is not consumed. Damn.
See now, if they drank more tea they’d be calmer and we wouldn’t have such an explosive ending…
And with that, I need a cuppa… Millie?
Next time on The Bill: Cockney guy is rude. Cockney guy waves gun. Millie considers yelling the best way to calm a situation and someone gets shot. Armed ‘pleece’ kick in doors and Max finds Millie’s bloody jacket. Oh noes…
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